Playing the Lottery!!!

     You walk into your nearest convenience store and you play your luck. Do you choose your own numbers or do you play a "quick pick?"  You test your luck and hope for the best; hoping for a future full of endless cash. But does endless cash end up buying endless happiness at the end of all the hype? Is there a price good enough to make you happy? I wonder. Ultimately, will the right numbers make you happy? Is it possible in the game of life!!!

     When I measure happiness, it comes in numbers for me but not in cash. It comes in the size of my self-worth and the number I see on the scale. Sometimes I like playing the numbers game with my weight, but I realize that no matter what number I pick, it's not ever good enough to me for a level of happiness. There's no "lucky" number where I feel 'ok' enough with my body. When I was as low as xxxxx, I was not low enough; I still felt "fat and disgust" towards myself. When I was xxxxx, I was too heavy and not good enough. So what is my lucky numbers then? If it was only a lottery game and I could pick my numbers and win, but it's not. It's really not all about a number to me when I dig deep down inside my soul or the payout at the end of a lottery game.

     I was at a recent therapy session. My voice was very loud with utter disgust and severe hatred towards my body. I was digging my heels into the ground, refusing to believe that there was something more going on in my mind other than my body's shape and size. I was throwing fists up, refusing to believe anything different. After about 40 minutes of expressing my disgust, I realized I was running on fumes (plus, I only had about 10 minutes left to my session). To make the most of my session, I took a deeper look at my current life. I realized I was doing too much again. I had not stopped to smell the roses and enjoy the simple things that are pleasurable in life. I was living in the past and future, denying my soul of the fruits of today. As soon as I realized the facts, I began to feel more at ease. My voice from E.D. (eating disorder) had begun to silence. I embraced myself for who I am now, accepting the reality that I deserve enjoyment despite all the "things" that need to get done. I realized that it's ok to enjoy life and do things that are pleasurable in my everyday life; it's a balance not a race to the finish.

     So, the next time you rush to the convenience store or jump on a scale, think to yourself, "will this be utter happiness for me?" In the moment, you bet your bottom dollar it will be! But perhaps in the long run, it's just another gamble with your own self-worth. Maybe we are all just happy right where we are at now in life. So, embrace yourself and ride the fruits of today to the next day. Afterall, you are worthy and beautiful just the way you are. Money or size do not measure your own self-worth.

- A. N. T. 

Surrender Your Soul.

     The air vent's humming echoes in my head as the cafe-filled voices shutter in the distance. The voices fade in the distance, and I'm left with my fingers typing on my keyboard. Suddenly, I drift away from the laptop screen and surround myself with the noisy atmosphere. I discreetly look around and find myself surrounded by fellow coffee-drinking patrons. I take notice of all the different faces and begin to wonder what people think as they sit in their seats.

     Unexpectedly, I surrender my soul to the inner voice in my head. I bleed out the distractions surrounding me. Over the muffled voices, I begin to hear a voice inside me. It's just me and my laptop now. It's a world of creativity and adventure ahead of me. I walk down memory lane, where demons and angels live inside my brain. I contemplate the journey I am about to embark on as I surrender my soul.

      I welcome you to embark on this journey with me too. Suddenly, you begin finding yourself trying to free yourself from the distractions surrounding you. You begin to feel pulled in the past, present, or future direction. Whatever the noise that surrounds you, begin to focus your energy on the current mind in your soul, surrendering it to your inner voice. Place your feet firmly on the ground beneath you while getting your body comfortable in a position that suits your needs. Whatever your position, may you enjoy the calmness that floats over your body.

     Remember, the mind is a beautiful thing. It can protect you. All the while hurting you at the same time. Everybody has a mind at the start of life. No one mind is alike in the universe. There may be similarities and like-minded beliefs, but we all have unique perspectives, experiences, and thoughts. One relative-natured element may be vibrant and bright to you, while it may symbolize darkness to another's mind. We are all unique and special to our own selves. Cherish your own soul before you cherish another's mind.

     As you deepen into surrendering your soul, listening to your inner voice, continue to non-judgmentally accept the fleeting thoughts. As you relax deeper in your position, you realize that you are the only one in the room. Your mind is an Adventureland, caught between reality and fantasy. Focus on the pendulum of thoughts and continue freeing the mind from all distractions. Remember, the thoughts you are having are only unique to you. No one else but you knows your internal thoughts. Now, you have begun to accept the thoughts as feathers in the wind. You take awareness to the thoughts as they disappear like a shooting star in the night.

     Now that you are in a state of mind of letting go of thoughts and freeing the mind, ultimately, you shall be able to accept that a thought is a thought. Awareness of your thoughts can help you embrace your reactions to situations, independent from others. May you allow yourself to move freely through the world of life.

- A. N. T.

