Full Circle in Life

     I walk down the dark corridor, where my skeleton hides. I look around waiting to find the answer to all my questions. I have returned to what I call the dark place of my past. Never in a million years did I think I would be standing in the very same place that I embarked on a life saving journey in 2002. Approximately fifteen years later, I stand on the other side of the door. This time, I use my own employee badge to get in and out of the facility. As I swipe my badge, my heart begins to beat faster. The sweat begins to form on my brow. My heart is racing now. I proceed with hesitance. I remind myself  that I'm embarking on the right path, even if it is the path of the unknown.


     Some may wonder and even ask, is this the right choice? Are you going to be triggered and return to unhealthy coping skills? To say the least, I have openly discussed with my treatment providers and those near and dear to me about my choices and possible triggers. I feel that this is a positive step into my future. So far, I have coped with sadness, guilt, and internal struggles of self loathing when faced with my past. The biggest trigger is knowing that I treated my body in sch a destructive way. If anything, I am motivated to never look back at an eating disorder (E.D.) and take that leap of faith into a positive direction. I have the courage to face my internal demons; to stare them down and conquer my new journey in life. Hence, facing the fork in the road and taking a turn into the unknown, where fear itself hides.


     I have made a full circle in life. I have decided to give back to all those that have helped me along the way. First hand, I can relate with addictions, disease, and emotional distress. I have clinical and personal experiences to offer those that struggle with change. I can relate to those that are in need in a professional manner. I can do this. I am ready. I am an advocate for the scared soul to speak. I am an advocate for those that need the guidance. I am me. I vow to be the best advocate I can be.


I am no longer that scared, vulnerable little caterpillar anymore hiding behind E.D. Instead, I am a courageous butterfly that spreads my wings and flies away into the sunlight. May you all find your inner beauty and fly away into your own journey in life. Believe in yourself.

I Have a Secret to the Game of Life.

     I look in the mirror thinking this cannot be me. How did I get to this point in my life where fear takes over my soul? I'm a strong person! I'm a strong person! I am a strong person! The broken record spins around in my head but my body feels differently. I've tried meditation, therapy, positive affirmations, and every skill I learned along the way to pull me through this time in my life. The internal struggle was real. I couldn't calm my nerves. I thought I could conquer this part of my life and become the next top-notch operating room nurse. I was on top of the world, right?

     It all came crumbling down when I realized I was actually the opposite of happy. When I look back at it all, I took a chance. I left one career to pursue another, but I ended up more confused of the reflection in the mirror than ever. I had a secret. I was holding the secret inside my soul for a while. I was afraid what everyone else would think of me or worse; what I thought of myself. I thought I was letting everyone down, including myself. I was stuffing the truth inside my soul.

     I was scared of letting go. I knew that change scared me. I was not wanting to admit to what everyone calls "failure." I took a risk. I thought I failed in the moment and I was very devastated. I was given an ultimatum and I took it. I agree it was not for me and I knew that this is how I did not want to spend the rest of my life. The only thing that I wanted to turn to was the comfort of my eating disorder. I wanted to numb the pain away. I wanted to be "in control" of my life again. Instead, I did the exact opposite of numbing out. I reached out to those near and dear. Shoulders were offered from those that could lend me one. So, here is how I closed one door and opened another, one step at a time...

Step 1: Let It Go

For me, I find pleasure in writing in order of letting it all go. I decided that instead of worrying, I would write it all down. I cried for a moment. I took in the moment and realized it was hard, but I let it go. I took one door closed as an opportunity for another one to be opened. I knew that I had to learn from my experiences and move forward. Eventually, I let it go.

Step 2: Open Up To Those Around You

Staying true to yourself is very important. Leaning on those that are there for you is important. It's okay. Talk about your grief. Listen to their experiences and words of wisdom.Take what you can and apply it to yourself. Opening up leads you to happiness and stronger relationships with your family and friends.

Step 3: When You're Ready, Live Life & Take That Leap

Do not drag out a painful event anymore than you need to. Take life by its horns and take the ride of your lifetime. Do what needs to be done. Follow your aspirations and desires. You are strong enough to make it in the game of life. Make a difference in one's life and your own. After all, you only live once.

     May you all find your own courage to let it go, open up to those around you including yourself, and live life! I am proud to say that I have accepted a new role in the nursing field of psychiatry. I am excited to help those while helping myself along the road. Thanks to all those that have always believed in me.

Yours Truly,
A.N.T.

