Life of a Caterpillar!

     I can remember life as a vulnerable, little, hopeless girl so easily. The memories flood my brain like it was yesterday, keeping me stuck in a cocoon. However, the past memories can be so foggy at times too. The pain and suffering was carried with me throughout my daily life. The feeling of hopelessness and deep despair took over my body. I was a caterpillar at the time. I was losing hope; afraid of becoming a butterfly.

     I never wanted to die or end my life forever. But there were dark times that I wanted to numb out till defeat. An Eating Disorder (E.D.) was no longer providing the numbness that I tried so hard to console myself with in life. I was searching for relief in all the wrong places. It seemed easier to run away from the reality of all the truths. I was afraid, afraid of becoming a butterfly.

"It takes a million steps to reach failure, but only one-step forward to start to succeed." -A.N.T.

Stick-it to the Man!?!?!

    Today, I wake-up next to my beautiful, wonderful girlfriend that has taught me what true love means in the world of life. Everyday, I thank my lucky stars for the gift of love and life that I have been granted. But as the day progresses, our days part. She's off to work now and I'm left alone to my brain. I find myself thinking a lot about my past, future, and present. I'm left to the challenge. In the past, I have looked through a sliver of light. I thought I knew what life and love meant in the world. I was wrong. I am learning that I have to face the present day life as it comes surging forward in front of me. I feel helpless at times and find the urge to turn towards E.D. (Eating Disorder) to find solace.

     A wise person recently just told me, "things come to those that deserve the things that they have done. What goes around comes around." As my mind races, I think long and hard of my vulnerabilities and the passive approach to life I've took in the past. I've learned the hard way. I've learned to live life to it's fullest and to accept what has happened to me with a grain of salt at times. I've learned that the endless cycle of endless hope provided by E.D. will get me know where but deeper into the dark hole of life. It's a seductive cycle that ends not in happiness, but death (statistics). If solace is what I seek, then I look right in front of me among the gift of life and love from others.

     Even though things had seemed unattainable, things began to become attainable to me again. The fear of moving above and beyond to the unknown kept me stuck in a rut. Now, I am trudging through so much since last year at this time. Thus far, I have amazed myself. I feel and look healthier as a woman. For starters, E.D. doesn't rule my life everyday. I've learned to love myself unconditionally and accept where I am at in life at this very moment. I've learned how to pick myself up after hitting rock bottom from deceit, lies, and suffering. I've learned how to say, "NO" and be okay with my decisions. I've learned how to turn my finances around and discover what true-love truly means. I've learned to listen and trust in myself more and more everyday. I am finding solace in life without E.D.

-A.N.T.

GRATITUDE

     I sit in my room today and I ponder on life. I look back into the past and into the future. I forget about the present day life. I have to stop myself and think how I got to where I am at in life now. Do I go down the lane of self-sacrifice or self-hopefulness? I don't know. I am at a stand still. I feel the past creeping in on me more and more everyday as I reach for the future. I get trampled down by the past choices I've made and actions that occurred. It's like quicksand to me at times. The struggle to get to the top of the pit;  too only get deeper into the depths of the sand.

     I start to remain calm. I take a deep breath, and grasp onto the helping hands to pull me out of the quicksand. I rely on myself a lot and expect a lot from myself, but I am realizing that the hand of hope and help of others can be less self-sacrificing.

     Some days are darker than others for me lately. Despite the hands of hope and help that fill my everyday life, it's like a sad pity party at times (this is when I begin to chuckle about life). "Pity parties" are the best? They are an evil vortex that can spin uncontrollably out of control throughout the thralls of life. They lead you to more sadness and the denial of everyday life. You are left feeling more helpless and incapacitated than you hoped for after the "pity-party." But how do you spin out of it all? Do you give in to self-sacrifice or trudge on to self-hopefulness?

     I have a lot of anger from the past but I refuse to remain stuck in the quicksand of life. I could elaborate more on my anger, but that truly would get me nowhere except right where I started in the first place. So, I digress with all the gratitude I have now from surviving the pit of quicksand.

I owe you all thanks.

I can't help to think 

that you are all in my heart

as I travel throughout life.

-A.N.T.

"I deny myself everything I desire"

     I'm no expert nor a professional, but when it comes to dieting and weight loss, I stay clear. Even though it's part of my society, workplace, and everyday life. I'm happy with my size and shape that I've developed into as an healthy woman. I don't stop and stare at others and compare myself to the thin, wishing for the same. I embrace my womanhood. I embrace that every month "Aunt Flow" comes to visit me. She's a gift; a gift of life to me every month.

     "Part of disciplining the body is denial. We want but we dare not have. To lose weight or maintain our ideal bodies, we deny ourselves certain foods. We deny ourselves rest by working out. We deny ourselves peace of mind by remaining ever vigilant over our bodies. We withhold from ourselves until we achieve a goal and then we withhold from ourselves to maintain that goal. " 

     The key to my life is loving myself and my body. I respect it. I treat it with love as it does in return for me. When I'm hungry, I eat. Sometimes more than my body needs and sometimes less than what my body needs, but it's called body regulation. I trust in my body everyday. When I start to untrust myself and my body regulation, I take a step back and look into what's really going on in my life. 

     "Punishment is, in fact, one of the few things I allow myself."

