Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

     
     The innocence and purity of a child versus the young teen's perspective of themselves, can be so different. What is it that changes the mind in such a way? Is there a specific moment? When does the care-free spirit of a child develop into a perfect, good-looking teenager? When was it that you took a different perspective of yourself; the reflection mattered in the mirror the most to you? Who or what were your influences in your teenage years?
   
     I can remember my life as a child as being carefree and free-spirited. I even believed money grew on trees and credit cards were instant cash for all purchases. Something changed. My thought process was different around the eighth grade for me. I lost a lot of people very dear to me including my Grammy, Pepere, and Uncle Leonard that year. Also, I started dabbling in the thought of becoming a woman and wanting to fit in with other peers. The reflection in the mirror started to talk back to me. I started to care about my looks and what I wore. I wanted to fit in.

    At the time, I played ice hockey on an all-girls team and I yearned to play on the boy's high school hockey team, but I cared what others might think of me such as, "you are a man, you are a tom boy" I lived in fear that I would be subjected to bullying in high school. Eventually, I stopped playing ice hockey for many reasons, one being the urge to be more feminine. I took up cross country and track and field. I found another sport that I could excel in and even be praised for my talent. My body and shape turned into a mirage; a strive for perfection. I lost sight of the joy of running. The image in the mirror was never good enough. Eventually, it dictated my self-worth.

     I began developing into a woman by my sophomore year of high school, aka puberty started. I did not know what was happening with my body or what it was going through in life. The changes to my body were so foreign. What I thought should be a good thing, turned into something that I hated. The mirror told me I was getting fatter, I was not pretty, and I was going to be slower as a runner. I strived for perfection and fought puberty with all my might. I did not understand that developing into a woman meant becoming a strong, healthy woman. I listened to the distorted reflection in the mirror.

     Peer pressure, puberty, media, sibling rivalry, and parental guidance all influenced my self-reflection in the mirror. Ultimately, I struggled with wanting to fit-in but also to be the very best I could be. I strived for perfection. My mindset changed within myself for the worst. The reflection in the mirror became my worst enemy and best friend, all at the same time. What I thought was a friend, ended up becoming a contributing factor to struggling with an eating disorder. My self-worth began to be dictated by a distortion in the mirror that I believed.

     Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all? What does your mirror say back to you? Do you talk back to the reflection while respecting yourself too? Understanding beauty comes with in and how you carry yourself is the only reflection that should matter to you. Understanding that no matter what age you are, our bodies are changing all the time. Media and society never should dictate our self-worth in everyday life. Embrace you. Be that care-free child and continue to love yourself in a nonjudgmental way because you are the fairest of them all.

Love yourself

     As I reflect on my life at the age of thirty-five years old, I wonder how I have learned to love myself along the way. I ask myself, "how can one love themselves' when there is so much more to love in others?" Well, I've learned along the way, through the guidance of my parents, that it is important to love yourself first. It can be a hard concept to grasp for a selfless person, but I as I walk in my own shadow, I trust and love myself for all of me.

     It took a lot of time and practice to finally love myself for all of me. Actually, I am still in practice to be honest. As a nurse, I put other needs first and care for many people in their worst of moments. So, how do I balance loving myself too? Well, I love my career and helping others. I feel blessed to be able to love and do what I love to do, which is help others. But there is a balance. In order to be able to care and love for others, I had to learn to love myself for all of me, including my imperfections.

     Loving yourself doesn't mean being self-centered. There is a major difference between the two. Self-centered is expecting others to treat oneself as special, but does not return the favor. There's a lack of insight into their own behavior, and consequently relationships are empty and incomplete. People who have developed a sense of self-love value themselves in full, including their imperfections. They learn from their mistakes and utilize non-judgemental efforts to honor their own voice.

     I give you all permission to love yourself everyday. Have compassion for others by being compassionate with yourself. Forgive others by forgiving yourself. Trust in yourself and love who you are in every aspect of your life. So put your arms around yourself and give yourself a big hug. You deserve it.

-A.N.T.

