Angrily Putting Dressing on my Salad...

     At first, when I sought out recovery from an eating disorder (E.D.), I was angry at everyone that wanted to help me fight for a better life. I felt they were all against me and didn't understand me. In the beginning, my cognition was not coherent enough to be making rational decisions for my own well-being. As the refeeding process began at a treatment center/hospital, I began to accept help from others. My E.D. still fought me tooth and nail to not survive; I was angry.

     The emotion of anger manifested in my food. The less I ate, the more in control I felt of life's woes. So, while in a treatment center, I was angry at everyone. I thought they just wanted to "make me fat" and out of control. I felt angrily out of control. Food was my enemy, a poison to my delusional mind. I could not comprehend that everyone was trying to help and not harm me. Sometimes during recovery, I was angry at someone and myself for having an eating disorder. Sometimes, I'd get so mad that I became a victim and lost sight of the reality that I am a survivor. Part of my anger is accepting, letting go, and moving on in life's journey.

     Anger was always a scary emotion for me to healthily express. I always associated it with violence and out-of-control emotions. I usually stuffed my feelings, especially anger, to the point of explosion. Even to this day, I struggle with expressing my anger. I realize that the pot's vent must be vented, or it will burst. As I recovered, I learned that all emotions are healthy to express and release. Sometimes, my skin still boils with steam, but when that happens, I take a time-out and revisit the situation when my thoughts are collected, and I have cooled off. Anger is becoming a healthy emotion to express.

     The other day, I sat down to enjoy a delicious meal. I began to pour the salad dressing on my salad without a thought in the world stopping me. I enjoyed every morsel and each piece of the salad, savoring the many flavors that it contained. I enjoyed the entire meal that I was eating. I don't angrily put salad dressing on my salad anymore to help "get me fat." My expression of anger is not directed or ruled by food anymore. I happily want and savor all the nutrients. My anger is expressed in ways that center around emotions, not food. I am proud of my progress and the strides I've taken to understand my underlying feelings on my recovery journey. Thank you to all for helping me find myself and supporting me during this life process.

-A.N.T.

Freeing the Mind Behind the Mask

   
   
     Recently, I read an article in the February 2015 National Geographic magazine entitled "The Invisible War on the Brain." It discusses the effects of war on a soldier's brain and the changes that occur. It outlines how blast injuries to the brain change soldiers in ways many can't articulate. Also, the article discusses the use of art therapy that helps some cope and reveal themselves. Some soldiers revealed themselves through the painting of a mask. They depicted what they were like before the war and what they were like after the war. It was like a sense of articulation of the pain and suffering they are going through, it seemed:

National Geographic February 2015 Rebecca Hale (ALL)

     I was inspired by this article in many ways. It helped me realize that many people struggle with many different emotions and hide behind masks too. I felt inspired and impelled to share my mask behind an Eating Disorder (E.D.) through a collage instead of National Eating Disorder week:

May we all be true to ourselves today. 

Take your mask & free your mind today. Take the time to live every day.

Looking forward to the day, not tomorrow.

Be true to yourself today.

Live your life every day.

Loving the day.

Take your mask & free your mind today.

- A.N.T.     

Why I Decided To Share My Story

     I took that leap. The leap of faith that got me through the day. I knew I was not alone; I couldn't be. I knew that this could not be an internal struggle inside myself anymore. Despite the thoughts inside my head, I believed I was not alone. I hoped that sharing my story would help me and others too. 

     One of the most significant leaps in life was starting this blog and sharing my story. The more I became honest with myself, the more I realized I was not the only one struggling in life. Being alone and in deep despair can destroy one's soul. I began my blog in December of 2012, scared and alone, not knowing where to begin. As I began to type, my thoughts poured out onto the computer. I tried not to cast judgment on my entries, keeping the audience in mind. I began to believe I was not alone the more and more I shared my thoughts and struggles. Being honest about my battle with an eating disorder has helped me decrease my shame and guilt. The racing thoughts of self-destruction became less and less inside my mind.

     One of my passions in life is to try to find purpose and make it as meaningful as possible. I believe I am capable of becoming the person of being in life. While writing blog entries helps me on my road to recovery, I hope to make a difference in someone's life through my recovery process from an eating disorder. My blog relates to many internal struggles that anyone could be coping with in life. I try not to focus on the unhealthy coping mechanism of an Eating disorder. I try to focus on the emotions and the struggles of everyday life that I may encounter in the past, present, or future. 

     Sharing my story has helped me along my road of recovery and made me a healthier, braver woman. Thanks to all who support me during this process in life. I hope that sharing my story may help you or a loved one while helping myself. May we all find ourselves along the journey of life?!

- A.N.T.

Blaming Culture and Society?!?!

     Does the everyday life of a supermodel or a celebrity cause an eating disorder? What are your thoughts? Does society influence a certain person whose is susceptible to developing an eating disorder (E.D.) to progress into one? I once asked myself the same question, "Is an eating disorder the urge to be perfect or influenced by the media to develop?" As a person who struggles with everyday life and with an eating disorder, I say, "no!" So what does then cause an eating disorder you may ask? With each individual, it varies. There are several factors and not just one cause and event that causes an E.D.

    First, I digress on some facts that fit me. I don't find leisurely reading supermodel or paparazzi-type magazines such as, US or YM as a trigger for me. I do find solace in reading magazines like National Geographic and such. I embrace my body and my life for what it is. I don't look for reassurance in my size through certain magazines nor society. I understand that the younger youth may be influenced by their peers or their role models but I don't blame that ultimately. I tend to feel it has to do with emotional regulation and freedom of expression.

