Good Bye 2012, Hello 2013...

I would like to recap 2012 but I think that would be impossible with all the strides I have taken and even setbacks I have encountered. E.D. has still tagged along this year with me. I am unable to find the courage to fully divorce him from my life. E.D. is a stubborn one I tell you.

In the past year, I faced some of my past trauma and even participated in a trauma group. I was able to sit with some of my emotions, fears, and anger around the events. Eventually, the trauma group became a little too overwhelming. I knew my limits that I had to protect myself from E.D. behaviors that were about to emerge if I continued to push myself. I took a step back and tried to decipher from the past and reality of life now. Remembering I was not a poor, little helpless victim anymore is probably one of the toughest parts of recovery. Telling myself numerous times that I am a courageous, strong survivor is foreign territory to me. But with much practice and hope, I continue to try my hardest to remind myself of the present.

I hit other bumps in the road along the way, such as changing therapists. Changes in rigid ways for E.D. can be very scary and overwhelming. I struggled with finding, trusting, and allowing someone else new into my life. I finally found a great therapist that was willing to take on the life of Ariane. A therapist with great resources and is completely dedicated to her work. She has helped me re-instill hope in my recovery and reach out to other resources in the area to fight E.D.

I was faced with major illness this year that really was an eye-opener. Anorexia (any eating disorder) can lead to many health complications and be deadly too. I was numbing out of reality. I was focusing on others and not caring for number one. I fell off the band wagon and hit a bump in the road. With the support of my providers, family, friends, and blogging I was able to get back on track. I gained a new perspective on myself and my life separate from E.D. As a result, I started to be true to myself and wanted to help others who struggle. I began a new journey with the initiation of a blog, with the hope of being published someday.

It has been an especially true blessing this past year. All the support from my family, friends and all my blogger readers has truly inspired hope in my path. I am rediscovering myself and truly allowing myself to live my life.

Thank you everyone for all the support! Happy New Year!!!

                                                                                                     -A.N.T.

Holiday

I never understand the struggle around this time of year. A time full of joy and laughter, surrounded by friends and family. What else could I ask for?

Living with an eating disorder around the holidays can be very difficult and challenging. The primary feeling is that it can be centered around food. When in actuality it is the spirit of the holidays that really feeds the soul.

If you or a loved one lives with an eating disorder, know there are great resources out there. Talk to your supports and treatment team. One of my favorite quick references is:

 http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/twelve-ideas-help-people-eating-disorders-negotiate-holidays

I like to read and reread this site at times when I feel I stand alone at times. It helps me reach out and take control of my recovery. May all your holidays be filled with love and joy this year. I look forward to what the year 2013 will bring.

Happy Holidays to you all!

                                                                                                  -A.N.T.

Prison.

I never thought I would understand myself separate from my eating disorder. I never thought I would understand the wrath of the disease. The constant thoughts about food and weight have consumed my brain. I did not have to think about my past, present, or future. I was stuck in a black hole, spiraling out of control, to the chambers of death. I was losing the battle with myself. It wasn't until I got parole from ED, that I started living life beyond its four walls.

Beyond those walls lie a lot of suffering and fear. I discovered I was running away from a past that I did not want to face. A past full of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. I was, and I am scared, to this day, to face it all. In order to break free from my prison, I know I must face the trauma and pain of my past. All of the tears shed and blood dropped, could never heal the wounds.There is not a day that goes by that it all doesn't enter my thoughts. I'm on house arrest except, I don't have one of those chains wrapped around my foot. I have the wrath of E.D. (eating disorder) entangled around my heart and soul. To be bound by the walls of restriction, low self-esteem, and control, is like a prison. There's a death sentence waiting around the corner, knocking on my door, waiting to take over.

Today, I get glimpses of a universe separate from ED. I live a life rich in love and freedom, filled with HOPE. I take each day one moment at a time. I reach out to supports and work hard in therapy. I take control of my recovery, instead of ED controlling me. Along the way, I may lose my sights and revert back to past behaviors that temporarily fill a void, but I have insight to keep me on my path, a path filled with hope and freedom. My chains are breaking and the real me is knocking on  my door.

                                                                 -A.N.T.

Casting away the scale...

I can remember that black oval piece of hard plastic that dictated my life and drove me to insanity. I woke up weighing myself, I even got to the point of reweighing myself so often throughout the day, that it dictated whom I was as a person. I was so consumed by a number. A number that dictated my value and self-worth. I was in high school when that scale truly became my new "best-friend." I was so self-consumed with a number, that I was truly numbed out to reality. I was emotionless. I was a number not a teenager dealing with real struggles and emotions. It took a long time to get to a breaking point.

There are so many times that I didn't know how much I weighed for a majority of my recovery. During the re-feeding process, the scale became my true enemy. The fear of a number became so strong that I avoided it like the plague. I was taught, counseled, and supported to follow my heart and not some number throughout the day. I can remember the fear of being a certain number, but I knew that I had to trust my providers and my support system. As soon as I let go of control, I began to live my life.

