Weight Standards

I'm 34 years old. I started my recovery from an Eating Disorder (E.D.) in the year of 2002. Practically 14 years later that same monster, called a scale, still affects me. No matter what number I am, I always feel triggered by getting on that "monster." It's an evil vortex in my mind.

Recently, I went to my Primary Care Provider (PCP) to get an annual physical. I always "face out" when I get one the scale so, I never know "the number." Despite "facing out." I never feel the same for the week. There are so many times I dictate my self-worth by a number. "Am I too fat? Am I not 'anorexic' enough? Maybe I'm not sick enough?" The mental demons succumb my mind and consume my everyday life. It's a cycle that is not easily broken.

I have to step back and ask myself, is there a magical number that I would be happy with at all? When I was my lowest of weight, I was not thin enough. When I am at my healthiest of weights, I am too fat. The answer is no! There is never a perfect number on the scale to E.D.!!! So, why is it that I self-consume myself around a number on a scale? Why is it that I dedicate my everyday thoughts for the week around the number I am? Maybe it's easier to focus on a number than to focus on the realities of everyday life. It's the struggle between reality and a number on the scale that keeps me feeling secure. I find solace in focusing on "how fat I am" rather than facing the woes of everyday life. I can wish to change my thoughts or do something about it such as reality checks. One technique I find helpful to me is:

STOP AND STEP BACK

DON'T ACT IMMEDIATELY or AUTOMATICALLY

PAUSE...

TAKE A BREATH
NOTICE YOUR BREATHE AS YOU BREATHE IN AND OUT

PICTURE THE STOP SIGN!

May we all find solace in our own bodies today!

-A.N.T.

Overwhelming feelings

If life was only this easy:

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody :)

-A.N.T.

Addiction

     Beads of sweat drip down my face. My blood is pumping a mile a minute. The adrenaline is flooding my veins while the wind is flying through my strands of hair. My legs are flying practically off the ground as the sound of the gun lurks in the distance. I speed around the white-striped, black tar as I finish the race in first place. As always, I feel I could have done better; gone faster. In the end, it was that drive that kept me pushing through life.

     It became my drug, running. The surge of adrenaline I felt, the utter numbness through life morphed my teenage life. Nothing can explain the feeling of control I felt when I ran. The emotions in life that I encountered, the faster I ran. I adapted to expressing my emotions through the ability to run. I felt untouchable. The fastest rocket through the streets of my youth. The utter high I felt when I raced through the streets and around the track was seductively deadly. I had felt like I was in control of my life. Running became my inner journal, as my mind whirled with thoughts as I ran.

     I can remember in the darker days of running that it became my drug. Every waking hour was spent wondering when I could get my next fix, run that is. I became self-consumed with being faster and better. I was at the peak of my running and wanted to go to college to run. My educational dreams fell at the waste side as I sought out the ability to continue to run in college. I was slowly killing myself to my dismay. A "healthy" outlet for me developed into a dangerous, deadly web of deceit.

     Food and running became an unhealthy relationship. The less I ate, the faster I thought I could run. Food was fat not fuel to me. The sheer terror of eating became stronger and stronger. I did not allow myself nourishment. In order to justify eating, I had to make sure and run that day. It became a deadly cycle to my mind, body, and soul. I was an exception to all the rules. I felt I did not deserve food, nor could justify eating without some sort of reward, such as running. I felt even in more control when I was barely eating and running. I was "high on life" during the beginning years of my seductive cycle. I felt more in control than ever, despite the reality that I was slowly killing myself. All I wanted to do was run and feel free. The false sense of control I felt, was in reality, out of control.

     The cycle continued into my twenties. I was "fooling" everyone, so I thought. I felt untouchable. All I thought about was running and "how fat I was." I did not let anything bother me. I was numbed out to reality. I was running from my past, zooming though my present, and seductively destroying my future life. In the beginning, I felt on top of the world. As I continued living this seductive cycle, I became more brittle and fragile, the opposite effect I was trying to achieve. I was addicted to running and restricting food. I became more and more tired. I was weak. The opposite effect I was trying to achieve in life.

     My downward spiral was out of control, but I was hooked. When I entered that revolving door in 2002 with my struggle with an eating disorder, I never thought that running would play a role with my eating disorder. What I thought was a "healthy outlet" was actually a deadly drug in my life. Despite all the professionals' advice, it took several self-realizations to hang-up my running shoes, but I finally did.

