Gaining: Healthy Weight

     It was over ten years ago that the refeeding process started. I had entered into a new world that day, knowing something was not quite right. I had no clue it was an eating disorder that was killing me. I was scared and afraid of my present and future life. I sat in the hospital with a feeding tube down my nose, feeding me nutrients. At the time, I was confused and a lost soul trying to discover myself. The gaining process had begun to get me to a safe weight so, that I could be mentally and cognitively present and accept treatment for an eating disorder (E.D.).

     One of the hardest things was trusting my providers and letting go of control. At the time, I thought everyone was out to get me fat. It never occurred to me that they were on my side until later in my treatment. I remember eating ALL the time and questioning every move. The days I refused to eat a meal, I was given supplements such as Boost. E.D. was in control of me and fighting back hard to not survive. There was a small part of me that was fighting against E.D. and wanting a different life.

     It took me a very long time to get to a set weight .Part of my treatment was daily "weigh-ins" first thing in the morning. I would face-out from the scale and numbers. We never knew what we weighed during treatment at intensive care places. Till this day, I still face-out for my weigh-ins at my PCP's office. It is rather triggering to know my weight while I still fight to recover.

     Part of the gaining process, a momentous moment in my life happened. I was able to get my menstrual cycle back. I was around the age of twenty-seven. It was so scary to know my body was becoming healthy, but also such a proud moment. I have reached a hurdle, a milestone on my road to recovery. The "gaining" process was almost complete and was starting to turn into the maintenance phase.

     Now, I am at a healthy weight but still struggle with maintaining. I struggle everyday with eating three meals a day and trusting my body's regulation. I am restarting to see a nutritionist for my best interest and to help me progress with recovery. My little voice has turned into a monstrous yell. E.D. is becoming my little voice currently.


-A.N.T.

“It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop.”

— Wisdom of Confucius