Too this day, I "face-out": when getting weighed at my doctors appointments so I am present and not going back to my ex-best friend's ways. Recently, I was put to the test at a specialists office that was not part of my recovery team. They needed my weight. The tall scale lurked in the shadows of the room. I asked to "face-out" so, I could continue to take care of myself. Despite my efforts, the woman found the urge to inform me of my weight anyway. I was perturbed for a moment. My heart sank and I almost began to cry. I try so hard to protect myself from these moments. This time, I was equipped with tools to pull through this moment. I took the number and let it roll off my shoulders. I remembered that I was a strong healthy women and I am living a healthy life.

I  have worked hard to not fear the scale, the number. Currently, I own a scale and keep it in a safe place. I am proud to say that I am not some number but a beautiful woman with curves. But every once in awhile "E.D." wants me to jump on it.  I ask myself if this is the healthy Ariane or E.D. that is driving me to weigh myself. I take 5 minutes and assess the urge. I take the time to understand the drive to weigh myself. Will this be beneficial to my recovery or E.D.?

If you or someone you know struggles with an eating disorder, know that the scale can be an enemy. Part of recovery is getting to know oneself and being comfortable in one's own skin. A number does not decide one's self-worth. Owning or not-owning a scale does  not become a struggle anymore or mean that one is recovered or not. Believe in one's self judgement and prevail.
                                                                                                              -A.N.T.

Ex-hau-sta-size-er

Riding a roller coaster is like recovery...There are many ups and downs, but lots of forward motion!

I was a compulsive exerciser that caused a lot of exhaustion in my life. Everyone's body (yes, even mine), can hit a wall and crumble. I always said "Sports are my life!" I knew nothing else without it at the beginning to mid-way thru my ten years of recovery, about seventy-five percent of my life in actuality. I started as an avid ice hockey player at the age of three and transcended into cross-country and track-n-field. I began to take exercising to a whole new level once E.D. had entered my life. I was "high" as a kite at the time. I was living large and flying high. The adrenaline was pumping thru my veins. I was on top of the world, so I thought. Eventually, it all caught up to me but it wasn't until several years later, several surgeries later and injury after injury, that I started to crumble mentally, physically, and emotionally. My numbness had become painful; deadly.

In order for me to recover I had to "start-over" and re-build Balance! On my road to recovery, I was able to stop exercising and rebuild my strength nutritionally. Eventually, I was able to incorporate exercise back in my life and even complete an Olympic Triathlon. Along the way, I hit another detour. Currently, I do not exercise at all. I miss it a lot at times, but I also enjoy life without it. The urge to "hafta" exercise everyday in order to deserve nourishment is not ALWAYS there. But now I fear exercise will destroy me, it's called black or white thinking. It's the all or nothing attitude that keeps me stuck with E.D. I have the foundation and the tools to re-build my potholes in my road, I just need to take that leap, one step at a time.

Today, I will go to therapy to get some support and reflect on the week. I am going to jump back on the wagon and see a nutritionist. I hope that all my readers and followers have a wonderful day and let there be light in your path.

We all deserve to live our own life how we want too! We are all strong healthy men and women.
                                                                                         
                                                                                                        -A.N.T.

Live, Love, and Laugh

Live, Laugh, and Love:

The opposite of how I feel lately. I blindly hit a bump in the road on my journey. Just when things start to feel "normal," things fall apart. The illusion of being recovered and in recovery was so diluted by my E.D. that I have fallen backwards two steps.

Recently, I have learned a great amount of insight with my recovery, to the point that I have questioned it. This isn't the first time I have had an eye-opening experience. There are several times, on my road, that I have become truthful to myself. It is one of the hardest things to do. You can try to fool everyone else, but truly you are only fooling yourself. It was in the eye of severe illness that I began to realize a lot. It's not until  you take responsibility and be an adult in life that you really understand the struggles inside and outside.

Instead of thinking of what I can't do, I am really trying to think of all the things I can do. I am trying to change my way of thinking, so I won't remain stuck in the rut. Part of becoming unstuck, is being honest with myself and everyone else. Only I can truly become recovered and control my own destiny. It is just believing in myself that is the toughest. Today, I reach out to discover the unknown. I must take what was given to me this week and take action. It is time to take control of my life. If it means going back "to the basics" then so be it. But i refuse to take another two steps backwards before I take a step forward.

I want to Live, Laugh, and Love again and again.

                                                                                                -A.N.T.

Me time...

My partner in crime never allowed me to enjoy "me"! I never thought it was cool to be alone, not busy! Once, the gas ran out of my engine and I derailed the road, I started to find myself. Has anyone found themselves lost in time and space, wondering what was the point of being on this earth? Well, I always wondered that and found no answer, until I started being "me".

I sat with my emotions and trudged thru the difficult times. I began to go places by myself in a healthy manner, alone. E.D. at home and me walking the streets. I remember, the first time I went to dinner by myself. I was still in a program that was teaching us about "me" time. I had called my mom and told her "I am going to dinner myself."  I was in Harvard Square at the time, I sat down at the table and enjoyed a three course meal with no consciousness, or guilt. It was a start of the beginning of enjoying myself. I started going to places I never thought I could go... movies, restaurants, parks, coffee shops, and even Paris, France. One of my scariest adventures was living alone!!! It was a challenge! I had to be responsible and accountable for my own health. I thought I would never survive alone, but I did. I lived in Somerville, MA above a cute little pie shop called Petsi Pie and in the big city of Boston, MA.  It was with the continued support of friends and family, treatments providers, and myself that I survived the many adventures without "ED".