A POEM: FIRE IN MY HEART

Please leave me stranded and let me find my way through the game of life.
Eventually, I will build my castle and live my dream.
There is nothing wrong with me now.
I just got the case of the blues.

Leave me alone because I don't need your policies to dictate my self worth.
I will find my course.
I won't follow you nor walk on egg shells around you.
Nobody can drag me down.

A diamond in the rough, through the game of life.
I know I can handle this chaos.
I don't need you right now, despite feeling like I am losing my mind.
I will find my way.

No matter what I do, I will not wait up all night for you.
No matter how many times you knock on my door.
There is no turning back to the dark hole of life.
Because I got myself full of fire in my heart.

I know you were comfort to me in the past.
But I am not willing to do that.
Take your kisses and go back to where you came from.
You cannot kiss it better for me.

I will not let myself down and I will make it better baby.
I will not let the demons prevail.
I will take my dignity and self-worth,
And give back to life that I know it's meant to be.

- A. N. T.

A Change Will do you Good...

   
      I step into the shadow of my own grave with only hollowness to find. I lurk around, searching for answers to all of the questions. I find myself trapped with no where to turn but to myself. I am deserted and lost in the time of the world. I ponder. How do I get out of this hollow maze of life that I have found myself trapped inside? I have no where to turn but to my own self. I have lost what people call their soul. I am curled into a ball,vulnerable and afraid of the unknown to come. Then there's a glimmer of light that gleams into the hollowness. Suddenly, I realize that a change must happen before it's too late and I am permanently staring into a grave of emptiness.

     I have survived through the wrath of E.D. (Eating Disorder) to this day. Some days are easier on the bumpy road of recovery, while other's are a total bust. How did I get to this point in life where the hollowness of my grave turned into a ray of sunshine on my soul? One of my biggest triggers in life is change. A change in routine; a change in life for the better or the worse. It can be big or small to me, either way it can be life altering. I refelct on all the milestones I have overcome in my life, often wondering how did I survive through the hollow maze of my grave.

     Reluctantly, I reflect on one moment that did not serve me. The choices I made were reckless. But I do not need to elaborate on the details, except I know that I have learned from my mistakes. The best part of it all, I had the courage to walk away from it all. I found that my life was running in a direction that was down that hollowness grave. I was deteriorating again into the frail, vulnerable soul that I hid behind with E.D. I was not myself. Along the way, I was pulled back into that slippery slope, doubting my decisions from the serpent entangling me. Eventually, I made a courageous and brave change in my life.

     The change came and gone, but in the moment it was so life altering and eye-opening. I went from everything to almost nothing; I hit rock bottom. The best part of change is learning and respecting yourself through it all. It does not come easily, but with reassurance and guidance change can happen within your own soul. Take that step that you have been wanting to take and leap into your own happiness. Failure is a mistake not learned. Do not run from change; embrace it. Because as the song goes, "A Change Will do you Good." by Sheryl Crow.

- A.N.T.

Journey of a Nurse

     I stared at the body in front of me. I saw a woman that was my hero in my eyes; healing from a quadruple bypass surgery of her heart. I looked into the wounds that healed and offered her a hand to comfort her. I never knew at the time that action would mold me into who I am now. I remember it like it was yesterday, we were playing the card game 'GO FISH' in the living room, eating ice cream at the parlor, and throwing the trash down the trash chute in the hallway. We enjoyed each other's company. I learned a lot from such a frail, stoic woman; my Grammy.

     It was yesterday that I remember the comment from my Grammy as she stared into my big brown eyes, "you are going to be a nurse one day." Me being my independent, stubborn self, stated "no!" At the time, I had 'higher hopes' of a future for myself so, I thought. Little did I know, that I could be only so fortunate to have such a wonderful career in the nursing field. My Grammy's words always stuck in the back of my head while I discovered myself in my twenties. I dabbled in becoming a veterinarian, a doctor, and a physical therapist, but my true passion and love for a career came from the nursing field. I owe a lot of thanks to a lot people, but my Grammy's words always stuck with me through it all. She was the first person to believe in me and help guide me to success.

     Sometimes, I forget what it is like to walk in the shoes of the chronically ill, faced with death. I have my health that I take for granted at times. Everyday at work I put my nurse's uniform on and hope to make a difference in one's life. I give 110% day in and day out. There's nothing more rewarding than making that simple difference in someone's life. Let it be as simple as taking the time to walk a patient to the bathroom or as complex as performing compressions on a cardiac arrest patient that I preserve everyone's dignity. No matter the level of care, everyone is human and I thank my Grammy for teaching and guiding me.

