Medications

     I sat in my hospital bed curled up into a little ball. Scared! Afraid! I knew something was not right, but I had no idea what was going on with me. I refused to eat and take those little pills that they wanted to give me. I was dying inside and out. I had seeked out professional help, but I still refused to accept it at the time. It took me a very long time to trust the helping hands of the professionals.

     In the beginning, I was very resistant to medications on my road to recovery from an eating disorder (E.D.). "What are you giving me? No, I dont want your little pills. I want to face this on my own not with some little pill that will change or control me. You're all trying to kill me!"  I was very hesitant and resistant. I felt I was a guinea pig with all the medications. For me, it took letting go of control and accepting help from others. Hesitantly, I was able to let the professionals guide me through my recovery. Eventually and doubtfully, I was willing to take the medications.

     Throughout my road to recovery, I remained on medications. It wasn't an easy road to stay on course. I veered off several times with refusing and stopping my medications on my own. I would start to feel better, things were going well, and I would think I could do it on my own without medications. Then things would start to get out of control, a dark cloud hung over my head, and E.D. behaviors would start to emerge strongly. Deep down inside, I knew I needed them.

     Now, I take maintenance medications for my everyday life on my road to recovery. I still struggle everyday to take my medications. I don't necessarily like being on medications but I know from my own experiences that I need them. Someday, I hope to not have to take them, but I accept that I need them now.


***What works for some, may not work for others. I write this blog entry with my own experiences, not expertise advice.***