You walk into your nearest convenience store and you play your luck. Do you choose your own numbers or do you play a "quick pick?" You test your luck and hope for the best; hoping for a future full of endless cash. But does endless cash end up buying endless happiness at the end of all the hype? Is there a price good enough to make you happy? I wonder. Ultimately, will the right numbers make you happy? Is it possible in the game of life!!!
When I measure happiness, it comes in numbers for me but not in cash. It comes in the size of my self-worth and the number I see on the scale. Sometimes I like playing the numbers game with my weight, but I realize that no matter what number I pick, it's not ever good enough to me for a level of happiness. There's no "lucky" number where I feel 'ok' enough with my body. When I was as low as xxxxx, I was not low enough; I still felt "fat and disgust" towards myself. When I was xxxxx, I was too heavy and not good enough. So what is my lucky numbers then? If it was only a lottery game and I could pick my numbers and win, but it's not. It's really not all about a number to me when I dig deep down inside my soul or the payout at the end of a lottery game.
I was at a recent therapy session. My voice was very loud with utter disgust and severe hatred towards my body. I was digging my heels into the ground, refusing to believe that there was something more going on in my mind other than my body's shape and size. I was throwing fists up, refusing to believe anything different. After about 40 minutes of expressing my disgust, I realized I was running on fumes (plus, I only had about 10 minutes left to my session). To make the most of my session, I took a deeper look at my current life. I realized I was doing too much again. I had not stopped to smell the roses and enjoy the simple things that are pleasurable in life. I was living in the past and future, denying my soul of the fruits of today. As soon as I realized the facts, I began to feel more at ease. My voice from E.D. (eating disorder) had begun to silence. I embraced myself for who I am now, accepting the reality that I deserve enjoyment despite all the "things" that need to get done. I realized that it's ok to enjoy life and do things that are pleasurable in my everyday life; it's a balance not a race to the finish.
So, the next time you rush to the convenience store or jump on a scale, think to yourself, "will this be utter happiness for me?" In the moment, you bet your bottom dollar it will be! But perhaps in the long run, it's just another gamble with your own self-worth. Maybe we are all just happy right where we are at now in life. So, embrace yourself and ride the fruits of today to the next day. Afterall, you are worthy and beautiful just the way you are. Money or size do not measure your own self-worth.
- A. N. T.
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