     As I embark on a new journey as a nurse, I know my Grammy is looking down on me with pride. I leave one chapter completed and enter into another chapter of my life. I am filled with excitement, pride, and fear. I know that what I am about to embark on is a dream come true to me. May we all find a hero among ourselves everyday.

Hello, Can you Hear me?

     As the holidays have come and gone and the New Year has begun, I reflect on how I coped with the holidays. This year when I struggled with eating disorder (E.D.) behaviors, I turned to music as therapy to help guide me through the moment. Music can be a great tool to guide you through everyday life. It helps express and symbolize your emotions to a particular song that relates to you and life. I utilized a tool in my toolbox of skills. I have participated in several groups, one of my most effective groups for my recovery was music therapy.

     Technically what is music therapy? http://www.musictherapy.org/about/musictherapy
website helps explain music therapy in depth and provides resources too. But in a nutshell, a.k.a. my interpretation, it is a representation of your life and how a song relates to you. There is a component of symbolism. Music can be a representation of any emotion or experience that you are going through and touches you in an healthy manor. For example, I have chosen the song by ADELE, "HELLO" to contrast the thoughts and feelings I felt during the holidays. As you listen to the song what do the lyrics mean to you? How do you feel... sad, mad, happy, etc.

     The power of a song can ultimately be very emotional and inspirational. As I listen to Adele's song, I could relate in the sense that Adele's voice was E.D. trying to knock on my door and knock me off my road to recovery. But I've moved on with E.D. and refused to answer the call, despite E.D. trying to beg for my love and build upon my weaknesses, I prevailed on. Adele's last lyric states, "But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore." That line left me feeling recovery is stronger and better. When I heard the song and listened to Adele's CD during the holidays, I refused to let E.D. knock down my door. I turned to music to stay inspired and focused on my road to recovery. Here is my draft to how music therapy related to my E.D.:

May all of you have a fabulous 2016. 

Happy New Year!!!

- A.N.T.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

     
     The innocence and purity of a child versus the young teen's perspective of themselves, can be so different. What is it that changes the mind in such a way? Is there a specific moment? When does the care-free spirit of a child develop into a perfect, good-looking teenager? When was it that you took a different perspective of yourself; the reflection mattered in the mirror the most to you? Who or what were your influences in your teenage years?
   
     I can remember my life as a child as being carefree and free-spirited. I even believed money grew on trees and credit cards were instant cash for all purchases. Something changed. My thought process was different around the eighth grade for me. I lost a lot of people very dear to me including my Grammy, Pepere, and Uncle Leonard that year. Also, I started dabbling in the thought of becoming a woman and wanting to fit in with other peers. The reflection in the mirror started to talk back to me. I started to care about my looks and what I wore. I wanted to fit in.

    At the time, I played ice hockey on an all-girls team and I yearned to play on the boy's high school hockey team, but I cared what others might think of me such as, "you are a man, you are a tom boy" I lived in fear that I would be subjected to bullying in high school. Eventually, I stopped playing ice hockey for many reasons, one being the urge to be more feminine. I took up cross country and track and field. I found another sport that I could excel in and even be praised for my talent. My body and shape turned into a mirage; a strive for perfection. I lost sight of the joy of running. The image in the mirror was never good enough. Eventually, it dictated my self-worth.

     I began developing into a woman by my sophomore year of high school, aka puberty started. I did not know what was happening with my body or what it was going through in life. The changes to my body were so foreign. What I thought should be a good thing, turned into something that I hated. The mirror told me I was getting fatter, I was not pretty, and I was going to be slower as a runner. I strived for perfection and fought puberty with all my might. I did not understand that developing into a woman meant becoming a strong, healthy woman. I listened to the distorted reflection in the mirror.

     Peer pressure, puberty, media, sibling rivalry, and parental guidance all influenced my self-reflection in the mirror. Ultimately, I struggled with wanting to fit-in but also to be the very best I could be. I strived for perfection. My mindset changed within myself for the worst. The reflection in the mirror became my worst enemy and best friend, all at the same time. What I thought was a friend, ended up becoming a contributing factor to struggling with an eating disorder. My self-worth began to be dictated by a distortion in the mirror that I believed.

     Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all? What does your mirror say back to you? Do you talk back to the reflection while respecting yourself too? Understanding beauty comes with in and how you carry yourself is the only reflection that should matter to you. Understanding that no matter what age you are, our bodies are changing all the time. Media and society never should dictate our self-worth in everyday life. Embrace you. Be that care-free child and continue to love yourself in a nonjudgmental way because you are the fairest of them all.