     Now, I realize that running was like a drug to me. I can't just dabble in running just a little bit. I find that a leisure jog, turns into a seductive cycle within my innerself. I realize that I don't need to run to justify eating. I find other pleasures that are healthy to help me cope in life.  I enjoy the simple pleasures in life more than ever. I cherish, respect, and nourish my body. It's that same drive that I used for running, I apply to my everyday life.

"Every day I tell myself that I am worthy of food to fuel and nourish my body."

Yours Truly,
A.N.T.

   

   

Suicide Prevention

     I remember it like it was only yesterday. I hit my alarm on my night stand. I prepare for a new day but the dark cloud lurks over me. I'm in a state of shock where my limbs seem to not want to move. The pit in my stomach has developed into a deep despair. My mind has spun out of control and now I am numbed out to reality. I feel like a helpless fly stuck in a spider's web. I am struggling to survive. I just want it all to end. I want the pain and suffering to go away. I want to wake up tomorrow, and feel like I was given the choice to live my present day life not my past. I search for the light, I reach for the phone but the strength to dial for help slips my fingers. I am left with a choice; a choice to live or to die?

     I have struggled endless times with not just an eating disorder but also depression. It feels like a deep despair lurking in my inner soul. In recent news, the media has covered the success of a recent actor, Robin Williams. To my dismay, we lost a great person to mental illness. I want to celebrate his life, but I feel the urge to do differently. I want to bring awareness to the severity, the pain, the ultimate loss of life among others and oneself to any form of mental illness, especially depression.

     Suicide holds a certain stigma and several different reactions arise among society. Sometimes it's anger we feel. Sometimes it's the thought of utter selfishness that lingers over our head. Either way, the fact of the matter is suicide and depression are real, serious issues. On one side, I want to mourn a death of a great person that gave the world such joy and humor. On the other side, I also want to bring awareness to mental illness. You or someone you may know, may struggle with great despair and a sense of hopelessness. I can only offer how and what worked for me in times of hopelessness.

     An important piece of depression, is sometimes there are blatant signs that one is struggling in life. However, more times than none, suicide can be a silent killer within oneself. I am the type that is the silent killer; the clown with the tears falling down one's cheeks. Silently, I struggled with deep despair and a sense of loss of hope throughout life. However, I learned how to seek help when I was in my darkest of dark days. I often found helpfulness in a consistent medication regimen, having a treatment team, and knowing where to turn for help. I knew my local hospital had a "safe zone" to go too where I could sit and just be. I wouldn't have to answer any questions. I had a list of five numbers of people that served as my emergency contacts... friends, family, therapist, etc. I knew local anonymous hotlines to call when I was struggling. I found that I was not alone and had to trust those dear to me.

     Don't get me wrong, it took courage and hope to get help. In the darkest of moments you can feel so alone when you truly are not alone. Once, I started to be true to my struggles, I realized I was not alone. Yes, it took plenty of admissions into hospitals. I often felt like it was all a never-ending "revolving door" at times. I often asked myself when would it all end, the struggle. Yes. It took several ups and down and lots of treatment, but I just always remembered that I would not lose HOPE in myself.

Whether you are a public figure or a private person, we all can bring awareness to the struggle.

If you or a loved one needs an anonymous hotline, Please Call:

National Suicide Prevention Hotline:
1-800-273-8255

-A.N.T.

Life of a Caterpillar!

     I can remember life as a vulnerable, little, hopeless girl so easily. The memories flood my brain like it was yesterday, keeping me stuck in a cocoon. However, the past memories can be so foggy at times too. The pain and suffering was carried with me throughout my daily life. The feeling of hopelessness and deep despair took over my body. I was a caterpillar at the time. I was losing hope; afraid of becoming a butterfly.

     I never wanted to die or end my life forever. But there were dark times that I wanted to numb out till defeat. An Eating Disorder (E.D.) was no longer providing the numbness that I tried so hard to console myself with in life. I was searching for relief in all the wrong places. It seemed easier to run away from the reality of all the truths. I was afraid, afraid of becoming a butterfly.

"It takes a million steps to reach failure, but only one-step forward to start to succeed." -A.N.T.

Stick-it to the Man!?!?!

