ALONE and ALIVE

(Written in 2004: Alone)

Alone

I've never experienced love.

I fear life and death, 

never knowing which is better.

The pain and suffering I've numbed

keeps catching up to me.

With not knowing where to turn

and what to say.

It's fear of life and death

that keeps me befuddled in clouds.

When ready to throw the towel,

and hit rock bottom,

fearing to live life of my own,

it's fear of death that stuns me.

To awake me to my present life. 

To feel my own breath and heart beating

as I ascend to the stars.

(Written in 2014: Alive)

Alive

I'm experiencing love.

I fear death, 

knowing it's inevitable.

The pain and suffering I'm dealing with

keeps me living life.

With not knowing where to turn

and what to say at times.

It's the thralls of E.D. (eating disorder)

that keeps me befuddled in the clouds.

With the towel, I wipe the beads of sweat from my face,

and climb up to the top.

Succeeding to live life on my own.

No longer does the thralls of E.D. stun me.

I'm alive and living my life. 

To feel my own breath and heart beating

as I ascend to the stars.

Medications

     I sat in my hospital bed curled up into a little ball. Scared! Afraid! I knew something was not right, but I had no idea what was going on with me. I refused to eat and take those little pills that they wanted to give me. I was dying inside and out. I had seeked out professional help, but I still refused to accept it at the time. It took me a very long time to trust the helping hands of the professionals.

     In the beginning, I was very resistant to medications on my road to recovery from an eating disorder (E.D.). "What are you giving me? No, I dont want your little pills. I want to face this on my own not with some little pill that will change or control me. You're all trying to kill me!"  I was very hesitant and resistant. I felt I was a guinea pig with all the medications. For me, it took letting go of control and accepting help from others. Hesitantly, I was able to let the professionals guide me through my recovery. Eventually and doubtfully, I was willing to take the medications.

     Throughout my road to recovery, I remained on medications. It wasn't an easy road to stay on course. I veered off several times with refusing and stopping my medications on my own. I would start to feel better, things were going well, and I would think I could do it on my own without medications. Then things would start to get out of control, a dark cloud hung over my head, and E.D. behaviors would start to emerge strongly. Deep down inside, I knew I needed them.

     Now, I take maintenance medications for my everyday life on my road to recovery. I still struggle everyday to take my medications. I don't necessarily like being on medications but I know from my own experiences that I need them. Someday, I hope to not have to take them, but I accept that I need them now.


***What works for some, may not work for others. I write this blog entry with my own experiences, not expertise advice.***

Ultimate Goals: NOW

     It's February 25, 2014, close to 10 years later, that I reflect on my progress and current goals on my path of recovery from E.D. (eating disorder). It took me finding a contract dated May 05, 2004 to realize how far I have progressed on my road. I have realized that I'm much further along on my road to recovery than I ever imagined. 

     I take a moment to stop and acknowledge my strides I've taken on my road. I realized it's not about the number on the scale that dictates my life or recovery. Recovery meant challenging the voice of E.D and listening to the voice of Ariane. Acknowledging that the real work came after I was at a healthy weight was a true challenge. Below is a list of my current goals.

-A.N.T.

"May you all accept right where you are at in life now"

ULTIMATE GOAL:

Living Life

Goals:

1.    Stay focused on recovery and health.
2.    Living life to its fullest by being true to myself.
3.    Checking in with treatment team monthly.
4.    Go to therapy weekly.
5.    Trust my hunger cues and body regulation as a woman.
6.    Face my past and cope in healthy ways.

Support:

1.    Follow my hunger cues and body regulation as a woman.
2.    Talk about triggers and feelings in everyday life with therapist.
3.    Question E.D. with reality and others; give the insanity a voice.
4.    Call/Text a support about anything.
5.    Keep in touch with treatment providers.

Guidelines:

1.    Skipping of meds, results in more treatment.
2.    “Weighing self” and reflecting on “mirror images:” is self-destructive motto.
3.    Skipping appointments results in loss of treatment and decreased income.
4.    Continue working on nutritional goals. Loss of weight is terms for taking aggressive action

My current goals differ from ten years ago that's for sure.

