Finding Purpose

 I find myself asking whether the glass is half full or half empty... well, my answer is right in the middle. I have decided that life cannot always be what the "norm" finds normal. The glass is not always half full or half empty; there is room for it to be just in the middle, or right where it is. Do you ever think about the purpose of life? Once, I talked to my partner about the matter, and they felt there was no purpose in times of heartache and that this cannot be it: live, then die. What's the point of the in-between? I thought there has to be. But it made me think: do I make a difference, does it matter, or what is the purpose in life? I do not know if there is a higher power or an afterlife (nor is this a religious post). I do not know what happens after we all die; I like to hope for more. When I was a child, I believed all my loved ones who had passed were up in those white, fluffy clouds, always looking down on me. That day I took my first flight; I was so disappointed that they were not staring back at me. Is it more of a spirit, or is it just a hope? This is not about religion or beliefs, but more about how the human mind finds hope. Today, I had a doctor's appointment, and I was 50/50 about the outcome. As much as I was "scared" about the outcome, there was a gravitation toward being hopeful. Only because my life partner instilled hope within me, so i did regain hope. So, when I come back to the real question, what is the purpose of your life, my life? I do not have a profound, thought-provoking, correct answer, but I do wake up grateful and hopeful for the breath I get to take. I feel that anything is possible, despite the belief that nothing is possible at times. I challenge you to see what might seem impossible as possible, and the road less traveled as well. I understand that, as much as I wanted to jump off the stairs as a kid and flap my arms like a bird and fly, it was not possible. But can we adapt to make our dreams, wants, and needs come true? I mean, after all, I flew. In that moment, I believed I could fly high in the sky; I jumped leaps and bounds. I feel that believing in yourself can be so profound. I always say, "There is always room for improvement," which can leave someone feeling defeated at times, but when you think about it, life is what you make it, after all. There is so much turmoil and heartache in this world that it is through finding your own purpose. I truly believe that we all have purpose, meaning, and whatever it is in all of you. Be proud of who you are, who you become, and all the "stuff" you have overcome and conquered and are still enduring. May you all believe in your dreams and continue living your lives, because after all, that is the purpose of life, perhaps???!!!

- A.N.T.

Golden Ticket

 

I thought my life could be.

But every catastrophe confined me.

Suddenly, It struck me.

I was down on my luck.

 

I could not see.

There was no luck for me.

I got no fucking golden ticket.

And no golden twinkle in my damn eyes.

 

I thought I could shine.

and used to be happy to sing this song

but suddenly, what a fantastic thing

I realized I did not want a golden ticket.

Sun in my eye from the sky

I believe in everyday

And when I face today

I look at the sun and see the love.

  

I never thought you would believe me

but that slap from the past 

It made me say it could be.

I’m entirely in ecstasy.

 

Here I am, transparent as can be

With the words, I cannot see.

'Cause I'd have said

It couldn't be done."

 

But I got a golden chance.

To make my way

And with a golden heart

It's a golden day.

 

No golden effin' ticket needed for me 😊

The Mind's Tricks

The mind often plays intricate tricks on me, weaving a tangled web of racing thoughts and persistent worries. I find myself struggling to untangle the threads that separate anxiety from reality. My thoughts swirl and twist like a tempest, spiraling down into a deep, dark well of uncertainty. What thoughts linger in your mind, spinning endlessly like a hamster tirelessly running on its wheel?

I often lose myself in reflections on the past and anticipations of the future, neglecting the beautiful, fleeting moments of the present. Do you ever feel a sense of boredom creeping in? At times, the essence of human existence feels meaningless and futile. How do we find our way through the labyrinthine journey of life? Is it a quest of existential significance? Do you find yourself caught in a sea of questions, grappling with answers that seem forever out of reach? I tune into the voices around me, hoping to catch a glimpse of clarity amidst the chaos.

The future looms uncertain over our politics and personal safety, casting a shadow of apprehension. Are we merely puppets, dragged along by social media's relentless tide, often depicting a tumultuous reality?

Consider the cat: a creature of simple pleasures, effortlessly embracing love, food, and play. Do they possess any awareness of the complicated world we inhabit, or are they blissfully ignorant? What ignites your passion? Do you perceive the world as a shattered mosaic, or do you see it as a silent landscape awaiting its inevitable collapse? Perhaps you hold the belief that the future will unfold in a way that brings hope. What profound emotions stir within you?

