I look in the mirror thinking this cannot be me. How did I get to this point in my life where fear takes over my soul? I'm a strong person! I'm a strong person! I am a strong person! The broken record spins around in my head but my body feels differently. I've tried meditation, therapy, positive affirmations, and every skill I learned along the way to pull me through this time in my life. The internal struggle was real. I couldn't calm my nerves. I thought I could conquer this part of my life and become the next top-notch operating room nurse. I was on top of the world, right?
It all came crumbling down when I realized I was actually the opposite of happy. When I look back at it all, I took a chance. I left one career to pursue another, but I ended up more confused of the reflection in the mirror than ever. I had a secret. I was holding the secret inside my soul for a while. I was afraid what everyone else would think of me or worse; what I thought of myself. I thought I was letting everyone down, including myself. I was stuffing the truth inside my soul.
I was scared of letting go. I knew that change scared me. I was not wanting to admit to what everyone calls "failure." I took a risk. I thought I failed in the moment and I was very devastated. I was given an ultimatum and I took it. I agree it was not for me and I knew that this is how I did not want to spend the rest of my life. The only thing that I wanted to turn to was the comfort of my eating disorder. I wanted to numb the pain away. I wanted to be "in control" of my life again. Instead, I did the exact opposite of numbing out. I reached out to those near and dear. Shoulders were offered from those that could lend me one. So, here is how I closed one door and opened another, one step at a time...
Step 1: Let It Go
For me, I find pleasure in writing in order of letting it all go. I decided that instead of worrying, I would write it all down. I cried for a moment. I took in the moment and realized it was hard, but I let it go. I took one door closed as an opportunity for another one to be opened. I knew that I had to learn from my experiences and move forward. Eventually, I let it go.
Step 2: Open Up To Those Around You
Staying true to yourself is very important. Leaning on those that are there for you is important. It's okay. Talk about your grief. Listen to their experiences and words of wisdom.Take what you can and apply it to yourself. Opening up leads you to happiness and stronger relationships with your family and friends.
Step 3: When You're Ready, Live Life & Take That Leap
Do not drag out a painful event anymore than you need to. Take life by its horns and take the ride of your lifetime. Do what needs to be done. Follow your aspirations and desires. You are strong enough to make it in the game of life. Make a difference in one's life and your own. After all, you only live once.
May you all find your own courage to let it go, open up to those around you including yourself, and live life! I am proud to say that I have accepted a new role in the nursing field of psychiatry. I am excited to help those while helping myself along the road. Thanks to all those that have always believed in me.
Yours Truly,
A.N.T.
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