    Today, I wake-up next to my beautiful, wonderful girlfriend that has taught me what true love means in the world of life. Everyday, I thank my lucky stars for the gift of love and life that I have been granted. But as the day progresses, our days part. She's off to work now and I'm left alone to my brain. I find myself thinking a lot about my past, future, and present. I'm left to the challenge. In the past, I have looked through a sliver of light. I thought I knew what life and love meant in the world. I was wrong. I am learning that I have to face the present day life as it comes surging forward in front of me. I feel helpless at times and find the urge to turn towards E.D. (Eating Disorder) to find solace.

     A wise person recently just told me, "things come to those that deserve the things that they have done. What goes around comes around." As my mind races, I think long and hard of my vulnerabilities and the passive approach to life I've took in the past. I've learned the hard way. I've learned to live life to it's fullest and to accept what has happened to me with a grain of salt at times. I've learned that the endless cycle of endless hope provided by E.D. will get me know where but deeper into the dark hole of life. It's a seductive cycle that ends not in happiness, but death (statistics). If solace is what I seek, then I look right in front of me among the gift of life and love from others.

     Even though things had seemed unattainable, things began to become attainable to me again. The fear of moving above and beyond to the unknown kept me stuck in a rut. Now, I am trudging through so much since last year at this time. Thus far, I have amazed myself. I feel and look healthier as a woman. For starters, E.D. doesn't rule my life everyday. I've learned to love myself unconditionally and accept where I am at in life at this very moment. I've learned how to pick myself up after hitting rock bottom from deceit, lies, and suffering. I've learned how to say, "NO" and be okay with my decisions. I've learned how to turn my finances around and discover what true-love truly means. I've learned to listen and trust in myself more and more everyday. I am finding solace in life without E.D.

-A.N.T.

GRATITUDE

     I sit in my room today and I ponder on life. I look back into the past and into the future. I forget about the present day life. I have to stop myself and think how I got to where I am at in life now. Do I go down the lane of self-sacrifice or self-hopefulness? I don't know. I am at a stand still. I feel the past creeping in on me more and more everyday as I reach for the future. I get trampled down by the past choices I've made and actions that occurred. It's like quicksand to me at times. The struggle to get to the top of the pit;  too only get deeper into the depths of the sand.

     I start to remain calm. I take a deep breath, and grasp onto the helping hands to pull me out of the quicksand. I rely on myself a lot and expect a lot from myself, but I am realizing that the hand of hope and help of others can be less self-sacrificing.

     Some days are darker than others for me lately. Despite the hands of hope and help that fill my everyday life, it's like a sad pity party at times (this is when I begin to chuckle about life). "Pity parties" are the best? They are an evil vortex that can spin uncontrollably out of control throughout the thralls of life. They lead you to more sadness and the denial of everyday life. You are left feeling more helpless and incapacitated than you hoped for after the "pity-party." But how do you spin out of it all? Do you give in to self-sacrifice or trudge on to self-hopefulness?

     I have a lot of anger from the past but I refuse to remain stuck in the quicksand of life. I could elaborate more on my anger, but that truly would get me nowhere except right where I started in the first place. So, I digress with all the gratitude I have now from surviving the pit of quicksand.

I owe you all thanks.

I can't help to think 

that you are all in my heart

as I travel throughout life.

-A.N.T.

"I deny myself everything I desire"

     I'm no expert nor a professional, but when it comes to dieting and weight loss, I stay clear. Even though it's part of my society, workplace, and everyday life. I'm happy with my size and shape that I've developed into as an healthy woman. I don't stop and stare at others and compare myself to the thin, wishing for the same. I embrace my womanhood. I embrace that every month "Aunt Flow" comes to visit me. She's a gift; a gift of life to me every month.

     "Part of disciplining the body is denial. We want but we dare not have. To lose weight or maintain our ideal bodies, we deny ourselves certain foods. We deny ourselves rest by working out. We deny ourselves peace of mind by remaining ever vigilant over our bodies. We withhold from ourselves until we achieve a goal and then we withhold from ourselves to maintain that goal. " 

     The key to my life is loving myself and my body. I respect it. I treat it with love as it does in return for me. When I'm hungry, I eat. Sometimes more than my body needs and sometimes less than what my body needs, but it's called body regulation. I trust in my body everyday. When I start to untrust myself and my body regulation, I take a step back and look into what's really going on in my life. 

     "Punishment is, in fact, one of the few things I allow myself."