A Letter to my 9-Year Old Self

Dear Younger Self,

I am writing to you to tell you that no matter what you do or say, you are perfect just the way you are. You may make some mistakes along the way but you will learn from all of them. No matter what one says or does, it won't make or break you. You are an amazing person and are making a difference in life. Please take all these words of advice that I've learned along the years:

Don't be so hard on yourself... breathe! Everything will work out.
Enjoy every second you got.
Fight for what you believe in.
You are not a failure.
No one can take away your innocence.
You are perfect just the way you are.
Your self-esteem is not based on how cool you are, rather how you feel about yourself.
Cherish every part of yourself including your own personality and uniqueness.
What you see in the mirror or read on the scale, should never dictate your day.
Be yourself always.
You can be anything you want to be; your heart is big and welcomes all.
You are healthy and strong - pimples and 'flaws' are part of the growing pains that are normal.
You don't need to belong to a click, to make you feel you belong in life.

Sincerely,
Older Me

This is a video that has inspired me to write words of wisdom to myself. I saw this video at a Massachusetts General Hospital (MGH) seminar about Eating Disorders.I had to share this because it has inspired me. May this inspire all of you:

Barriers to Treatment

     Lately, I have been hearing about a wide-spread media coverage on the heroin crisis. I often ask myself, how and why it's so hard to recover. What are the barriers to treatment? From a first person perspective, one whom has been in recovery with an Eating Disorder, there are so many reasons that can be close to impossible at times. There are so many internal and external barriers to treatment.

     One of the biggest internal barriers to treatment is the readiness and the ability to seek help. It takes a lot of courage to admit that what may have been working at one time, is no longer working anymore. Sometimes it can feel like a sense of defeat; a sign of weakness. But in actuality, the opposite is true! It takes strength, bravery, and courage to admit something has to change before it's too late. Realizing this can be very hard and can be a different way of thinking for someone struggling so much.

     Often, when people suffer with the notion of seeking help, they have burned a lot of bridges. We can be such master manipulators when we are in the thralls of our disease. We tell people what they want to hear but do the complete opposite. We burn bridges that have been built once with trust. We often struggle with the ability to keep close, real friendships and often don't trust anyone. A very key component to recovery is a strong support system. Building healthy relationships again can be so hard, but it's a very important part of treatment.

     Once, one is faced with needing or wanting to seek help, the availability of treatment facilities can be non-existent. They are stressed to the maximum and there are waiting lists too. Then you are faced with another external barrier such as INSURANCE. One may or may not have insurance, which leads to the ability to pay. Insurance companies dictate your length of stay, often leaving people to be discharged to soon. People may be sober,"not-using" or eating healthy at time of discharge but the skills to recover are non-existent when thrown back to the same environment. A tight network of supports, treatment providers, and will-power is needed before discharge. Often, people don't get that in a few days stay. People are discharged way to soon once they are "stabilized." often there are not enough skills in place to help one fight the battle. The comfort zone is still strong and leads to a false sense of failure.

     Does it sound impossible to recover at times? The internal and external barriers seem overwhelmingly high, but the answer is no. The revolving door syndrome may happen multiple times during your recovery where you go in and out of facilities and treatments, but it is always a forward motion. Recovery is two steps forward and one step backwards. Having patience, understanding, and knowing relapse happens can be key to recovery. I never recovered in one stay in a hospital. The battle is every day and can seem like failure to others. Educating yourself and understanding the course of recovery can be very helpful to one who is struggling.

     May it be a heroin crisis or any addiction, loved ones need to take the time to educate him or herself and have lots of patience, Sometimes, tough love is needed while other times it is not. Open your hands and heart to realize that it's a process. Tragically it all can end in death. For those of you struggling, please know you are not alone. Recovery is possible.

Often life seems impossible

even when it's possible.

Know you are not alone

even when you feel lost.

Take the time to listen

and follow your heart.

-A.N.T.

Taking a Leap of Hope

It was a scary day for me but I knew something had to change in my life. A revolving door swung me through the beginning of a journey; living life. My journey with life with an Eating Disorder (E.D.) was about to become non-existent at Walden Hospital in Waltham, MA. It was the year of 2002 when I fearfully entered through that revolving door. Thirteen years later, I still struggle with recovery but am living life free from E.D. every day more and more.