Today, I took a walk and enjoyed the rain, the cold, and the atmosphere. People with their umbrellas, racing off to their destinations. I was in the moment! I was with myself facing the world. I am happy to say that today I could enjoy myself, ME TIME !

                                                                                                                          -A.N.T.

Tap Dancing

Sometimes I feel like I am Tap dancing around with recovery. Except I'm out of rhythm and sync to the tunes playing in my head. The constant fear, anxiety, and hopelessness can consume one's mind more than one would think when faced with the challenges of medical illness and living with an eating disorder. The battle to stay strong and focused with recovery can be so overwhelming when your body is not well.

Remembering your body needs fuel to heal and nourishment to stay strong in the eye of illness, can be such a challenge. Focusing in on your hunger cues on a good day can be so challenging to begin with. Today, was not the best day for me with recovery. I became so focused on everything else except myself. There are so many times I forget about myself. I get carried away with the woes of the day.

Finally, I sat down. Reflected on my day...

That's when I realized my road will have bumps, twists, and turns along the way. Recovery is not perfect, as I am not either or could be.

As part of my recovery, I started to write poems so I could express some feelings and today I leave you with this:  ***disclaimer*** I am no poet :)

A road less walked.
a path less taken.
a word to talk.

To begin a journey
and to fail at times
but to keep learning.

Failure is being stuck!
Learning from mistakes,
is much better luck.

A place so sacred and divine
to call your own
and begin to survive.

The pain and agony,
the loss and shame,
to learn to enjoy life fully.

To continue the steps
one foot forward
taking the leaps.

Recovery is a true journey!!!

                                                                                                          -A.N.T.

"Now"

Today, I wrote the word "NOW" on my palm, like a little school kid, to remember that today is today. Not yesterday! Not tomorrow! There are so many times, actually most of the time, that I live in the world of worry. I forget about what the day is all about and that I can choose to live in the now!

It's like I have two personalities, E.D. and I. The internal me and external me. The internal me suffers with worry, sadness, anxiousness,  hopelessness, and fear while my external me disguises me as being happy, put together, and confident.  E.D. keeps me from balancing my internal with my external me. My mind races right past the now and into the past or the future. I worry about what others are thinking, if I've offended someone or just that I haven't done something right.

But I am a fighter! I am a healthy, strong, woman who refuses to lose the battle; the struggle. It's days like these that I get glimpses of hope. The feeling that my world is going to be balanced and not end on December 21, 2012 as the Mayan calendar predicts! Today I shall walk with my shadow and discover the world through the lens of my camera.


                                                                                                                           -A.N.T.

The emptiness...

Everyone may feel this way sometimes, an impending hole lurking in your soul. We all have some suffering that we all struggle with. Some people handle it differently than others. In my case, I filled my hole with eating disorder behaviors, pills, exercise, and alcohol. The hole was still there but I was just too numbed out to realize it. Once, I began my journey on my path to recovery, I faintly realized I was numbing out - running away from my past.
My past still haunts me till this day. Eventually I will talk about it, but for now the scars are too deep and are still healing. But, I do realize now, that all the pain and suffering I have endured is becoming less prominent. The more I reach out, journal, read books, practice self-acceptance, speak to my supports and go to therapy, the less suffering is done on my part . Sometimes I wonder if I ever will forgive and let go. I know the important part of acceptance is understanding and acknowledging things, not necessarily attempting to change it or agree with it. A big struggle of mine is remembering and accepting.
                                                                                                  -A.N.T.

.

Scary day...

     It was a scary day, but I knew I had to do what I needed. A revolving door swung me through the gates of the beginning of a journey; living life. Life with an Eating Disorder (E.D.) was about to become non-existent. It was the year 2002 when I entered through that revolving door. Ten years later, I still struggle with recovery. I don't consider myself recovered, but I do think myself much healthier. I am living my life to its fullest, with struggles along the way.

     I also start this blog to write about my feelings, struggles, and happy moments. I hope to help myself while helping others along the way. I hope to instill hope and touch a soul in every blog entry I write. We are not alone. We all share similar emotions, feelings, and thoughts in some way or the other. You may not struggle with an eating disorder but can relate to struggles in life in some way or another. Please, know you are not alone in life. Every person has their own battles on the road of life.

     That said, today, I feel a bit of disgust with myself. E.D. is telling me I'm not good enough, I don't deserve food. I am trying my hardest to fight back and think about what is happening. I seem to be struggling with finding a clear picture of my underlining thoughts and feelings. When I think I am fat, I blame myself for eating "too many" calories the day before. But deep down inside, I know it was yesterday and not today. Today is a new day, and I deserve to be nourished.
       -A.N.T.