      I lived that life of self-punishment. Where I blamed myself for all "the bad and evil" that happened to me. I trusted no one but my eating disorder (E.D.) I knew that my life was falling apart but I didn't care. I knew E.D. would protect me, so I thought. There was numerous times that I resorted to my "best friend" to guide me through the sea of waves of life. The adrenaline pumped when I had that false sense of a "high" in life. The feeling of being in control of things can be so deceiving when caught in a web of self-destruction. In the moment, it feels so good! The cycle can barely be broken at times. The blood rushes through your veins and you constantly seek the "high" to help numb you out. I'm escaping reality. I'm in turn ultimately continuously punishing myself from enjoying the enriches of life.

"I could not remember the last time I had allowed myself the simple pleasure of a painted fingernail."

     It was this very weekend that I pampered myself. I took the time with my girlfriend to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. I had let time pass by when I realized I had not "treated" myself to something pleasurable in a while. So, I got a pedicure. There's nothing better than getting my nails painted and my sore feet pampered. It felt great to acknowledge that I deserve and need self-pampering in my life too. So, today I move thru the maze of life with an head held high and proud. May today or this week you take the time to pamper yourself too. :)

**** Disclaimer ****

The following article can raise a lot of controversy and does deal with actual numbers. So please read at your own discretion.

Article that inspired today's blog entry

http://www.xojane.com/issues/my-body-is-wildly-undisciplined-and-i-deny-myself-nearly-everything-i-desire?wc=EAhuGwt+Ah0uABRuBwELCxcIUgoEFnA=

Stigma

What has kept me from sharing my road to recovery from everyone I meet? Part of it is the fear of being stigmatized for recovering from an Eating Disorder (E.D.) Ignorance can be bliss at times.

I remember it like yesterday. The feeling of being crazy and hopeless, barely escapes me. I was walking the halls of my own employment. I turned to talk to a doctor. In the back ground, I could not help but over hear other doctors talking loudly amongst themselves, "She's a patient of Dr. X. All her patients are crazy. They have no grip on life. I guess I will take her on." It was like a sucker punch to the gut at that moment. I am also a patient of Dr. X. I felt helpless and defenseless. I was recovery from an eating disorder and am I "crazy" too? The stigma of an eating disorder came to a screeching halt. The pre-judgement placed on this patient and Dr. X was unfair.

Hard Myths, Misconceptions, and Stigmas:
- It's a rich person disease.
- It's a woman's disease.
- Its all about body image, influenced by the media.
- It's a way to attention seek.
- It's a physical illness
- As long as a person is eating, they are recovered.
- Everyone with an eating disorder is anorexic.
- You'd know if someone had an eating disorder because they would be real thin.
- People with an eating disorder choose to have one and can "snap out of it."
- It's a diet and is primarily about food and weight.
- Recovery is impossible.

Today, I share this blog entry with the hopes to desensitize the stigma behind eating disorders. In turn, decrease the misconceptions, fears and myths about E.D. Again, I am not writing as a medical professional, but rather just your average woman, living life like any one of us. Please educate yourself before passing your judgements amongst society.

ALONE and ALIVE

(Written in 2004: Alone)

Alone

I've never experienced love.

I fear life and death, 

never knowing which is better.

The pain and suffering I've numbed

keeps catching up to me.

With not knowing where to turn

and what to say.

It's fear of life and death

that keeps me befuddled in clouds.

When ready to throw the towel,

and hit rock bottom,

fearing to live life of my own,

it's fear of death that stuns me.

To awake me to my present life. 

To feel my own breath and heart beating

as I ascend to the stars.

(Written in 2014: Alive)

Alive

I'm experiencing love.

I fear death, 

knowing it's inevitable.

The pain and suffering I'm dealing with

keeps me living life.

With not knowing where to turn

and what to say at times.

It's the thralls of E.D. (eating disorder)

that keeps me befuddled in the clouds.

With the towel, I wipe the beads of sweat from my face,

and climb up to the top.

Succeeding to live life on my own.

No longer does the thralls of E.D. stun me.

I'm alive and living my life. 

To feel my own breath and heart beating

as I ascend to the stars.

Medications

     I sat in my hospital bed curled up into a little ball. Scared! Afraid! I knew something was not right, but I had no idea what was going on with me. I refused to eat and take those little pills that they wanted to give me. I was dying inside and out. I had seeked out professional help, but I still refused to accept it at the time. It took me a very long time to trust the helping hands of the professionals.