     I was at my breaking point at the age of twenty-two. I was exhausted. I was petrified of change and of the unknown. My friends and family were expressing their concerns and even willing to have me committed. “I was fine,” I often tried to explain to everyone. It took all my strength to counteract all the demons in my head and seek help from professionals. My journey that day was one of the scariest moments in my life but most relieving at the same time.

     In Walden Hospital, I trusted no one and was in extreme denial of my Eating Disorder. I felt all I needed to do was learn how to eat. “I don’t have an Eating Disorder,” I would often argue with everyone. I was angry, untrusting, and ambivalent to accepting the help I sought. As the refeeding progress slowly started, I was becoming more coherent in my decision making. I was able to start to understand that I was struggling with an Eating Disorder. I began to let go of E.D.; the control it had over me. My days in the hospital were very tough and not easy, but I knew life was better than life with E.D., I had a glimmer of hope.

     My days in Walden Hospital was a struggle at times but all the patients, professionals, family, and friends provided me with hope. I started to not feel alone as I began to take part in my own recovery. The more I began to be part of my own treatment and life, the stronger I became. Don’t get me wrong, at the beginning I was angry at everyone and denied myself treatment. I was beyond ambivalent. I was scared, but it was the little voice inside me that walked through that revolving door that kept me alive.
          Over ten years later, I still am in recovery from E.D., but I know that one day I will be recovered, free from E.D. I now believe freedom from E.D. is possible. I may not be fully recovered but I do consider myself much happier and healthier. Currently, I am living my life to its fullest with bumps along my road to recovery. May we all know we are not alone in our struggles on the road of life? I write this blog entry with hope that it will instill hope in you and touch your soul. May we all find our true selves!

-A.N.T.

How to be a Hero/Heroine with an Eating Disorder.

     I reflect on my past, asking myself what I missed out on in life with an eating disorder (E.D.). This is what I reflected on. I missed out on reality. Life with love. I pushed people away and was comfortably numbed out; high on life. An eating disorder pushed me through life of restriction and over exercising. I lived in fear of the unknown. Every day was centered on the number on the scale and how many miles I ran that day. Every ounce of nourishment was counted in calories and dictated my own self-worth. Ultimately, I felt I was untouchable to everyone that came into my life. I was impulsively, uncontrollable at the time. I was driven by perfection and in a constant state of a delusional reality; trying to run from my past and jump into my future. I was a walking zombie, screaming for help on the inside. Finally, my breaking point had come knocking on my door.

     My breaking point was knowing that life was not meant to be lived like this. I was lying to people and myself. I was running away from reality. I was exhausted. My body was frail and dying. I did not know exactly what at the time, but something had to change before it was too late. It was the support of other's voices of reason and the total exhaustion into near death that led me to seek help. I had reached a breaking point and I knew I did not want to live like this anymore. I needed help.

    Once, I accepted the fact I was in recovery from an eating disorder and needed help, I began to live life. I still struggle to this day. The unhealthy behaviors may be non-existent for the most part, but the negative thought process still lingers on. I struggle with the thoughts of accepting myself in my own skin and clothes. When E.D. is talking loud in my head, I feel insecure and lost amongst myself. I try my best now to ask myself "what's really happening in my life?" Often I tell myself that these thoughts are not real and they will pass too. Then I focus on reality and struggles of everyday life instead of E.D. Certainly, it is not easy but I know that I want to live a life fully recovered; free from E.D. That fact alone keeps me focused on recovery.

     The more and more I focus on recovery, the more I live my life as the real me. My thoughts are clearer. My concentration levels are higher, I'm not in a constant state of deprivation and numbness to reality. I feel every emotion and embrace them all. My self-worth, confidence, and thought processes are not tainted by E.D. I have learned to live life without E.D. as I got older. I have developed self-respect and a sense of self-worth. Communication and assertiveness became a cornerstone to my recovery. Learning the difference between the two and the end results of each one are very important, I learned along the way, with much trial and error, that I am 'perfect' just the way I am. May we all be heroes/heroines in our own eyes!