      I lived that life of self-punishment. Where I blamed myself for all "the bad and evil" that happened to me. I trusted no one but my eating disorder (E.D.) I knew that my life was falling apart but I didn't care. I knew E.D. would protect me, so I thought. There was numerous times that I resorted to my "best friend" to guide me through the sea of waves of life. The adrenaline pumped when I had that false sense of a "high" in life. The feeling of being in control of things can be so deceiving when caught in a web of self-destruction. In the moment, it feels so good! The cycle can barely be broken at times. The blood rushes through your veins and you constantly seek the "high" to help numb you out. I'm escaping reality. I'm in turn ultimately continuously punishing myself from enjoying the enriches of life.

"I could not remember the last time I had allowed myself the simple pleasure of a painted fingernail."

     It was this very weekend that I pampered myself. I took the time with my girlfriend to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. I had let time pass by when I realized I had not "treated" myself to something pleasurable in a while. So, I got a pedicure. There's nothing better than getting my nails painted and my sore feet pampered. It felt great to acknowledge that I deserve and need self-pampering in my life too. So, today I move thru the maze of life with an head held high and proud. May today or this week you take the time to pamper yourself too. :)

**** Disclaimer ****

The following article can raise a lot of controversy and does deal with actual numbers. So please read at your own discretion.

Article that inspired today's blog entry

http://www.xojane.com/issues/my-body-is-wildly-undisciplined-and-i-deny-myself-nearly-everything-i-desire?wc=EAhuGwt+Ah0uABRuBwELCxcIUgoEFnA=

Stigma

What has kept me from sharing my road to recovery from everyone I meet? Part of it is the fear of being stigmatized for recovering from an Eating Disorder (E.D.) Ignorance can be bliss at times.

I remember it like yesterday. The feeling of being crazy and hopeless, barely escapes me. I was walking the halls of my own employment. I turned to talk to a doctor. In the back ground, I could not help but over hear other doctors talking loudly amongst themselves, "She's a patient of Dr. X. All her patients are crazy. They have no grip on life. I guess I will take her on." It was like a sucker punch to the gut at that moment. I am also a patient of Dr. X. I felt helpless and defenseless. I was recovery from an eating disorder and am I "crazy" too? The stigma of an eating disorder came to a screeching halt. The pre-judgement placed on this patient and Dr. X was unfair.

Hard Myths, Misconceptions, and Stigmas:
- It's a rich person disease.
- It's a woman's disease.
- Its all about body image, influenced by the media.
- It's a way to attention seek.
- It's a physical illness
- As long as a person is eating, they are recovered.
- Everyone with an eating disorder is anorexic.
- You'd know if someone had an eating disorder because they would be real thin.
- People with an eating disorder choose to have one and can "snap out of it."
- It's a diet and is primarily about food and weight.
- Recovery is impossible.

Today, I share this blog entry with the hopes to desensitize the stigma behind eating disorders. In turn, decrease the misconceptions, fears and myths about E.D. Again, I am not writing as a medical professional, but rather just your average woman, living life like any one of us. Please educate yourself before passing your judgements amongst society.

ALONE and ALIVE

(Written in 2004: Alone)

Alone

I've never experienced love.

I fear life and death, 

never knowing which is better.

The pain and suffering I've numbed

keeps catching up to me.

With not knowing where to turn

and what to say.

It's fear of life and death

that keeps me befuddled in clouds.

When ready to throw the towel,

and hit rock bottom,

fearing to live life of my own,

it's fear of death that stuns me.

To awake me to my present life. 

To feel my own breath and heart beating

as I ascend to the stars.

(Written in 2014: Alive)

Alive

I'm experiencing love.

I fear death, 

knowing it's inevitable.

The pain and suffering I'm dealing with

keeps me living life.

With not knowing where to turn

and what to say at times.

It's the thralls of E.D. (eating disorder)

that keeps me befuddled in the clouds.

With the towel, I wipe the beads of sweat from my face,

and climb up to the top.

Succeeding to live life on my own.

No longer does the thralls of E.D. stun me.

I'm alive and living my life. 

To feel my own breath and heart beating

as I ascend to the stars.

Medications

     I sat in my hospital bed curled up into a little ball. Scared! Afraid! I knew something was not right, but I had no idea what was going on with me. I refused to eat and take those little pills that they wanted to give me. I was dying inside and out. I had seeked out professional help, but I still refused to accept it at the time. It took me a very long time to trust the helping hands of the professionals.

     In the beginning, I was very resistant to medications on my road to recovery from an eating disorder (E.D.). "What are you giving me? No, I dont want your little pills. I want to face this on my own not with some little pill that will change or control me. You're all trying to kill me!"  I was very hesitant and resistant. I felt I was a guinea pig with all the medications. For me, it took letting go of control and accepting help from others. Hesitantly, I was able to let the professionals guide me through my recovery. Eventually and doubtfully, I was willing to take the medications.

     Throughout my road to recovery, I remained on medications. It wasn't an easy road to stay on course. I veered off several times with refusing and stopping my medications on my own. I would start to feel better, things were going well, and I would think I could do it on my own without medications. Then things would start to get out of control, a dark cloud hung over my head, and E.D. behaviors would start to emerge strongly. Deep down inside, I knew I needed them.

     Now, I take maintenance medications for my everyday life on my road to recovery. I still struggle everyday to take my medications. I don't necessarily like being on medications but I know from my own experiences that I need them. Someday, I hope to not have to take them, but I accept that I need them now.


***What works for some, may not work for others. I write this blog entry with my own experiences, not expertise advice.***