Addiction

     Beads of sweat drip down my face. My blood is pumping a mile a minute. The adrenaline is flooding my veins while the wind is flying through my strands of hair. My legs are flying practically off the ground as the sound of the gun lurks in the distance. I speed around the white-striped, black tar as I finish the race in first place. As always, I feel I could have done better; gone faster. In the end, it was that drive that kept me pushing through life.

     It became my drug, running. The surge of adrenaline I felt, the utter numbness through life morphed my teenage life. Nothing can explain the feeling of control I felt when I ran. The emotions in life that I encountered, the faster I ran. I adapted to expressing my emotions through the ability to run. I felt untouchable. The fastest rocket through the streets of my youth. The utter high I felt when I raced through the streets and around the track was seductively deadly. I had felt like I was in control of my life. Running became my inner journal, as my mind whirled with thoughts as I ran.

     I can remember in the darker days of running that it became my drug. Every waking hour was spent wondering when I could get my next fix, run that is. I became self-consumed with being faster and better. I was at the peak of my running and wanted to go to college to run. My educational dreams fell at the waste side as I sought out the ability to continue to run in college. I was slowly killing myself to my dismay. A "healthy" outlet for me developed into a dangerous, deadly web of deceit.

     Food and running became an unhealthy relationship. The less I ate, the faster I thought I could run. Food was fat not fuel to me. The sheer terror of eating became stronger and stronger. I did not allow myself nourishment. In order to justify eating, I had to make sure and run that day. It became a deadly cycle to my mind, body, and soul. I was an exception to all the rules. I felt I did not deserve food, nor could justify eating without some sort of reward, such as running. I felt even in more control when I was barely eating and running. I was "high on life" during the beginning years of my seductive cycle. I felt more in control than ever, despite the reality that I was slowly killing myself. All I wanted to do was run and feel free. The false sense of control I felt, was in reality, out of control.

     The cycle continued into my twenties. I was "fooling" everyone, so I thought. I felt untouchable. All I thought about was running and "how fat I was." I did not let anything bother me. I was numbed out to reality. I was running from my past, zooming though my present, and seductively destroying my future life. In the beginning, I felt on top of the world. As I continued living this seductive cycle, I became more brittle and fragile, the opposite effect I was trying to achieve. I was addicted to running and restricting food. I became more and more tired. I was weak. The opposite effect I was trying to achieve in life.

     My downward spiral was out of control, but I was hooked. When I entered that revolving door in 2002 with my struggle with an eating disorder, I never thought that running would play a role with my eating disorder. What I thought was a "healthy outlet" was actually a deadly drug in my life. Despite all the professionals' advice, it took several self-realizations to hang-up my running shoes, but I finally did.

     Now, I realize that running was like a drug to me. I can't just dabble in running just a little bit. I find that a leisure jog, turns into a seductive cycle within my innerself. I realize that I don't need to run to justify eating. I find other pleasures that are healthy to help me cope in life.  I enjoy the simple pleasures in life more than ever. I cherish, respect, and nourish my body. It's that same drive that I used for running, I apply to my everyday life.

"Every day I tell myself that I am worthy of food to fuel and nourish my body."

Yours Truly,
A.N.T.

   

   

Suicide Prevention

     I remember it like it was only yesterday. I hit my alarm on my night stand. I prepare for a new day but the dark cloud lurks over me. I'm in a state of shock where my limbs seem to not want to move. The pit in my stomach has developed into a deep despair. My mind has spun out of control and now I am numbed out to reality. I feel like a helpless fly stuck in a spider's web. I am struggling to survive. I just want it all to end. I want the pain and suffering to go away. I want to wake up tomorrow, and feel like I was given the choice to live my present day life not my past. I search for the light, I reach for the phone but the strength to dial for help slips my fingers. I am left with a choice; a choice to live or to die?

     I have struggled endless times with not just an eating disorder but also depression. It feels like a deep despair lurking in my inner soul. In recent news, the media has covered the success of a recent actor, Robin Williams. To my dismay, we lost a great person to mental illness. I want to celebrate his life, but I feel the urge to do differently. I want to bring awareness to the severity, the pain, the ultimate loss of life among others and oneself to any form of mental illness, especially depression.

     Suicide holds a certain stigma and several different reactions arise among society. Sometimes it's anger we feel. Sometimes it's the thought of utter selfishness that lingers over our head. Either way, the fact of the matter is suicide and depression are real, serious issues. On one side, I want to mourn a death of a great person that gave the world such joy and humor. On the other side, I also want to bring awareness to mental illness. You or someone you may know, may struggle with great despair and a sense of hopelessness. I can only offer how and what worked for me in times of hopelessness.