Patient and Family Resource Center - Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston, MA

Come Join me and Others for a Seminar in Boston,MA on June 13th :)

 

Click the Link Below to register:

Patient and Family Resource Center - Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston, MA

Agenda

9:15am | Check-in

10:00am |  Welcome and Introduction: Kamryn T. Eddy, PhD, Jennifer J. Thomas, PhD

10:30am |  Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Bulimia Nervosa and Binge Eating Disorder: Jennifer J. Thomas, PhD

11:00am |  Questions and Answers

11:15am |  Family-Based Treatment for Child and Adolescent Anorexia Nervosa: Kamryn T. Eddy, PhD

11:45am |  Preventing Eating Disorders: Teen Mentorship Program Spotlight: Teen Mentors & Emily K. Gray, MD

12:00pm |  Lunch

1:00pm |  Patient and Family Panel: Emily K. Gray, MD

2:00pm |  Questions and Answers

2:15pm |  Long-Term Eating Disorder Recovery: Debra L. Franko, PhD

2:45pm |  Questions and Answers

3:00pm |  Neurobiology and Future Research Directions: Elizabeth A. Lawson, MD, MMSc

3:30pm |  Questions and Answers

3:30pm |  Program Adjourns

- A.N.T.

Barriers to Healing

     What I learned from fracturing a bone in my foot, it takes time to mend. However, healing emotional scars and wounds can take time to mend too. They are harder to see because they are invisible and internal, which makes them easier to ignore or deny altogether. The hardest part of coping with emotional pain, is facing it. When you don't face it, things can go array.

     When I was running away from my emotional pain, I became numb. I "stuffed" my feelings and emotions into a deep dark hole. I found artificial, unhealthy solace in an eating disorder (E.D.) at the time. I became so numbed that death was knocking on my door. At the time, I didn't know exactly what, but something had to change in my life. I didn't want to die.

     Change can involve the fear of the unknown. Change can be a step outside your "comfort-zone." It takes insight knowing that what may have worked before is not working anymore. But what makes change so difficult? Why does it feel so uncomfortable at the time? Here are some of the thoughts and barriers that I faced:

• Letting go of what is "familiar" can be scary. I could fail.
• Why rock the boat? It's easier to keep things the way they are.
• I"m fearful that people may reject the "new" me.
• I'm angry that I "have to" change.
• Why can't I stay the way I am?
• It's overwhelming when I think about all that it takes to "get better."
• I may lose people who might not be healthy for me.
• Who am I without "E.D.?"
• Last but not least, change can suck in the moment!

   
     The biggest part to realize with change is that the coping mechanisms we use to separate ourselves from all the suffering of emotional pain themselves become barriers to healing. Such can be true with an E.D. because you are blocking out the emotional pain by distracting with food and body image preoccupations. The biggest hurdle is stopping the cycle and realizing enough is enough. The first step to change is realization that what may "have worked" before is no longer working anymore. Once, you take that step, the healing process can begin.

-A.N.T.

How Not to Plant Herbs

     My new project with my partner for this upcoming spring was planting some herbs. Well, lets just say that starting something from a little seed is much harder than I thought. It takes patience and a lot of education, but I took the experimental route instead. I take failure and disappointment with a grain of salt for this next project.

     I truly did not know what I was getting myself into. In the past, I would of called my self stupid and a failure  for not succeeding, but this time I see it as an adventure; a strength. It was a total experiment I was willing to try out. I decided that I would learn a new craft and skill the hard way. So, with that said, I learned a lot about how to NOT plant herbs.  I did not fail, instead I gained a great deal of knowledge on what not to do the next time!

     Here's what I got to say to you all from my planting experience, don't be scared and make sure and try it for yourself. I may have the non-greenest thumbs around, but I refused to give up. Here is what I learned:

- Fertilizer: Not only do you need great fertilizer but you also need to feed the little seedlings with nutrients. DONT JUST WATER, give them a fertilizer too.