Pause for a moment to reflect on your current mood. What feelings resonate deep within your soul? Picture yourself creating a vivid painting of your emotions. Do you choose to depict yourself as you aspire to be, or as you wish to be in your dreams? What would that image capture? It may very well be that the artwork you create encapsulates exactly what you need at this moment.

Take life at face value. Burdens can trap you in the misery of your own existence. Be passionate on a personal level and recognize what you can change. You have a choice: you can either watch your life pass by, filled with despair and a lack of hope, or you can pursue what you believe is right for you.

Allow others to be themselves while you focus on your own life’s journey. Sometimes, life may feel tough, but remember that it’s not all that bad, as it is ultimately what you make of it. You create your own meaning of life.

So when your mind plays tricks on you, embrace your existence and enjoy the bliss of life. Take those moments, whether good or bad, and carry on. Ultimately, your perseverance will pave the way for you in the universe.

Yours Truly,

A.N.T.

The Purpose of Mistakes.

What does having a purpose mean to you? 

 

Take a moment to reflect on your past year as I type this for you to consider. 

 

Time has flown by, and I find myself at this point in my life despite the voices in my head, the devil lurking on my shoulder, and the weight of my past. I've learned valuable lessons from my mistakes and refuse to be trapped in a never-ending cycle. I continue to move forward with confidence and purpose. 

 

If you are still reading, it's important to clarify that this differs from your typical year-in-review blog. Instead, it's about what you make of it.

I walk along the hidden shadows of the alleyway, wondering how I ended up here. I lost everything. I spent every last dollar from my bank accounts and was evicted from the sanctuary I once called home. Was it my fault? Who knows. But I realize that what I learned from those mistakes—and the unspoken truth—is that if none of this had happened, I wouldn't be exactly where I am now. The saying "everything happens for a reason" feels misleading. Okay, maybe not entirely.

What is having a purpose? Have you found your purpose amidst your life tribulations? In case you were wondering, I have yet to discover mine entirely. The future, present, and past pull me in all directions. The shadows I walk in fill my mind with empty thoughts and inhibit my full potential. But that is precisely what I am unsure of: life's purpose. Is there truly a purpose? 

As the New Year approaches, I want to share my accomplishments and mistakes or focus on exploring my thoughts. I don't know. So, let me reflect on my year. I started the year with three surgeries, and I switched from Ozempic to Wegovy due to insurance coverage issues. I spent the year procrastinating on taking my board exam to become certified as a nurse practitioner, but I'm happy to say I passed the test this November. My love for my wife grew daily, and when the stress became too intense, we adopted a new puppy.

But who wants to hear only the good? I still struggle with my eating disorder and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I worry too much about everything, and my anxiety is constantly high. I stopped a medication on my own, which I do not recommend, and I realized that it's something I really need. That realization is frustrating in its own way. I've also noticed that when there's chaos around me, I tend to thrive on it even more; hence, the new puppy, Beans.

That's it in a nutshell. However, I still wonder what my purpose in life is, and I may never know. As I embark on a new journey next year, I hope for a future filled with love, joy, and happiness. Realistically, I will also learn from the mistakes that come with failure, but how else can I grow and face life? I understand that things can sometimes get overwhelming, but life is definitely too short, a lesson I've learned as I've grown older. I figure, what the heck—what do I have to lose? I am taking leaps and bounds forward.

The purpose in life is just as you are.

- A. N. T.

The Struggle Can Be Balanced

Sometimes, I hear thunder in the distant past.

I am all too familiar; it won't last.

I'm sick of being thrown into my past.

I'm stuck in quicksand, fighting so much.

I keep trudging it all up, hoping to survive.

Then I realize that the present is my crutch.

I just know that I need to take that leap.

My past was not cheap.

I won't become the black sheep.

As I practice trusting myself,

I no longer seek the reassurance

and trust that my life will last.

Every day is a gift.

And it should not be lived half-assed;

Because it does not last.

Today, I am stronger than yesterday.

I believe in my true being.

May we all prevail in living freely.