     An important piece of depression, is sometimes there are blatant signs that one is struggling in life. However, more times than none, suicide can be a silent killer within oneself. I am the type that is the silent killer; the clown with the tears falling down one's cheeks. Silently, I struggled with deep despair and a sense of loss of hope throughout life. However, I learned how to seek help when I was in my darkest of dark days. I often found helpfulness in a consistent medication regimen, having a treatment team, and knowing where to turn for help. I knew my local hospital had a "safe zone" to go too where I could sit and just be. I wouldn't have to answer any questions. I had a list of five numbers of people that served as my emergency contacts... friends, family, therapist, etc. I knew local anonymous hotlines to call when I was struggling. I found that I was not alone and had to trust those dear to me.

     Don't get me wrong, it took courage and hope to get help. In the darkest of moments you can feel so alone when you truly are not alone. Once, I started to be true to my struggles, I realized I was not alone. Yes, it took plenty of admissions into hospitals. I often felt like it was all a never-ending "revolving door" at times. I often asked myself when would it all end, the struggle. Yes. It took several ups and down and lots of treatment, but I just always remembered that I would not lose HOPE in myself.

Whether you are a public figure or a private person, we all can bring awareness to the struggle.

If you or a loved one needs an anonymous hotline, Please Call:

National Suicide Prevention Hotline:
1-800-273-8255

-A.N.T.

Life of a Caterpillar!

     I can remember life as a vulnerable, little, hopeless girl so easily. The memories flood my brain like it was yesterday, keeping me stuck in a cocoon. However, the past memories can be so foggy at times too. The pain and suffering was carried with me throughout my daily life. The feeling of hopelessness and deep despair took over my body. I was a caterpillar at the time. I was losing hope; afraid of becoming a butterfly.

     I never wanted to die or end my life forever. But there were dark times that I wanted to numb out till defeat. An Eating Disorder (E.D.) was no longer providing the numbness that I tried so hard to console myself with in life. I was searching for relief in all the wrong places. It seemed easier to run away from the reality of all the truths. I was afraid, afraid of becoming a butterfly.

"It takes a million steps to reach failure, but only one-step forward to start to succeed." -A.N.T.

Stick-it to the Man!?!?!

    Today, I wake-up next to my beautiful, wonderful girlfriend that has taught me what true love means in the world of life. Everyday, I thank my lucky stars for the gift of love and life that I have been granted. But as the day progresses, our days part. She's off to work now and I'm left alone to my brain. I find myself thinking a lot about my past, future, and present. I'm left to the challenge. In the past, I have looked through a sliver of light. I thought I knew what life and love meant in the world. I was wrong. I am learning that I have to face the present day life as it comes surging forward in front of me. I feel helpless at times and find the urge to turn towards E.D. (Eating Disorder) to find solace.

     A wise person recently just told me, "things come to those that deserve the things that they have done. What goes around comes around." As my mind races, I think long and hard of my vulnerabilities and the passive approach to life I've took in the past. I've learned the hard way. I've learned to live life to it's fullest and to accept what has happened to me with a grain of salt at times. I've learned that the endless cycle of endless hope provided by E.D. will get me know where but deeper into the dark hole of life. It's a seductive cycle that ends not in happiness, but death (statistics). If solace is what I seek, then I look right in front of me among the gift of life and love from others.

     Even though things had seemed unattainable, things began to become attainable to me again. The fear of moving above and beyond to the unknown kept me stuck in a rut. Now, I am trudging through so much since last year at this time. Thus far, I have amazed myself. I feel and look healthier as a woman. For starters, E.D. doesn't rule my life everyday. I've learned to love myself unconditionally and accept where I am at in life at this very moment. I've learned how to pick myself up after hitting rock bottom from deceit, lies, and suffering. I've learned how to say, "NO" and be okay with my decisions. I've learned how to turn my finances around and discover what true-love truly means. I've learned to listen and trust in myself more and more everyday. I am finding solace in life without E.D.

-A.N.T.

GRATITUDE

     I sit in my room today and I ponder on life. I look back into the past and into the future. I forget about the present day life. I have to stop myself and think how I got to where I am at in life now. Do I go down the lane of self-sacrifice or self-hopefulness? I don't know. I am at a stand still. I feel the past creeping in on me more and more everyday as I reach for the future. I get trampled down by the past choices I've made and actions that occurred. It's like quicksand to me at times. The struggle to get to the top of the pit;  too only get deeper into the depths of the sand.

     I start to remain calm. I take a deep breath, and grasp onto the helping hands to pull me out of the quicksand. I rely on myself a lot and expect a lot from myself, but I am realizing that the hand of hope and help of others can be less self-sacrificing.

     Some days are darker than others for me lately. Despite the hands of hope and help that fill my everyday life, it's like a sad pity party at times (this is when I begin to chuckle about life). "Pity parties" are the best? They are an evil vortex that can spin uncontrollably out of control throughout the thralls of life. They lead you to more sadness and the denial of everyday life. You are left feeling more helpless and incapacitated than you hoped for after the "pity-party." But how do you spin out of it all? Do you give in to self-sacrifice or trudge on to self-hopefulness?