     In the beginning, I was very resistant to medications on my road to recovery from an eating disorder (E.D.). "What are you giving me? No, I dont want your little pills. I want to face this on my own not with some little pill that will change or control me. You're all trying to kill me!"  I was very hesitant and resistant. I felt I was a guinea pig with all the medications. For me, it took letting go of control and accepting help from others. Hesitantly, I was able to let the professionals guide me through my recovery. Eventually and doubtfully, I was willing to take the medications.

     Throughout my road to recovery, I remained on medications. It wasn't an easy road to stay on course. I veered off several times with refusing and stopping my medications on my own. I would start to feel better, things were going well, and I would think I could do it on my own without medications. Then things would start to get out of control, a dark cloud hung over my head, and E.D. behaviors would start to emerge strongly. Deep down inside, I knew I needed them.

     Now, I take maintenance medications for my everyday life on my road to recovery. I still struggle everyday to take my medications. I don't necessarily like being on medications but I know from my own experiences that I need them. Someday, I hope to not have to take them, but I accept that I need them now.


***What works for some, may not work for others. I write this blog entry with my own experiences, not expertise advice.***

Ultimate Goals: NOW

     It's February 25, 2014, close to 10 years later, that I reflect on my progress and current goals on my path of recovery from E.D. (eating disorder). It took me finding a contract dated May 05, 2004 to realize how far I have progressed on my road. I have realized that I'm much further along on my road to recovery than I ever imagined. 

     I take a moment to stop and acknowledge my strides I've taken on my road. I realized it's not about the number on the scale that dictates my life or recovery. Recovery meant challenging the voice of E.D and listening to the voice of Ariane. Acknowledging that the real work came after I was at a healthy weight was a true challenge. Below is a list of my current goals.

-A.N.T.

"May you all accept right where you are at in life now"

ULTIMATE GOAL:

Living Life

Goals:

1.    Stay focused on recovery and health.
2.    Living life to its fullest by being true to myself.
3.    Checking in with treatment team monthly.
4.    Go to therapy weekly.
5.    Trust my hunger cues and body regulation as a woman.
6.    Face my past and cope in healthy ways.

Support:

1.    Follow my hunger cues and body regulation as a woman.
2.    Talk about triggers and feelings in everyday life with therapist.
3.    Question E.D. with reality and others; give the insanity a voice.
4.    Call/Text a support about anything.
5.    Keep in touch with treatment providers.

Guidelines:

1.    Skipping of meds, results in more treatment.
2.    “Weighing self” and reflecting on “mirror images:” is self-destructive motto.
3.    Skipping appointments results in loss of treatment and decreased income.
4.    Continue working on nutritional goals. Loss of weight is terms for taking aggressive action

My current goals differ from ten years ago that's for sure.

Please refer to blog entry: ULTIMATE GOALS: THEN to compare and contrast.

Ultimate Goals: Then

     Recently, I was dusting off my milkcrate of E.D. (eating disorder) recovery tools and old journals that I saved throughout my years of recovery. I had stumbled across this piece of paper called my "Ultimate Goals":

   

     It was May 04, 2004 and I sat in my therapist's office. I reached over and handed over a piece of paper that I created for my future goals.  It was like a written contract between my treatment providers and I for my recovery. At the time, I had been on my road to recovery for approximately two years. The contract helped me stay focused on recovery and life throughout the earlier years.

     In the beginning years, E.D. was still playing a very strong role throughout my life. I look at my goals from ago and realize food, weight, and exercise was the focus of my goals. Mood monitors, meal planning,  food records, weekly weigh-ins, and extensive treatment amongst providers was a strong emphasis on my road to recovery at the time. My road has had several bumps along my path and my goals have changed throughout the years.

     It's now February 21, 2014, close to 10 years later, that I reflect on my progress and current goals on my path of recovery.  It took me finding this contract to realize how far I have come. I have realized that I'm much further along on my road to recovery. I take a moment to stop and acknowledge my strides I've taken on my road. My current goals differ from ten years ago that's for sure. May you all accept right where you are at in life now.

-A.N.T.

(Stay-tuned for Ultimate Goals: Now)

Achieve the Unachievable!

It may be a struggle

Upon that steep mountain

And even be hurtful.

Some of the hills will be unbearable

While some will remain easy.

But just remember its all achievable.

Times will come of denial

And full of hopelessness 

But keep trying because one is able.

Able to face defeat

And courageously continue on

You will over come with each feet.

Take the tools you know

And use them to guide you

While you ascend tiptoe.

It may all seem unbelievable

But you will journey along

To achieve the unachievable!