The Mind of Madness

   

   
     You find yourself trapped inside a Rubik's Cube, trying to set yourself free from the maze. Each twist of the Rubik's Cube, leaves you more lost among the disorganized colors. If only you could just wrap your mind around the color schema, you may be able to free your mind from the madness. The more twists and turns you take, the further you are from the perfect matching squares of colors. The madness deepens, echoing through your mind. You're left feeling unsteady. You begin to ponder, when will all the darkness become full of brightness again? Instead, you find yourself trapped inside the mind of madness.

     The possible has become impossible. You're wishing that someone could hold onto you because you are unsteady. Even the voices speak to you when your eyes are shut. The madness is beyond return. You have lost sight of reality. With eyes shut, you pray for a better beginning and hope to wake-up from this nightmare. Suddenly, you hear a voice in the distance. You begin to wonder if it could be the devil coming to take your soul. You panic. You start to rapidly think about your options, hoping the voice can take you to the other side of madness. You're at the point that you want to bargain with the voice, even if it is the devil, to free yourself from it all. You feel like a victim in the night, where you dare not look back. It's all a mystery.

     Life as you know it, is about to end. You begin running. Heart-beating uncontrollably. Adrenaline gushing through your veins. You get deeper intertwined into the wrath of the Rubik's Cube. You know you don't wanna live for ever, but you know this is not how you wanted your life to end. The voice is getting louder and the thoughts are screaming in your head. Blood is seeping through your skin. The darkness has overtook your soul. The mind is full of delusional thinking and rationalizations. You are mentally exhausted and feel all alone.

     Eventually, you try to pry your eyes open to catch a glimmer of light; anything to grab hold of hope. Again, you attempt to turn the vibrant tiles of the Rubik's Cube. Frustratingly, you just cannot grasp a steady pattern among the disorganized colors. Suddenly, a flash of hope comes to you. Holding onto the fleeing thought, cautiously you begin to think clearer. You realize that in order to obtain an organized color schema to the Rubik's Cube, you must work out the twists and turns of the disorganized patterns of colors.  You begin to understand that bargaining with the devil will not end the madness; chaos will ensue. No matter where you turn, there lays the truth.

     As you realize the power of the mind and ponder the different possibilities, you realize there can only be one absolute. You begin to understand that it is how you look at things, not how they are in themselves. You are motivated to solve the unsolvable color patterns of the Rubik's Cube. Taking a different perspectives of a problem can lead to harmony and create a healthy mind of the soul. Instead of fleeing the possibility of failure, embrace the idea of change. The darkness shall not last forever; after every sunset there is a sunrise.

- A. N. T. 

“What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: Our life is the creation of our mind.”  ~Buddha

Who Cares About Hairballs?

     It's a dark, dreary, cold morning outside. My alarm begins to chime. I ignore it and begin to pull the covers back up over my head. Moments later, my back-up alarm begins to nudge me in the head; attempting to get me up from the bed. All I can hear is the sounds of purring in my ears. I feel the wet little nose against my face and I begin to smile. Suddenly, I remember that three little kitties are awaiting me to awake. Eventually, I stumble out of bed and rub my eyes. I begin to walk out of the bedroom. Instantly, I feel a squishy, warm mound of mush between my toes. I begin to scream and hop on one foot to the bathroom. All the while, the three amigos are following me to the bathroom in curiosity, wondering what's all the commotion. I stare over at the three musketeers, wondering which one left me a gift of laughter. In some way or the other, these three very different cats have taught me some life lessons.

Don't cry over spilled milk:

Life's to short, take that leap:

No matter who you are, be yourself:



















Despite your differences, love a lot.

Remember to always take some "me" time:

Be the Cat's meow, You got this!!!

It's OK to ask for affection:

No problem is too hard to solve:

Take the time to smell the roses:

 Last but not least.

We are all a little different, 

but we always accept each other for who we are:

Life's Lessons by,
- A.N.T.

A Little Bio About The BOYZ:

Jaguar, Jag for short, is thirteen years old and is considered the wise one among the bunch. He is a very proud kitty and does not hesitate to show his true colors. He likes to be pet on his own terms. He's not a very affectionate cat but when he is, look out. Jag is secretly an outdoor cat too.

Binks a.k.a. Binky, is six years old and has a chronic respiratory problem. He can't even smell. This resilient cat has never allowed his breathing problems to inhibit his daily living. He gets a little short of breath at times, but he still plays like any other kitty. His strength and determination to live life to its fullest is rather refreshing.

Oreo, Orie for short, is seven months old and is the spry one among the bunch. He keeps the other boys young and reminds them of their youth. There is no mountain tall enough for him to leap over. Actually, he keeps the whole household young. Mischief is his game; love and acceptance is his true intentions.