     An E.D. isn't about a certain size of a person. For me, it's about the lack of emotional freedom of expression. E.D. is an unrealistic sense of control in a life that's actually out of control. It's the delusional sense of control that leads to numbness and dissociative thoughts that 'feeds' an Eating disorder. I think that there were specific events that led to my eating disorder. I affirm that the major role in my life with an E.D., was the lack of emotional freedom and feeling of emotions. Those factors ultimately led to my eating disorder. Surprisingly, I felt validation and a sense of control when in the thralls of my eating disorder. An eating disorder made me feel numbed out to everyday life. It was an unconscious place to turn when things were disarray in my life.

    

     I have an urge to blame someone, something, an event, or a certain person that caused my E.D. I get angry and upset at times. But I just remind myself that I have the tools that I have learned throughout the years to not carry forth the deadly cycle. I have the tools to decide to survive or die. I have the tools to regret, remorse, or be free from it all. I have the power to live my everyday life free from E.D.

Sadness Flies Away on the Wings of Time:

     Nothing can explain the pain that is carried forth when faced with loss. Yes, death is ultimate. There is nothing left but the memories that we all hold onto. But what happens when a person is part of your life and no longer is in it? That person is gone. They are only a part of the past but still walks the streets of everyday life? How can that be? Why does life become so painful with a loss in life? I know that the worse feelings I feel now, shall pass too. However, in the moment it sucks.

     I feel so devastated to have learned that when I was faced with so many changes and medical scares in 2014, that it got worse. I learned that my therapist was leaving the practice and field forever. I thought I could hold it together. I thought it was all just part of the process in recovery. Then I said "NO! NO! NO! NO! It's not fair!" Yes, I even stomped my feet and pulled a temper tantrum at the age of thirty-four years old. At the time, I was amongst the silent four walls of my home. In the moment, there was nothing in the world that could have helped me mourn the loss of someone that had helped me through so much in my life.

     I met Martha over two years ago. I sat in her office with a chip on my shoulder, thinking this was just another person that wanted to "fix me." I was stubborn. I held my ground, but little did I know at the time that she was trying to help me. She genuinely cared about my past, present, and future; my well-being. I wasn't just a client nor a job to her. I felt. In the past, I have "opened-up" to one other therapist in all of the twelve years of recovery with an eating disorder. I struggled for a long time to trust Martha. I struggled to understand her "motive." I did not understand nor respect the fact that she genuinely cared about my well-being. I only had one other therapist that treated me with such respect and compassion. I am thankful for our work together. Martha has helped me get through so much in these past couple of years. She saw me through one of my darkest of times through the brightest of times. I have got nothing but honesty and trust in all our sessions. Every Friday, I dreaded every session. After every session, I would walk out of her office yelling to my partner "I'm cured." Martha always had a way with me. A way that made things so more manageable and understandable. The pain felt less and less every day.

     Now, I am faced with the reality that she is leaving. Suddenly, our time has come to an end. I am faced with a new future with a new therapist. Hopefully, the same chip that lingered on my shoulder at first with Martha, doesn't carry forth with tomorrow's future. I am sure that this will all pass too. I am sure that this too shall be yet another test of my strength in life; a learning experience. Maybe this is all an old chapter finished; a new chapter begun. Whatever this be a test of strength, give me the strength to get thru this gently.

     Gently, I wish for and hope that one can relate. I know I am not alone. I know I am not the only person that has lost someone in their life dear and near. Yes, it's part of treatment. Yes it's something that comes with the practice. But no matter what, this loss is one of my hardest. I know that I am not alone in this struggle. I reach out to fellow readers to recognize and possibly resonate with me. Thank you to all my readers and supporters during this transition.

Yours truly,
A.N.T.

From this day forward

 I will always ask myself:

"What would Martha say or do in this situation?"

Weight Standards

I'm 34 years old. I started my recovery from an Eating Disorder (E.D.) in the year of 2002. Practically 14 years later that same monster, called a scale, still affects me. No matter what number I am, I always feel triggered by getting on that "monster." It's an evil vortex in my mind.

Recently, I went to my Primary Care Provider (PCP) to get an annual physical. I always "face out" when I get one the scale so, I never know "the number." Despite "facing out." I never feel the same for the week. There are so many times I dictate my self-worth by a number. "Am I too fat? Am I not 'anorexic' enough? Maybe I'm not sick enough?" The mental demons succumb my mind and consume my everyday life. It's a cycle that is not easily broken.

I have to step back and ask myself, is there a magical number that I would be happy with at all? When I was my lowest of weight, I was not thin enough. When I am at my healthiest of weights, I am too fat. The answer is no! There is never a perfect number on the scale to E.D.!!! So, why is it that I self-consume myself around a number on a scale? Why is it that I dedicate my everyday thoughts for the week around the number I am? Maybe it's easier to focus on a number than to focus on the realities of everyday life. It's the struggle between reality and a number on the scale that keeps me feeling secure. I find solace in focusing on "how fat I am" rather than facing the woes of everyday life. I can wish to change my thoughts or do something about it such as reality checks. One technique I find helpful to me is:

STOP AND STEP BACK

DON'T ACT IMMEDIATELY or AUTOMATICALLY

PAUSE...

TAKE A BREATH
NOTICE YOUR BREATHE AS YOU BREATHE IN AND OUT

PICTURE THE STOP SIGN!

May we all find solace in our own bodies today!

-A.N.T.

Overwhelming feelings

If life was only this easy:

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody :)

-A.N.T.