A Change Will do you Good...

   
      I step into the shadow of my own grave with only hollowness to find. I lurk around, searching for answers to all of the questions. I find myself trapped with no where to turn but to myself. I am deserted and lost in the time of the world. I ponder. How do I get out of this hollow maze of life that I have found myself trapped inside? I have no where to turn but to my own self. I have lost what people call their soul. I am curled into a ball,vulnerable and afraid of the unknown to come. Then there's a glimmer of light that gleams into the hollowness. Suddenly, I realize that a change must happen before it's too late and I am permanently staring into a grave of emptiness.

     I have survived through the wrath of E.D. (Eating Disorder) to this day. Some days are easier on the bumpy road of recovery, while other's are a total bust. How did I get to this point in life where the hollowness of my grave turned into a ray of sunshine on my soul? One of my biggest triggers in life is change. A change in routine; a change in life for the better or the worse. It can be big or small to me, either way it can be life altering. I refelct on all the milestones I have overcome in my life, often wondering how did I survive through the hollow maze of my grave.

     Reluctantly, I reflect on one moment that did not serve me. The choices I made were reckless. But I do not need to elaborate on the details, except I know that I have learned from my mistakes. The best part of it all, I had the courage to walk away from it all. I found that my life was running in a direction that was down that hollowness grave. I was deteriorating again into the frail, vulnerable soul that I hid behind with E.D. I was not myself. Along the way, I was pulled back into that slippery slope, doubting my decisions from the serpent entangling me. Eventually, I made a courageous and brave change in my life.

     The change came and gone, but in the moment it was so life altering and eye-opening. I went from everything to almost nothing; I hit rock bottom. The best part of change is learning and respecting yourself through it all. It does not come easily, but with reassurance and guidance change can happen within your own soul. Take that step that you have been wanting to take and leap into your own happiness. Failure is a mistake not learned. Do not run from change; embrace it. Because as the song goes, "A Change Will do you Good." by Sheryl Crow.

- A.N.T.

Journey of a Nurse

     I stared at the body in front of me. I saw a woman that was my hero in my eyes; healing from a quadruple bypass surgery of her heart. I looked into the wounds that healed and offered her a hand to comfort her. I never knew at the time that action would mold me into who I am now. I remember it like it was yesterday, we were playing the card game 'GO FISH' in the living room, eating ice cream at the parlor, and throwing the trash down the trash chute in the hallway. We enjoyed each other's company. I learned a lot from such a frail, stoic woman; my Grammy.

     It was yesterday that I remember the comment from my Grammy as she stared into my big brown eyes, "you are going to be a nurse one day." Me being my independent, stubborn self, stated "no!" At the time, I had 'higher hopes' of a future for myself so, I thought. Little did I know, that I could be only so fortunate to have such a wonderful career in the nursing field. My Grammy's words always stuck in the back of my head while I discovered myself in my twenties. I dabbled in becoming a veterinarian, a doctor, and a physical therapist, but my true passion and love for a career came from the nursing field. I owe a lot of thanks to a lot people, but my Grammy's words always stuck with me through it all. She was the first person to believe in me and help guide me to success.

     Sometimes, I forget what it is like to walk in the shoes of the chronically ill, faced with death. I have my health that I take for granted at times. Everyday at work I put my nurse's uniform on and hope to make a difference in one's life. I give 110% day in and day out. There's nothing more rewarding than making that simple difference in someone's life. Let it be as simple as taking the time to walk a patient to the bathroom or as complex as performing compressions on a cardiac arrest patient that I preserve everyone's dignity. No matter the level of care, everyone is human and I thank my Grammy for teaching and guiding me.

     As I embark on a new journey as a nurse, I know my Grammy is looking down on me with pride. I leave one chapter completed and enter into another chapter of my life. I am filled with excitement, pride, and fear. I know that what I am about to embark on is a dream come true to me. May we all find a hero among ourselves everyday.

Hello, Can you Hear me?

     As the holidays have come and gone and the New Year has begun, I reflect on how I coped with the holidays. This year when I struggled with eating disorder (E.D.) behaviors, I turned to music as therapy to help guide me through the moment. Music can be a great tool to guide you through everyday life. It helps express and symbolize your emotions to a particular song that relates to you and life. I utilized a tool in my toolbox of skills. I have participated in several groups, one of my most effective groups for my recovery was music therapy.