- Sunlight: Ample sunlight for all the little seedlings is a must. A table near a window does not constitute adequate sunlight. Herbs require direct sunlight.

- Fungus: Let this be known I could go off on a tangent about this, but I won't. Fungus is NOT a good sign unless you are growing mushrooms :) Too much moisture will create fungus.

- Watering: This is more of a science than an art I learned. Just because you think they are drying up doesn't mean to continue to water them multiple times. If the soil sticks to your fingers it is moist enough.

- Seeding: Plant a couple of seeds per cell. Just because you got a packet of seeds doesn't mean to plant them all in one or two cells, spread out the seeds. The overcrowding of to many seeds leads to death of the herb.

- Placement : Once you get the go ahead to place the herbs outside (after the last frost), do not place them on a railing two floors up. They are bound to be blown over.... our whole project ended today by a gust of wind that took over our creations.

I chuckle with the entire experience. Better luck next year to us :-)

-A.N.T.

Get Up Now :)

I could of gave up then

but it wasn't my when

time was ticking fast

and I knew it wouldn't last

I had to get up now.

I would of gave up then

but it wasn't my when

the sun was setting today

and I knew I couldn't delay

I had to get up now.

I thought to give up then

but it wasn't my when

my feet stood proud and strong

and I knew it wouldn't be long

I had to get up now.

I didn't give up then

because it wasn't my when

I picked my shoulders up

I refused to cover up

I got up now!

-A.N.T.

Affirmations by A.N.T. to Inspire all.

• You must walk through the mud to get to the clear water
• When I get lost; I live in the here and now of reality
• May we all be survivors!
• I don't regret I live and learn.
• May we all find ourselves along the journey of life!
• Where there is life, there is hope.
• Today was a day of sorrow. A day of loss. A door closed. A door opened. 
• Change doesn't come in nickels and dimes. It comes in dedication and sweat.
• Sadness flies away on the wings of time.
• You can only do one thing at a time. You're only one person.
• My inner voice loves me for me.
• My worst days in recovery are better than the best days in relapse.
• The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
• All the pain and suffering within oneself cannot be measured by a number on the scale!
• It takes a million steps to reach failure, but only one step forward to start to succeed.
• May you thank yourself or someone else for life today too!
• May you still treat your body with love when faced with illness...
• Being rich with love is better than wealth...
• Hope is seeing that there is light despite all of the darkness.
• It's by tiny steps that we shall all ascend to the stars.
• Gain strength, courage, & confidence through every experience in which you look fear in the face.
• Stay Strong: Achieve the Unachievable!
• Following a path of self-destruction leads to a life of misery.
• When life catches you up, grab it by the horns, and ride out the adventure!
• Step outside the confines of your comfort zone!
• Dare to live your life at the moment, freeing yourself from inner pain.

-A.N.T.

Angrily Putting Dressing on my Salad...

     At first, when I sought out recovery from an eating disorder (E.D.), I was angry at everyone that wanted to help me fight for a better life. I felt they were all against me and didn't understand me. In the beginning, my cognition was not coherent enough to be making rational decisions for my own well-being. As the refeeding process began at a treatment center/hospital, I began to accept help from others. My E.D. still fought me tooth and nail to not survive; I was angry.

     The emotion of anger manifested in my food. The less I ate, the more in control I felt of life's woes. So, while in a treatment center, I was angry at everyone. I thought they just wanted to "make me fat" and out of control. I felt angrily out of control. Food was my enemy, a poison to my delusional mind. I could not comprehend that everyone was trying to help and not harm me. Sometimes during recovery, I was angry at someone and myself for having an eating disorder. Sometimes, I'd get so mad that I became a victim and lost sight of the reality that I am a survivor. Part of my anger is accepting, letting go, and moving on in life's journey.

     Anger was always a scary emotion for me to healthily express. I always associated it with violence and out-of-control emotions. I usually stuffed my feelings, especially anger, to the point of explosion. Even to this day, I struggle with expressing my anger. I realize that the pot's vent must be vented, or it will burst. As I recovered, I learned that all emotions are healthy to express and release. Sometimes, my skin still boils with steam, but when that happens, I take a time-out and revisit the situation when my thoughts are collected, and I have cooled off. Anger is becoming a healthy emotion to express.