-A.N.T.

(Written on April 29, 2011)

Set-Backs

Faced with change. Faced with the fear of the unknown. It's one step forward, two steps backwards at times. How does one cope with illness, death, or any sudden change? Change can be good and bad, all at the same time. Change in the moment can be devastating and life altering.

How do I deal with change? There's an urge to revert back to my childhood/teenager ways, better known as E.D. (eating disorder), to help me cope.  I feel the need to gain a sense of control of the situation by restricting calories, jumping on a scale to help reinforce my self-disgust, and fixating my mind on food. The false sense of a high that I get from focusing on a number is unexplainable at times. In turn, my mind is numbed out from the reality of sudden change. Where do I end up, two-steps backwards, one step forward in life? How do I continue on the forward motion of a roller coaster of a ride through life? It's simple, right, "just eat?"

Well, it's never that simple for me, otherwise, this blog wouldn't exist. What has helped me through the dark days and keeps me focused on life?  I owe a lot of thanks to a lot of people but that's too come. It's a loaded question, "what has helped me?" Well,things have changed throughout my recovery with E.D. with several accomplishments and set-backs that have put me right where I am at in life now.

Several things have helped me throughout my road to recovery. In the beginning, after a year of in-patient treatment, I kept extensive daily food logs. I planned out every meal with a weekly meal plan. I had a very extensive, tight-knit network of treatment providers that included a psychotherapist, psychiatrist, primary care physician, nutritionist, and group-therapist. Having a network of providers and a strong support system of friends and family is pertinent to my recovery.

I can remember how the thought of food shopping was a panic-stricken ordeal to me. The thought of having to face all my fears, trust in my treatment providers, and let go of control was very frightening. Eventually it became a way of life, a non-frightening habit to me.

Journalling has been and still plays a major role in my recovery. Poetry writing and blogging came later in my recovery, which has become a very therapeutic outlet for me. The places I've gone, the accomplishments I've made, have all shaped me into the healthy-woman I strive to be every day.


-A.N.T.

Tangled Web

To be tangled in a web

lost amongst the stars

feeling my heart beating hard.

Fleeing from my past

running towards my future

leaving behind my present.

Turning towards hope

wishing for the best

believing in one's self.

Knowing life can be lived

free from a tangled web

willing to live life now.

-A.N.T.

The New Price is Right...

The NEW Price is Right!

The Price is Right originally aired in 1956, hosted by Bill Cullen. It was later aired as The New Price is Right in 1972, hosted by the one and only, Bob Barker. It ran one hour per day, five days per week on national television. For many youngsters, it meant that a sick day home from school would go by that much faster. Time would stop and not a peep would be made because THE PRICE IS RIGHT was on!!!

It is always wonderful to let time pass, no worries in the way. It's like losing yourself and letting things run its course. It's not often enough that I or perhaps you, stop to enjoy the simple pleasures in life every day. It took me a lot of practice and patience to sit and enjoy the moment. There is nothing worse than fighting the demons of the mind.

Originally, my demons paused for the show Punky Brewster, then disappeared until my late teens when New york Undercover and E.R aired on Thursday evenings. Then the mind-numbing continued with Dawson's Creek. But the one true-blue show that has stuck with me through it all is The Price is Right.

The day finally came, I went to the showing of The Price is Right. It was more like a road trip via bus through Santa Monica and an overnight stay in a youth Hostel. Finally. I made it to the show. It was a dream come true. I did not make it on the show that day, but it did not matter to me. I was just so happy to be there. At the time, I was severely grappling with E.D., but it was the glimpses of reality and hope that kept me alive. It was the travails of every day life that kept me fighting through every day!

May you all find your inner peace and time spent each week or day to relax and let time pass.
May today bring the best out in you :)

-A.N.T.

You Can Afford to Eat More...

     It is the new year, right? Diets are in full swing and body image takes on a life of its own for many people. Some of us are disappointed in our self-image, distorted or not. We wish the reflection in the mirror didn't show the "imperfections" of our self-image. Man or woman, we all have our struggles in the journey of life. It may not be the reflection in the mirror, the dimple on your butt cheek, or the fold of your stomach over your jeans; It can be the simple thought of regret. The regret in yourself and how you brought yourself to where you are at in life. For the eating disordered, the true question can teeter between food and how your size can dictate your path in life?

