Childhood dreams

Are you currently living the life that you dreamed about as a child? If not what are the excuses and yes-buts that are standing in the way? How did you get to where you are at now? What sacrifices and choices did you make?

As a child, I dreamed of a lot of different career paths that I wanted to pursue. I remember my first toy stethoscope and the urge to be a doctor or veterinarian at such a young age. My dreams did not stop there. I had a very imaginative mind growing up. During my younger years, I wanted to be the first female pro-hockey player, garbage woman, house wife with twelve children, free-lance "bum" in California and physical therapist. The last dream was to work in the medical field, which led me to the place I am at now.

What were the barriers to fulfilling my dreams. How did I end up where I am now?  Going back to school, the third time around to become who I am now, was not easy. There were the fears of not succeeding, affordability, my battle with anorexia, and what if I could not take the pressure and had to drop out again? Well, I became a registered nurse, despite the barriers. The barriers and sacrifices I over came to get to where I am at now did not compare to the total gratification. It is so monumental and more significant than I could ever imagine.

Achieving my goals and reaching success, took a great amount of commitment. Commitment to me means getting up when you are down  and facing barriers you encounter on your journey. Making a change can be risky.Taking no risk at all, means nothing will change. The "You Go Girl" motto, adopted from my high school track coach, helped me stay on track. So think back and try to find your childhood voice. Pursue your dreams.

-A.N.T.

Gaining: Healthy Weight

     It was over ten years ago that the refeeding process started. I had entered into a new world that day, knowing something was not quite right. I had no clue it was an eating disorder that was killing me. I was scared and afraid of my present and future life. I sat in the hospital with a feeding tube down my nose, feeding me nutrients. At the time, I was confused and a lost soul trying to discover myself. The gaining process had begun to get me to a safe weight so, that I could be mentally and cognitively present and accept treatment for an eating disorder (E.D.).

     One of the hardest things was trusting my providers and letting go of control. At the time, I thought everyone was out to get me fat. It never occurred to me that they were on my side until later in my treatment. I remember eating ALL the time and questioning every move. The days I refused to eat a meal, I was given supplements such as Boost. E.D. was in control of me and fighting back hard to not survive. There was a small part of me that was fighting against E.D. and wanting a different life.

     It took me a very long time to get to a set weight .Part of my treatment was daily "weigh-ins" first thing in the morning. I would face-out from the scale and numbers. We never knew what we weighed during treatment at intensive care places. Till this day, I still face-out for my weigh-ins at my PCP's office. It is rather triggering to know my weight while I still fight to recover.

     Part of the gaining process, a momentous moment in my life happened. I was able to get my menstrual cycle back. I was around the age of twenty-seven. It was so scary to know my body was becoming healthy, but also such a proud moment. I have reached a hurdle, a milestone on my road to recovery. The "gaining" process was almost complete and was starting to turn into the maintenance phase.

     Now, I am at a healthy weight but still struggle with maintaining. I struggle everyday with eating three meals a day and trusting my body's regulation. I am restarting to see a nutritionist for my best interest and to help me progress with recovery. My little voice has turned into a monstrous yell. E.D. is becoming my little voice currently.


-A.N.T.

“It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop.”

— Wisdom of Confucius

My Eulogy...

Each minute I spend weighing myself, counting calories, restricting, abusing substances, or excessively exercising is a minute away from doing what really matters most to me.  How do I want people to remember me? What would I like people to say about me? What matters most in life? What inscription would I want on my epitaph? What would I want my life to stand for? When it comes down to it, no matter how perfect my body is, my body will decay when it dies.

At the least, I would want people to say that I was a loving, caring, and an outgoing women who never gave up. I want glorious stories told about me not battle scars around my heart. I do not want to be remembered as a lifeless-corpse, losing the battle to E.D.  My inscription to my epitaph would read: here lies the strongest, most courageous, woman who would not lose the fight. No where in there would there be a mention of or inscription that read deceased from E.D.