     The other day, I sat down to enjoy a delicious meal. I began to pour the salad dressing on my salad without a thought in the world stopping me. I enjoyed every morsel and each piece of the salad, savoring the many flavors that it contained. I enjoyed the entire meal that I was eating. I don't angrily put salad dressing on my salad anymore to help "get me fat." My expression of anger is not directed or ruled by food anymore. I happily want and savor all the nutrients. My anger is expressed in ways that center around emotions, not food. I am proud of my progress and the strides I've taken to understand my underlying feelings on my recovery journey. Thank you to all for helping me find myself and supporting me during this life process.

-A.N.T.

Freeing the Mind Behind the Mask

   
   
     Recently, I read an article in the February 2015 National Geographic magazine entitled "The Invisible War on the Brain." It discusses the effects of war on a soldier's brain and the changes that occur. It outlines how blast injuries to the brain change soldiers in ways many can't articulate. Also, the article discusses the use of art therapy that helps some cope and reveal themselves. Some soldiers revealed themselves through the painting of a mask. They depicted what they were like before the war and what they were like after the war. It was like a sense of articulation of the pain and suffering they are going through, it seemed:

National Geographic February 2015 Rebecca Hale (ALL)

     I was inspired by this article in many ways. It helped me realize that many people struggle with many different emotions and hide behind masks too. I felt inspired and impelled to share my mask behind an Eating Disorder (E.D.) through a collage instead of National Eating Disorder week:

May we all be true to ourselves today. 

Take your mask & free your mind today. Take the time to live every day.

Looking forward to the day, not tomorrow.

Be true to yourself today.

Live your life every day.

Loving the day.

Take your mask & free your mind today.

- A.N.T.     

Why I Decided To Share My Story

     I took that leap. The leap of faith that got me through the day. I knew I was not alone; I couldn't be. I knew that this could not be an internal struggle inside myself anymore. Despite the thoughts inside my head, I believed I was not alone. I hoped that sharing my story would help me and others too. 

     One of the most significant leaps in life was starting this blog and sharing my story. The more I became honest with myself, the more I realized I was not the only one struggling in life. Being alone and in deep despair can destroy one's soul. I began my blog in December of 2012, scared and alone, not knowing where to begin. As I began to type, my thoughts poured out onto the computer. I tried not to cast judgment on my entries, keeping the audience in mind. I began to believe I was not alone the more and more I shared my thoughts and struggles. Being honest about my battle with an eating disorder has helped me decrease my shame and guilt. The racing thoughts of self-destruction became less and less inside my mind.

     One of my passions in life is to try to find purpose and make it as meaningful as possible. I believe I am capable of becoming the person of being in life. While writing blog entries helps me on my road to recovery, I hope to make a difference in someone's life through my recovery process from an eating disorder. My blog relates to many internal struggles that anyone could be coping with in life. I try not to focus on the unhealthy coping mechanism of an Eating disorder. I try to focus on the emotions and the struggles of everyday life that I may encounter in the past, present, or future. 

     Sharing my story has helped me along my road of recovery and made me a healthier, braver woman. Thanks to all who support me during this process in life. I hope that sharing my story may help you or a loved one while helping myself. May we all find ourselves along the journey of life?!

- A.N.T.

Blaming Culture and Society?!?!

     Does the everyday life of a supermodel or a celebrity cause an eating disorder? What are your thoughts? Does society influence a certain person whose is susceptible to developing an eating disorder (E.D.) to progress into one? I once asked myself the same question, "Is an eating disorder the urge to be perfect or influenced by the media to develop?" As a person who struggles with everyday life and with an eating disorder, I say, "no!" So what does then cause an eating disorder you may ask? With each individual, it varies. There are several factors and not just one cause and event that causes an E.D.