     Technically what is music therapy? http://www.musictherapy.org/about/musictherapy
website helps explain music therapy in depth and provides resources too. But in a nutshell, a.k.a. my interpretation, it is a representation of your life and how a song relates to you. There is a component of symbolism. Music can be a representation of any emotion or experience that you are going through and touches you in an healthy manor. For example, I have chosen the song by ADELE, "HELLO" to contrast the thoughts and feelings I felt during the holidays. As you listen to the song what do the lyrics mean to you? How do you feel... sad, mad, happy, etc.

     The power of a song can ultimately be very emotional and inspirational. As I listen to Adele's song, I could relate in the sense that Adele's voice was E.D. trying to knock on my door and knock me off my road to recovery. But I've moved on with E.D. and refused to answer the call, despite E.D. trying to beg for my love and build upon my weaknesses, I prevailed on. Adele's last lyric states, "But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore." That line left me feeling recovery is stronger and better. When I heard the song and listened to Adele's CD during the holidays, I refused to let E.D. knock down my door. I turned to music to stay inspired and focused on my road to recovery. Here is my draft to how music therapy related to my E.D.:

May all of you have a fabulous 2016. 

Happy New Year!!!

- A.N.T.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

     
     The innocence and purity of a child versus the young teen's perspective of themselves, can be so different. What is it that changes the mind in such a way? Is there a specific moment? When does the care-free spirit of a child develop into a perfect, good-looking teenager? When was it that you took a different perspective of yourself; the reflection mattered in the mirror the most to you? Who or what were your influences in your teenage years?
   
     I can remember my life as a child as being carefree and free-spirited. I even believed money grew on trees and credit cards were instant cash for all purchases. Something changed. My thought process was different around the eighth grade for me. I lost a lot of people very dear to me including my Grammy, Pepere, and Uncle Leonard that year. Also, I started dabbling in the thought of becoming a woman and wanting to fit in with other peers. The reflection in the mirror started to talk back to me. I started to care about my looks and what I wore. I wanted to fit in.

    At the time, I played ice hockey on an all-girls team and I yearned to play on the boy's high school hockey team, but I cared what others might think of me such as, "you are a man, you are a tom boy" I lived in fear that I would be subjected to bullying in high school. Eventually, I stopped playing ice hockey for many reasons, one being the urge to be more feminine. I took up cross country and track and field. I found another sport that I could excel in and even be praised for my talent. My body and shape turned into a mirage; a strive for perfection. I lost sight of the joy of running. The image in the mirror was never good enough. Eventually, it dictated my self-worth.

     I began developing into a woman by my sophomore year of high school, aka puberty started. I did not know what was happening with my body or what it was going through in life. The changes to my body were so foreign. What I thought should be a good thing, turned into something that I hated. The mirror told me I was getting fatter, I was not pretty, and I was going to be slower as a runner. I strived for perfection and fought puberty with all my might. I did not understand that developing into a woman meant becoming a strong, healthy woman. I listened to the distorted reflection in the mirror.

     Peer pressure, puberty, media, sibling rivalry, and parental guidance all influenced my self-reflection in the mirror. Ultimately, I struggled with wanting to fit-in but also to be the very best I could be. I strived for perfection. My mindset changed within myself for the worst. The reflection in the mirror became my worst enemy and best friend, all at the same time. What I thought was a friend, ended up becoming a contributing factor to struggling with an eating disorder. My self-worth began to be dictated by a distortion in the mirror that I believed.

     Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all? What does your mirror say back to you? Do you talk back to the reflection while respecting yourself too? Understanding beauty comes with in and how you carry yourself is the only reflection that should matter to you. Understanding that no matter what age you are, our bodies are changing all the time. Media and society never should dictate our self-worth in everyday life. Embrace you. Be that care-free child and continue to love yourself in a nonjudgmental way because you are the fairest of them all.

Love yourself

     As I reflect on my life at the age of thirty-five years old, I wonder how I have learned to love myself along the way. I ask myself, "how can one love themselves' when there is so much more to love in others?" Well, I've learned along the way, through the guidance of my parents, that it is important to love yourself first. It can be a hard concept to grasp for a selfless person, but I as I walk in my own shadow, I trust and love myself for all of me.

     It took a lot of time and practice to finally love myself for all of me. Actually, I am still in practice to be honest. As a nurse, I put other needs first and care for many people in their worst of moments. So, how do I balance loving myself too? Well, I love my career and helping others. I feel blessed to be able to love and do what I love to do, which is help others. But there is a balance. In order to be able to care and love for others, I had to learn to love myself for all of me, including my imperfections.

