Set-Backs

Faced with change. Faced with the fear of the unknown. It's one step forward, two steps backwards at times. How does one cope with illness, death, or any sudden change? Change can be good and bad, all at the same time. Change in the moment can be devastating and life altering.

How do I deal with change? There's an urge to revert back to my childhood/teenager ways, better known as E.D. (eating disorder), to help me cope.  I feel the need to gain a sense of control of the situation by restricting calories, jumping on a scale to help reinforce my self-disgust, and fixating my mind on food. The false sense of a high that I get from focusing on a number is unexplainable at times. In turn, my mind is numbed out from the reality of sudden change. Where do I end up, two-steps backwards, one step forward in life? How do I continue on the forward motion of a roller coaster of a ride through life? It's simple, right, "just eat?"

Well, it's never that simple for me, otherwise, this blog wouldn't exist. What has helped me through the dark days and keeps me focused on life?  I owe a lot of thanks to a lot of people but that's too come. It's a loaded question, "what has helped me?" Well,things have changed throughout my recovery with E.D. with several accomplishments and set-backs that have put me right where I am at in life now.

Several things have helped me throughout my road to recovery. In the beginning, after a year of in-patient treatment, I kept extensive daily food logs. I planned out every meal with a weekly meal plan. I had a very extensive, tight-knit network of treatment providers that included a psychotherapist, psychiatrist, primary care physician, nutritionist, and group-therapist. Having a network of providers and a strong support system of friends and family is pertinent to my recovery.

I can remember how the thought of food shopping was a panic-stricken ordeal to me. The thought of having to face all my fears, trust in my treatment providers, and let go of control was very frightening. Eventually it became a way of life, a non-frightening habit to me.

Journalling has been and still plays a major role in my recovery. Poetry writing and blogging came later in my recovery, which has become a very therapeutic outlet for me. The places I've gone, the accomplishments I've made, have all shaped me into the healthy-woman I strive to be every day.


-A.N.T.