     With an eating disorder, life can seem so focused on a number on the scale. Hour by hour, you can jump on a scale and let it determine your self-worth. Tragedy can strike; death can pass; but what all you know is a number on the scale. Your thoughts are strung together by food! Let it be the purging of, the stuffing of, or the restricting of food that numbs you out completely. Either way, food can be our worst enemy. It can seem so simple, "just eat" to others. It can be a no-brainer to take on life's challenges and face our fears, but how does it become so? This seems to be a more philosophical question that has many unanswered questions and views to many.  So today I let the question fester, perhaps stir up a thought or two. Please do know I am here. To listen and guide you in your light among your path of life.

     Today, I offer support to others. I don't ever endorse another page or blog, but I am making an exception to my rules to help give insight to the lost:

http://www.adiosbarbie.com/2012/11/five-ways-to-support-a-loved-one-in-eating-disorder-recovery/


Yours truly,
-A.N.T

Best Friends!

     Everyone has a best friend, right? A friend that guides you, listens to you and lends you a hand? That tells you the truth and lets you know how they feel. They help accentuate your strengths and support your goals in life. They stand by your side through thick or thin. What if I told you my best friend at a particular time in my life was not that?

     I HAD a best friend, his name was E.D.! He told me how I looked, held my hand through all my fears, and told me how I could live my life perfectly. He gave me "strength" and "hope" throughout my dark years. He was a "real" fashion designer too. He told me what to wear, how to wear it, and even was truthful when I looked too fat! He helped dictate my days by the number on the scale. He helped me count every calorie that went down my throat. He was a "true blue" friend, so I thought.

     It took several years, a decade, to accept what a "true blue" friend meant to me. It took death knocking at my door to realize that a "true blue" friend does not ultimately kill you. A real "true blue" friend accepts you for who you are, supports your life goals, and guides you through the maze of life. I did not find that in my toxic friend, E.D.(Eating Disorder)! He may have been there to lend a hand, to reinforce my demons in my head, but I realized that my Eating Disorder was a "true blue" friend to me.

     Who is a "true blue" friend to me? Who guides me, listens to me, and lends me their hand? Well, several people have impacted me throughout my years. One person that sticks out in my mind exemplifies my best qualities: my Mom. She has always helped me along the way in my life. No matter what it was, a hand reached out to help me over the cliff. Don't get me wrong, we had our differences in life at a younger age, but she never gave up on me. Perhaps, it was her silence, maybe it was her sternness, maybe it was her humor, perhaps it was her love that helped to structure me throughout life. Whatever it may be, it always has helped guide me throughout the travails of life while I discover myself. So, thank you, Mom, for guiding me through the light, standing by my side through the thick or thin.

May you all thank your best friends today for giving you light!

-A.N.T.

2013 Needs a Review?

Review Time?

I sat in front of my computer thinking, "what if I really recapped the year of 2013?" I always thought the number "13" was a lucky number; contrary to belief. If you asked me at the beginning of the year, I would throw my towel in and believe that my "lucky 13" was a fraud. 

I can think of several events and turning points in my path of life throughout two-thousand and thirteen, but I am not sure I want to relive the disgraceful moments. Yes, we all learn from our mistakes and grow from them. However; I did slide down a slippery slope while, I almost lost myself forever in the wrath of another. Everything was spiralling out of control and I had just about lost myself. 

I remember the day, it was a Sunday afternoon. I was "allowed" to visit an important person, my Dad! It had been a very long time overdue. Hesitantly, I met with my dad, knowing that a deep conversation was about to be had. We talked about happiness. It was then that I acknowledged, I made a huge mistake in the start of the year of 2013. I faced all my fears, grabbed all my courage, and listened to the same voice; the same little voice of  "Ariane" that had led me thru the revolving door in 2002. Courageously, I packed all my bags and left my turbulent life that I was living at the time.

I entered through a new revolving door for the first time. A door that gave me light and hope. I reconnected with friends and family as I travelled throughout 2013. I did a lot of self-discovery. I even discovered the true meaning of love with someone else that's so special to me. I am thankful more than ever for the year 2013! I knew it was always a lucky "13" to me!

Time to make change

even if things feel strange.

Rearrange your own map

and don't worry if things overlap.

Face all your fears

that your developed through the years.

Choose your own path

despite what could be the aftermath.

Fearing the unknown

can lead you to be alone.

So, face two-thousand fourteen

and make sure to wear your sunscreen.

Happy New Year to you all!!!

May 2014 bring love and joy!!!

-A.N.T.