     Loving yourself doesn't mean being self-centered. There is a major difference between the two. Self-centered is expecting others to treat oneself as special, but does not return the favor. There's a lack of insight into their own behavior, and consequently relationships are empty and incomplete. People who have developed a sense of self-love value themselves in full, including their imperfections. They learn from their mistakes and utilize non-judgemental efforts to honor their own voice.

     I give you all permission to love yourself everyday. Have compassion for others by being compassionate with yourself. Forgive others by forgiving yourself. Trust in yourself and love who you are in every aspect of your life. So put your arms around yourself and give yourself a big hug. You deserve it.

-A.N.T.

A Letter to my 9-Year Old Self

Dear Younger Self,

I am writing to you to tell you that no matter what you do or say, you are perfect just the way you are. You may make some mistakes along the way but you will learn from all of them. No matter what one says or does, it won't make or break you. You are an amazing person and are making a difference in life. Please take all these words of advice that I've learned along the years:

Don't be so hard on yourself... breathe! Everything will work out.
Enjoy every second you got.
Fight for what you believe in.
You are not a failure.
No one can take away your innocence.
You are perfect just the way you are.
Your self-esteem is not based on how cool you are, rather how you feel about yourself.
Cherish every part of yourself including your own personality and uniqueness.
What you see in the mirror or read on the scale, should never dictate your day.
Be yourself always.
You can be anything you want to be; your heart is big and welcomes all.
You are healthy and strong - pimples and 'flaws' are part of the growing pains that are normal.
You don't need to belong to a click, to make you feel you belong in life.

Sincerely,
Older Me

This is a video that has inspired me to write words of wisdom to myself. I saw this video at a Massachusetts General Hospital (MGH) seminar about Eating Disorders.I had to share this because it has inspired me. May this inspire all of you:

Barriers to Treatment

     Lately, I have been hearing about a wide-spread media coverage on the heroin crisis. I often ask myself, how and why it's so hard to recover. What are the barriers to treatment? From a first person perspective, one whom has been in recovery with an Eating Disorder, there are so many reasons that can be close to impossible at times. There are so many internal and external barriers to treatment.

     One of the biggest internal barriers to treatment is the readiness and the ability to seek help. It takes a lot of courage to admit that what may have been working at one time, is no longer working anymore. Sometimes it can feel like a sense of defeat; a sign of weakness. But in actuality, the opposite is true! It takes strength, bravery, and courage to admit something has to change before it's too late. Realizing this can be very hard and can be a different way of thinking for someone struggling so much.

     Often, when people suffer with the notion of seeking help, they have burned a lot of bridges. We can be such master manipulators when we are in the thralls of our disease. We tell people what they want to hear but do the complete opposite. We burn bridges that have been built once with trust. We often struggle with the ability to keep close, real friendships and often don't trust anyone. A very key component to recovery is a strong support system. Building healthy relationships again can be so hard, but it's a very important part of treatment.

     Once, one is faced with needing or wanting to seek help, the availability of treatment facilities can be non-existent. They are stressed to the maximum and there are waiting lists too. Then you are faced with another external barrier such as INSURANCE. One may or may not have insurance, which leads to the ability to pay. Insurance companies dictate your length of stay, often leaving people to be discharged to soon. People may be sober,"not-using" or eating healthy at time of discharge but the skills to recover are non-existent when thrown back to the same environment. A tight network of supports, treatment providers, and will-power is needed before discharge. Often, people don't get that in a few days stay. People are discharged way to soon once they are "stabilized." often there are not enough skills in place to help one fight the battle. The comfort zone is still strong and leads to a false sense of failure.

     Does it sound impossible to recover at times? The internal and external barriers seem overwhelmingly high, but the answer is no. The revolving door syndrome may happen multiple times during your recovery where you go in and out of facilities and treatments, but it is always a forward motion. Recovery is two steps forward and one step backwards. Having patience, understanding, and knowing relapse happens can be key to recovery. I never recovered in one stay in a hospital. The battle is every day and can seem like failure to others. Educating yourself and understanding the course of recovery can be very helpful to one who is struggling.

     May it be a heroin crisis or any addiction, loved ones need to take the time to educate him or herself and have lots of patience, Sometimes, tough love is needed while other times it is not. Open your hands and heart to realize that it's a process. Tragically it all can end in death. For those of you struggling, please know you are not alone. Recovery is possible.

Often life seems impossible

even when it's possible.

Know you are not alone

even when you feel lost.

Take the time to listen

and follow your heart.

-A.N.T.