Spilling the Tea on Mental Health

 

There lay unspoken grief in my smile. The voices in my head made friends with the monsters under my bed while the pain surrounding my space wreaked havoc on my inner peace. I found myself searching for all the wrong answers to my unhealthy behaviors. I was falling. 

The very backbone that held me up was snapping in half. I turned within myself, listened to this familiar path I was embarking on from the past, and sought out more help at a mental health partial hospitalization program. At the time, I hoped I had 'fixed' myself and returned to reality all too quickly. 

I couldn't function in the reality of crippling PTSD that I had returned to all too quickly. Knowing where to turn when the chamber is half-cocked, I re-entered the broken mental health system again, the emergency room at a hospital. Still lurking in the darkness, the monsters under my bed became my friends inward and outwardly. 

I was frightened and hopeless. I sat on the gurney in my stringless green jumpsuit, feeling like an animal rattling in a cage. The entire emergency room hallways were filled with other people of the like. We were ignored, treated like savages, and as if we were the "problem." We were all pleading for the mental health system to save us.

As I struggled, I utilized my last breath of inner strength of advocacy and expertise in healthcare in my favor to help me get to where I needed. I stayed for way too long in an emergency room for over 48 hours, but little did I know the average stay was over two weeks before being transferred to an in-patient psychiatric hospital. How could that be the case? Again, "the system" was failing not only those seeking help but everyone struggling to seek help, not knowing where to turn, and having limited access to care. Words cannot explain the unjust justice that was surrounding me. 

Just when you think you get a glimmer of hope of finding access to care, you wait for the agonizing health insurance coverage approval for a treatment program or in-patient hospitalization. Although laws were passed to decrease the disparities among mental health insurance companies, it remains a lengthy, arduous process. Mental health insurance companies monopolize the length of stay and where you can seek treatment. Unfortunately, they dictate and play a significant role in your future mental health stability and recovery. I have often seen the system fail those with health insurance and those with limited or lack health insurance. 

As you struggle to keep your head afloat and work on your mental health, there's an influx of overwhelmingly high hospital-specific and physician-specific service fees. Also, health insurance companies fail to update you that the services will likely be only partially paid because of low reimbursement rates and plan deductibles by health insurance. It is genuinely an outrageous system that is shattered. 

The shattering in the system continues with an overdemand and lack of professional help. The overstressed system lacks a proper amount of providers and staffing in mental health. So what is the most significant overall problem? Who is responsible? Unfortunately, it is a system as a whole. Awareness of the systemic crisis and bringing mental health to the forefront versus a shameful entity will help break down barriers and disparities in the system. If you or a loved one are struggling, do not give up hope. The system can help; it is a battle to keep advocating and fighting for life sometimes, but life is worth it. 

- A.N.T.

"You don't have to be an Olympian to create change for yourself and others. Each of us can bet on ourselves." 

- Allyson Felix.

Saying "NO"

You are walking in the darkness, searching for a reflection in a storm of doubt. Nowhere to turn in the conformed world that is spewing granules of time inside an hourglass. There is an invisible force that pulls you into a maze of misdirection, the inability to say "NO." Standing, pondering, and stuck at a fork in the road in the labyrinth of life, you look down the two paths. There is the beaten path filled with guilt and shame, seemingly impossible to crawl down. Alternatively, the other seemingly effortless path carries the weight of the world on your shoulders of despair. 

 
As you stare down the two paths, your continuous overexertion of straying down the path of deceit leads you into hopeless possibilities. That is where your reflection of doubt continues to hide behind the shadows of darkness. However, when you willingly crawl down the road less traveled, you challenge the demons that lurk inside your conscience. The fear seeps out of your veins as you sheepishly search for reassurance. The conflict that threatens your judgment arises from disappointment and rejection from others. Nevertheless, the immediate discomfort rattles the core as it soon disappears; you assert your boundaries away from depression and despair. 

 

Turning your inner soul into a seed of growth, you find your reflection of strength in the sunlight of hope. Your confidence surges past the disappointment and rejection into the pathway of self-discovery. As you unravel the strings of lies, you warp and weft into the woven direction of happiness. Grasping onto the courage to let go of something familiar, you embark on the journey of saying "NO" by maintaining your sense of self-worth.