Feeling High

I search for feeling high. I look under rocks and trash to find my fix. I go beyond the depths of earth to find it. I would feel high from my eating disorder and other unhealthy coping skills. The adrenaline would rush through my veins to my head. I would begin to feel numb, high as a kite.

Suddenly, I began to feel high again without my unhealthy coping skills. It was foreign territory. I woke up yesterday listening to the radio, laughing out loud at the conversation that was occurring  I walked into work with my head held high, smiling at every person that walked by me. I started to get report, while I was thinking of my day. I was excited to work; I felt high. I was ecstatic to see my patients and make a difference in their lives. My life got a glimpse of being high on life.

Today, I woke up and felt lost. I was wondering what I could do to fill my empty day. I thought of many things that would not match up with my path to recovery. Suddenly, I thought of something else such as the gym. I was not motivated to go to the gym. All I wanted to do was feel high right now. The struggle to put on my gym clothes was extremely challenging. I began to think of negative thoughts, "I am not in shape. I am not good enough to work out." Despite the negative thinking, I put my stinky shoes on and walked to the gym. I worked up a sweat. I felt amazing. I had that wonderful high in my veins pumping up to my brain. I had come to a point in my recovery that I could work out healthily.  I worked out for a set amount of time, despite wanting to go longer. I was proud of myself.

I was proud! I was at a turning point on my road to recovery. I was starting to enjoy the simple pleasure in my life again. I got glimpses of life on the other side of the darkness. I was able to laugh, play, work, sweat, and be present in reality. Today, I wish everyone a happy, fruitful day.


-A.N.T.

"I invent creative solutions to every problem."
-Amy Zerner and Monte Farber