Please refer to blog entry: ULTIMATE GOALS: THEN to compare and contrast.

Ultimate Goals: Then

     Recently, I was dusting off my milkcrate of E.D. (eating disorder) recovery tools and old journals that I saved throughout my years of recovery. I had stumbled across this piece of paper called my "Ultimate Goals":

   

     It was May 04, 2004 and I sat in my therapist's office. I reached over and handed over a piece of paper that I created for my future goals.  It was like a written contract between my treatment providers and I for my recovery. At the time, I had been on my road to recovery for approximately two years. The contract helped me stay focused on recovery and life throughout the earlier years.

     In the beginning years, E.D. was still playing a very strong role throughout my life. I look at my goals from ago and realize food, weight, and exercise was the focus of my goals. Mood monitors, meal planning,  food records, weekly weigh-ins, and extensive treatment amongst providers was a strong emphasis on my road to recovery at the time. My road has had several bumps along my path and my goals have changed throughout the years.

     It's now February 21, 2014, close to 10 years later, that I reflect on my progress and current goals on my path of recovery.  It took me finding this contract to realize how far I have come. I have realized that I'm much further along on my road to recovery. I take a moment to stop and acknowledge my strides I've taken on my road. My current goals differ from ten years ago that's for sure. May you all accept right where you are at in life now.

-A.N.T.

(Stay-tuned for Ultimate Goals: Now)

Achieve the Unachievable!

It may be a struggle

Upon that steep mountain

And even be hurtful.

Some of the hills will be unbearable

While some will remain easy.

But just remember its all achievable.

Times will come of denial

And full of hopelessness 

But keep trying because one is able.

Able to face defeat

And courageously continue on

You will over come with each feet.

Take the tools you know

And use them to guide you

While you ascend tiptoe.

It may all seem unbelievable

But you will journey along

To achieve the unachievable!

-A.N.T.

(Written on April 29, 2011)

Set-Backs

Faced with change. Faced with the fear of the unknown. It's one step forward, two steps backwards at times. How does one cope with illness, death, or any sudden change? Change can be good and bad, all at the same time. Change in the moment can be devastating and life altering.

How do I deal with change? There's an urge to revert back to my childhood/teenager ways, better known as E.D. (eating disorder), to help me cope.  I feel the need to gain a sense of control of the situation by restricting calories, jumping on a scale to help reinforce my self-disgust, and fixating my mind on food. The false sense of a high that I get from focusing on a number is unexplainable at times. In turn, my mind is numbed out from the reality of sudden change. Where do I end up, two-steps backwards, one step forward in life? How do I continue on the forward motion of a roller coaster of a ride through life? It's simple, right, "just eat?"

Well, it's never that simple for me, otherwise, this blog wouldn't exist. What has helped me through the dark days and keeps me focused on life?  I owe a lot of thanks to a lot of people but that's too come. It's a loaded question, "what has helped me?" Well,things have changed throughout my recovery with E.D. with several accomplishments and set-backs that have put me right where I am at in life now.

Several things have helped me throughout my road to recovery. In the beginning, after a year of in-patient treatment, I kept extensive daily food logs. I planned out every meal with a weekly meal plan. I had a very extensive, tight-knit network of treatment providers that included a psychotherapist, psychiatrist, primary care physician, nutritionist, and group-therapist. Having a network of providers and a strong support system of friends and family is pertinent to my recovery.

I can remember how the thought of food shopping was a panic-stricken ordeal to me. The thought of having to face all my fears, trust in my treatment providers, and let go of control was very frightening. Eventually it became a way of life, a non-frightening habit to me.

Journalling has been and still plays a major role in my recovery. Poetry writing and blogging came later in my recovery, which has become a very therapeutic outlet for me. The places I've gone, the accomplishments I've made, have all shaped me into the healthy-woman I strive to be every day.


-A.N.T.

Tangled Web

To be tangled in a web

lost amongst the stars

feeling my heart beating hard.

Fleeing from my past

running towards my future

leaving behind my present.

Turning towards hope

wishing for the best

believing in one's self.

Knowing life can be lived

free from a tangled web

willing to live life now.

-A.N.T.