    First, I digress on some facts that fit me. I don't find leisurely reading supermodel or paparazzi-type magazines such as, US or YM as a trigger for me. I do find solace in reading magazines like National Geographic and such. I embrace my body and my life for what it is. I don't look for reassurance in my size through certain magazines nor society. I understand that the younger youth may be influenced by their peers or their role models but I don't blame that ultimately. I tend to feel it has to do with emotional regulation and freedom of expression.

     An E.D. isn't about a certain size of a person. For me, it's about the lack of emotional freedom of expression. E.D. is an unrealistic sense of control in a life that's actually out of control. It's the delusional sense of control that leads to numbness and dissociative thoughts that 'feeds' an Eating disorder. I think that there were specific events that led to my eating disorder. I affirm that the major role in my life with an E.D., was the lack of emotional freedom and feeling of emotions. Those factors ultimately led to my eating disorder. Surprisingly, I felt validation and a sense of control when in the thralls of my eating disorder. An eating disorder made me feel numbed out to everyday life. It was an unconscious place to turn when things were disarray in my life.

    

     I have an urge to blame someone, something, an event, or a certain person that caused my E.D. I get angry and upset at times. But I just remind myself that I have the tools that I have learned throughout the years to not carry forth the deadly cycle. I have the tools to decide to survive or die. I have the tools to regret, remorse, or be free from it all. I have the power to live my everyday life free from E.D.

Sadness Flies Away on the Wings of Time:

     Nothing can explain the pain that is carried forth when faced with loss. Yes, death is ultimate. There is nothing left but the memories that we all hold onto. But what happens when a person is part of your life and no longer is in it? That person is gone. They are only a part of the past but still walks the streets of everyday life? How can that be? Why does life become so painful with a loss in life? I know that the worse feelings I feel now, shall pass too. However, in the moment it sucks.

     I feel so devastated to have learned that when I was faced with so many changes and medical scares in 2014, that it got worse. I learned that my therapist was leaving the practice and field forever. I thought I could hold it together. I thought it was all just part of the process in recovery. Then I said "NO! NO! NO! NO! It's not fair!" Yes, I even stomped my feet and pulled a temper tantrum at the age of thirty-four years old. At the time, I was amongst the silent four walls of my home. In the moment, there was nothing in the world that could have helped me mourn the loss of someone that had helped me through so much in my life.

     I met Martha over two years ago. I sat in her office with a chip on my shoulder, thinking this was just another person that wanted to "fix me." I was stubborn. I held my ground, but little did I know at the time that she was trying to help me. She genuinely cared about my past, present, and future; my well-being. I wasn't just a client nor a job to her. I felt. In the past, I have "opened-up" to one other therapist in all of the twelve years of recovery with an eating disorder. I struggled for a long time to trust Martha. I struggled to understand her "motive." I did not understand nor respect the fact that she genuinely cared about my well-being. I only had one other therapist that treated me with such respect and compassion. I am thankful for our work together. Martha has helped me get through so much in these past couple of years. She saw me through one of my darkest of times through the brightest of times. I have got nothing but honesty and trust in all our sessions. Every Friday, I dreaded every session. After every session, I would walk out of her office yelling to my partner "I'm cured." Martha always had a way with me. A way that made things so more manageable and understandable. The pain felt less and less every day.

     Now, I am faced with the reality that she is leaving. Suddenly, our time has come to an end. I am faced with a new future with a new therapist. Hopefully, the same chip that lingered on my shoulder at first with Martha, doesn't carry forth with tomorrow's future. I am sure that this will all pass too. I am sure that this too shall be yet another test of my strength in life; a learning experience. Maybe this is all an old chapter finished; a new chapter begun. Whatever this be a test of strength, give me the strength to get thru this gently.

     Gently, I wish for and hope that one can relate. I know I am not alone. I know I am not the only person that has lost someone in their life dear and near. Yes, it's part of treatment. Yes it's something that comes with the practice. But no matter what, this loss is one of my hardest. I know that I am not alone in this struggle. I reach out to fellow readers to recognize and possibly resonate with me. Thank you to all my readers and supporters during this transition.

Yours truly,
A.N.T.

From this day forward

 I will always ask myself:

"What would Martha say or do in this situation?"