Casting away the scale...

I can remember that black oval piece of hard plastic that dictated my life and drove me to insanity. I woke up weighing myself, I even got to the point of reweighing myself so often throughout the day, that it dictated whom I was as a person. I was so consumed by a number. A number that dictated my value and self-worth. I was in high school when that scale truly became my new "best-friend." I was so self-consumed with a number, that I was truly numbed out to reality. I was emotionless. I was a number not a teenager dealing with real struggles and emotions. It took a long time to get to a breaking point.

There are so many times that I didn't know how much I weighed for a majority of my recovery. During the re-feeding process, the scale became my true enemy. The fear of a number became so strong that I avoided it like the plague. I was taught, counseled, and supported to follow my heart and not some number throughout the day. I can remember the fear of being a certain number, but I knew that I had to trust my providers and my support system. As soon as I let go of control, I began to live my life.

Too this day, I "face-out": when getting weighed at my doctors appointments so I am present and not going back to my ex-best friend's ways. Recently, I was put to the test at a specialists office that was not part of my recovery team. They needed my weight. The tall scale lurked in the shadows of the room. I asked to "face-out" so, I could continue to take care of myself. Despite my efforts, the woman found the urge to inform me of my weight anyway. I was perturbed for a moment. My heart sank and I almost began to cry. I try so hard to protect myself from these moments. This time, I was equipped with tools to pull through this moment. I took the number and let it roll off my shoulders. I remembered that I was a strong healthy women and I am living a healthy life.

I  have worked hard to not fear the scale, the number. Currently, I own a scale and keep it in a safe place. I am proud to say that I am not some number but a beautiful woman with curves. But every once in awhile "E.D." wants me to jump on it.  I ask myself if this is the healthy Ariane or E.D. that is driving me to weigh myself. I take 5 minutes and assess the urge. I take the time to understand the drive to weigh myself. Will this be beneficial to my recovery or E.D.?

If you or someone you know struggles with an eating disorder, know that the scale can be an enemy. Part of recovery is getting to know oneself and being comfortable in one's own skin. A number does not decide one's self-worth. Owning or not-owning a scale does  not become a struggle anymore or mean that one is recovered or not. Believe in one's self judgement and prevail.
                                                                                                              -A.N.T.