-A.N.T.

***Disclaimer: this entry is not meant to be depressing or morbid but to be uplifting. A moment to take a real look at my life and how I want to truly live it. May you take a moment to reflect too.***

The River Called De-Nile:

Does anyone ever float around in the river of De-NIAL? Have you ever lost so much air in your float that you must stop and blow it up again? Have you ever lost all your breath when blowing up that you need assistance to finish? Do you remain floating, treading water, sinking, or getting out? How do you handle the situation? If in recovery, what would you do with your float? Do you remain stuck or seek help? On the road to recovery, it can seem like two steps forward and one step backward at times.

I often wonder if I have a crisis plan for my one step backward. Knowing my triggers can help me gain insight before I end up back. I find it essential to make a list of some stressful situations that could possibly trigger a crisis for me. It is crucial to know my feelings and emotions while I experience them during a crisis. Recently, I received a particular poem from a friend that was very helpful and pertinent to this topic:

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in. I am lost and helpless. 

It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again; I can't believe I am in the same place.

But it isn't my fault. It takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there...

I still fall in...it's a habit...but,

My eyes are open. I know where I am.

It is my fault; I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

-Unknown Author

-A.N.T.

Life without ED?

Do you often wonder what your life would be like without unhealthy coping skills? I often wonder what my life would be without E.D. How would ours be different if we weren't consumed by the endless battle? What would your life be without your clutch?

The life I could imagine without E.D. is nearly impossible, but if I think long and hard, something comes up. My life wouldn't be consumed with thoughts of being fat. I would be able to enjoy the simple pleasures in life more. I would be more present instead of worrying about my past and future. I would not be such a perfectionist and wouldn't be tempted or haunted by mirrors or scales. My life wouldn't be revolved around food. The what and when I am going to eat my next meal wouldn't be there constantly. My life would not revolve around my clutch.

I often think about what I would do with all my extra time if E.D. wasn't engulfing me. I have to think long and hard to answer this question because the sick side of me says it is perfect the way it is. I am only fooling myself. First, I would have to address my past trauma and then live in the here and now. I could be more present in conversations, activities, and everyday life in the here and now. I would feel my emotions and be able to tolerate them better. The endless battle would not be there. I am not saying life would be perfect without E.D., but it would be a lot more lucid. I would not be consumed by an endless battle.

I think about my life and wonder what other doors would be open. What values would be more divergent? My family, friends, health, career, and memory would be different. Eventually, I want my own children in my life someday. I would love to nurture them and watch them grow up. Before I do that, I need to be recovered, freed from E.D. Each day seems less and less like a struggle. I believe that "I can do it," just like you. Do not give up on yourself, as I shall not either.

-A.N.T.

Everyone Can Paint!

Does anyone feel the urge to paint or draw something but says, "I'm not good at it?"  Well put your ego, critic, and judgement in a drawer and lock it. Creativity is having illumination and making mistakes too. Be kind to yourself and allow your inner visions to be in color! Make sure you don't take life too seriously. It's not permanent! 

Recently, I was in an art therapy class which I was very hesitant about. I thought to myself,  "I can't draw for beans." The theme was to draw something that inspires you. I was like great. How am I going to even begin to draw that? Well, I thought long and hard, and grabbed a yellow crayon. I began to but my ego, critic, and judgement in a locked drawer. I ended up drawing a big sun. It represented light in my recovery and inspiration to me. I found the giant sun very calming and relaxing. I ended up drawing something very meaningful to me. I now know I can draw anything my imagination wants too.

All you need is a paper and pencil to let your imagination wander. If you have the resources, finger paints are a must have. Start with a line and develop a non-judgmental drawing or doodle, adding color if you can. If you find yourself stuck, seek out inspiration from your surroundings and your favorite magazines. Let your imagination be free. 

-A.N.T.

"Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you are going to do now and do it." -William Durant

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