     I have a lot of anger from the past but I refuse to remain stuck in the quicksand of life. I could elaborate more on my anger, but that truly would get me nowhere except right where I started in the first place. So, I digress with all the gratitude I have now from surviving the pit of quicksand.

I owe you all thanks.

I can't help to think 

that you are all in my heart

as I travel throughout life.

-A.N.T.

"I deny myself everything I desire"

     I'm no expert nor a professional, but when it comes to dieting and weight loss, I stay clear. Even though it's part of my society, workplace, and everyday life. I'm happy with my size and shape that I've developed into as an healthy woman. I don't stop and stare at others and compare myself to the thin, wishing for the same. I embrace my womanhood. I embrace that every month "Aunt Flow" comes to visit me. She's a gift; a gift of life to me every month.

     "Part of disciplining the body is denial. We want but we dare not have. To lose weight or maintain our ideal bodies, we deny ourselves certain foods. We deny ourselves rest by working out. We deny ourselves peace of mind by remaining ever vigilant over our bodies. We withhold from ourselves until we achieve a goal and then we withhold from ourselves to maintain that goal. " 

     The key to my life is loving myself and my body. I respect it. I treat it with love as it does in return for me. When I'm hungry, I eat. Sometimes more than my body needs and sometimes less than what my body needs, but it's called body regulation. I trust in my body everyday. When I start to untrust myself and my body regulation, I take a step back and look into what's really going on in my life. 

     "Punishment is, in fact, one of the few things I allow myself."

      I lived that life of self-punishment. Where I blamed myself for all "the bad and evil" that happened to me. I trusted no one but my eating disorder (E.D.) I knew that my life was falling apart but I didn't care. I knew E.D. would protect me, so I thought. There was numerous times that I resorted to my "best friend" to guide me through the sea of waves of life. The adrenaline pumped when I had that false sense of a "high" in life. The feeling of being in control of things can be so deceiving when caught in a web of self-destruction. In the moment, it feels so good! The cycle can barely be broken at times. The blood rushes through your veins and you constantly seek the "high" to help numb you out. I'm escaping reality. I'm in turn ultimately continuously punishing myself from enjoying the enriches of life.

"I could not remember the last time I had allowed myself the simple pleasure of a painted fingernail."

     It was this very weekend that I pampered myself. I took the time with my girlfriend to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. I had let time pass by when I realized I had not "treated" myself to something pleasurable in a while. So, I got a pedicure. There's nothing better than getting my nails painted and my sore feet pampered. It felt great to acknowledge that I deserve and need self-pampering in my life too. So, today I move thru the maze of life with an head held high and proud. May today or this week you take the time to pamper yourself too. :)

**** Disclaimer ****

The following article can raise a lot of controversy and does deal with actual numbers. So please read at your own discretion.

Article that inspired today's blog entry

http://www.xojane.com/issues/my-body-is-wildly-undisciplined-and-i-deny-myself-nearly-everything-i-desire?wc=EAhuGwt+Ah0uABRuBwELCxcIUgoEFnA=

Stigma

What has kept me from sharing my road to recovery from everyone I meet? Part of it is the fear of being stigmatized for recovering from an Eating Disorder (E.D.) Ignorance can be bliss at times.

I remember it like yesterday. The feeling of being crazy and hopeless, barely escapes me. I was walking the halls of my own employment. I turned to talk to a doctor. In the back ground, I could not help but over hear other doctors talking loudly amongst themselves, "She's a patient of Dr. X. All her patients are crazy. They have no grip on life. I guess I will take her on." It was like a sucker punch to the gut at that moment. I am also a patient of Dr. X. I felt helpless and defenseless. I was recovery from an eating disorder and am I "crazy" too? The stigma of an eating disorder came to a screeching halt. The pre-judgement placed on this patient and Dr. X was unfair.

Hard Myths, Misconceptions, and Stigmas:
- It's a rich person disease.
- It's a woman's disease.
- Its all about body image, influenced by the media.
- It's a way to attention seek.
- It's a physical illness
- As long as a person is eating, they are recovered.
- Everyone with an eating disorder is anorexic.
- You'd know if someone had an eating disorder because they would be real thin.
- People with an eating disorder choose to have one and can "snap out of it."
- It's a diet and is primarily about food and weight.
- Recovery is impossible.

Today, I share this blog entry with the hopes to desensitize the stigma behind eating disorders. In turn, decrease the misconceptions, fears and myths about E.D. Again, I am not writing as a medical professional, but rather just your average woman, living life like any one of us. Please educate yourself before passing your judgements amongst society.