Bloggers Block

     I try to type, but I have lost my soul. I try to express my feelings from the inside but I get writer's block. I take some time to think about how I can get around this all. I want to begin to tell you about my new journey, but I feel there is no where to begin. I could list the facts or just type about my life since the last time I've blogged, but I don't feel ready. So, I turn my memory back to a time in my life that was sad but also, an inspirational time for me.

     I go back as far as six years ago. I lost a soul that not only gave the best hugs, but had took life for what it was worth. He was truly inspirational to his entire family. By his death, I learned he loved poetry. I found it instrumental to me that he left behind not only a loving family but a legacy too. I was inspired. I wanted to start to write poetry too. I did know how to write poetry, nor was I an expertise in the subject. However, I did know that I had profound thoughts that could help me and others as I write. So, I leave all my readers with my latest and greatest poems that I have wrote:

SUICIDE

There's nothing to hide

nor do I pride.

There is no joy

in everyday toys.

There's not enough pills

to get me over the hills.

No matter how hard I try.

So, please don't pry.

You may or may not be there

but I seem not to care.

So, take your box of tissues

and leave me to my issues.

It's by a leap of faith

that I don't misbehave

and turn to the light, 

to embark on my flight.

MY STRIFE

My thinking isn't the same

and I'm feeling a little insane.

All I want to do is cry

but, I'm afraid people may pry.

The truth will remain a mystery

and I'm afraid it will become history.

Please let me feel my freedom

So, I don't become incoherent.

I want to disappear into nowhere

and look elsewhere.

My past will be the past 

and this too shouldn't last.

My future is bright with life

and it's not full of strife.

My thinking isn't the same

and I'm not ashamed.

- A.N.T. 

Relapse Prevention Planning

     My journey continues, while I embark on a journey through recovery from an eating disorder (E.D.). I take myself back in time to May 2002. I blow the dust off the pages and flip through my binder that's filled with a ton of skills. At the time, I'm was very scared to go from the hospital setting, to residential treatment, and then to partial treatment. I was afraid of the unknown. I was afraid I would lose control of my life and turn back to E.D. to help gain control in the game of life. So, how does one face the reality's of everyday life outside a therapeutic setting?

Make a list of the following in regards to your own RELAPSE PREVENTION:

Signs of Improvements:

Signs I'm Slipping:

Relapse Prevention Plan:

FIVE THINGS to consider in your post-treatment plan:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Here is a firsthand example of my own relapse prevention plan that I personalized to my own recovery in the year of 2002...

FIVE THINGS to consider in your post-treatment plan:

1. Have positive and healthy SUPPORTS

2. Have a TOOLBOX filled with skills for trigger preparation

3. Have A MEAL PLAN provides structure

4. Have a TREATMENT TEAM and keep your appointments.

5. Have a RELAPSE PREVENTION plan

Remember this about recovery:
Everyone's journey is different.
It's a work in progress.
There will be ups - N - downs.
A relapse is a bump; Don't give-up.


"Always shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."

- A.N.T.

Full Circle in Life

     I walk down the dark corridor, where my skeleton hides. I look around waiting to find the answer to all my questions. I have returned to what I call the dark place of my past. Never in a million years did I think I would be standing in the very same place that I embarked on a life saving journey in 2002. Approximately fifteen years later, I stand on the other side of the door. This time, I use my own employee badge to get in and out of the facility. As I swipe my badge, my heart begins to beat faster. The sweat begins to form on my brow. My heart is racing now. I proceed with hesitance. I remind myself  that I'm embarking on the right path, even if it is the path of the unknown.


     Some may wonder and even ask, is this the right choice? Are you going to be triggered and return to unhealthy coping skills? To say the least, I have openly discussed with my treatment providers and those near and dear to me about my choices and possible triggers. I feel that this is a positive step into my future. So far, I have coped with sadness, guilt, and internal struggles of self loathing when faced with my past. The biggest trigger is knowing that I treated my body in sch a destructive way. If anything, I am motivated to never look back at an eating disorder (E.D.) and take that leap of faith into a positive direction. I have the courage to face my internal demons; to stare them down and conquer my new journey in life. Hence, facing the fork in the road and taking a turn into the unknown, where fear itself hides.


     I have made a full circle in life. I have decided to give back to all those that have helped me along the way. First hand, I can relate with addictions, disease, and emotional distress. I have clinical and personal experiences to offer those that struggle with change. I can relate to those that are in need in a professional manner. I can do this. I am ready. I am an advocate for the scared soul to speak. I am an advocate for those that need the guidance. I am me. I vow to be the best advocate I can be.


I am no longer that scared, vulnerable little caterpillar anymore hiding behind E.D. Instead, I am a courageous butterfly that spreads my wings and flies away into the sunlight. May you all find your inner beauty and fly away into your own journey in life. Believe in yourself.