The Mind of Madness

   

   
     You find yourself trapped inside a Rubik's Cube, trying to set yourself free from the maze. Each twist of the Rubik's Cube, leaves you more lost among the disorganized colors. If only you could just wrap your mind around the color schema, you may be able to free your mind from the madness. The more twists and turns you take, the further you are from the perfect matching squares of colors. The madness deepens, echoing through your mind. You're left feeling unsteady. You begin to ponder, when will all the darkness become full of brightness again? Instead, you find yourself trapped inside the mind of madness.

     The possible has become impossible. You're wishing that someone could hold onto you because you are unsteady. Even the voices speak to you when your eyes are shut. The madness is beyond return. You have lost sight of reality. With eyes shut, you pray for a better beginning and hope to wake-up from this nightmare. Suddenly, you hear a voice in the distance. You begin to wonder if it could be the devil coming to take your soul. You panic. You start to rapidly think about your options, hoping the voice can take you to the other side of madness. You're at the point that you want to bargain with the voice, even if it is the devil, to free yourself from it all. You feel like a victim in the night, where you dare not look back. It's all a mystery.

     Life as you know it, is about to end. You begin running. Heart-beating uncontrollably. Adrenaline gushing through your veins. You get deeper intertwined into the wrath of the Rubik's Cube. You know you don't wanna live for ever, but you know this is not how you wanted your life to end. The voice is getting louder and the thoughts are screaming in your head. Blood is seeping through your skin. The darkness has overtook your soul. The mind is full of delusional thinking and rationalizations. You are mentally exhausted and feel all alone.

     Eventually, you try to pry your eyes open to catch a glimmer of light; anything to grab hold of hope. Again, you attempt to turn the vibrant tiles of the Rubik's Cube. Frustratingly, you just cannot grasp a steady pattern among the disorganized colors. Suddenly, a flash of hope comes to you. Holding onto the fleeing thought, cautiously you begin to think clearer. You realize that in order to obtain an organized color schema to the Rubik's Cube, you must work out the twists and turns of the disorganized patterns of colors.  You begin to understand that bargaining with the devil will not end the madness; chaos will ensue. No matter where you turn, there lays the truth.

     As you realize the power of the mind and ponder the different possibilities, you realize there can only be one absolute. You begin to understand that it is how you look at things, not how they are in themselves. You are motivated to solve the unsolvable color patterns of the Rubik's Cube. Taking a different perspectives of a problem can lead to harmony and create a healthy mind of the soul. Instead of fleeing the possibility of failure, embrace the idea of change. The darkness shall not last forever; after every sunset there is a sunrise.

- A. N. T. 

“What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: Our life is the creation of our mind.”  ~Buddha

Who Cares About Hairballs?

     It's a dark, dreary, cold morning outside. My alarm begins to chime. I ignore it and begin to pull the covers back up over my head. Moments later, my back-up alarm begins to nudge me in the head; attempting to get me up from the bed. All I can hear is the sounds of purring in my ears. I feel the wet little nose against my face and I begin to smile. Suddenly, I remember that three little kitties are awaiting me to awake. Eventually, I stumble out of bed and rub my eyes. I begin to walk out of the bedroom. Instantly, I feel a squishy, warm mound of mush between my toes. I begin to scream and hop on one foot to the bathroom. All the while, the three amigos are following me to the bathroom in curiosity, wondering what's all the commotion. I stare over at the three musketeers, wondering which one left me a gift of laughter. In some way or the other, these three very different cats have taught me some life lessons.

Don't cry over spilled milk:

Life's to short, take that leap:

No matter who you are, be yourself:



















Despite your differences, love a lot.

Remember to always take some "me" time:

Be the Cat's meow, You got this!!!

It's OK to ask for affection:

No problem is too hard to solve:

Take the time to smell the roses:

 Last but not least.

We are all a little different, 

but we always accept each other for who we are:

Life's Lessons by,
- A.N.T.

A Little Bio About The BOYZ:

Jaguar, Jag for short, is thirteen years old and is considered the wise one among the bunch. He is a very proud kitty and does not hesitate to show his true colors. He likes to be pet on his own terms. He's not a very affectionate cat but when he is, look out. Jag is secretly an outdoor cat too.

Binks a.k.a. Binky, is six years old and has a chronic respiratory problem. He can't even smell. This resilient cat has never allowed his breathing problems to inhibit his daily living. He gets a little short of breath at times, but he still plays like any other kitty. His strength and determination to live life to its fullest is rather refreshing.

Oreo, Orie for short, is seven months old and is the spry one among the bunch. He keeps the other boys young and reminds them of their youth. There is no mountain tall enough for him to leap over. Actually, he keeps the whole household young. Mischief is his game; love and acceptance is his true intentions.

Bloggers Block

     I try to type, but I have lost my soul. I try to express my feelings from the inside but I get writer's block. I take some time to think about how I can get around this all. I want to begin to tell you about my new journey, but I feel there is no where to begin. I could list the facts or just type about my life since the last time I've blogged, but I don't feel ready. So, I turn my memory back to a time in my life that was sad but also, an inspirational time for me.

     I go back as far as six years ago. I lost a soul that not only gave the best hugs, but had took life for what it was worth. He was truly inspirational to his entire family. By his death, I learned he loved poetry. I found it instrumental to me that he left behind not only a loving family but a legacy too. I was inspired. I wanted to start to write poetry too. I did know how to write poetry, nor was I an expertise in the subject. However, I did know that I had profound thoughts that could help me and others as I write. So, I leave all my readers with my latest and greatest poems that I have wrote:

SUICIDE

There's nothing to hide

nor do I pride.

There is no joy

in everyday toys.

There's not enough pills

to get me over the hills.

No matter how hard I try.

So, please don't pry.

You may or may not be there

but I seem not to care.

So, take your box of tissues

and leave me to my issues.

It's by a leap of faith

that I don't misbehave

and turn to the light, 

to embark on my flight.

MY STRIFE

My thinking isn't the same

and I'm feeling a little insane.

All I want to do is cry

but, I'm afraid people may pry.

The truth will remain a mystery

and I'm afraid it will become history.

Please let me feel my freedom

So, I don't become incoherent.

I want to disappear into nowhere

and look elsewhere.

My past will be the past 

and this too shouldn't last.

My future is bright with life

and it's not full of strife.

My thinking isn't the same

and I'm not ashamed.

- A.N.T. 

Relapse Prevention Planning

     My journey continues, while I embark on a journey through recovery from an eating disorder (E.D.). I take myself back in time to May 2002. I blow the dust off the pages and flip through my binder that's filled with a ton of skills. At the time, I'm was very scared to go from the hospital setting, to residential treatment, and then to partial treatment. I was afraid of the unknown. I was afraid I would lose control of my life and turn back to E.D. to help gain control in the game of life. So, how does one face the reality's of everyday life outside a therapeutic setting?

Make a list of the following in regards to your own RELAPSE PREVENTION:

Signs of Improvements:

Signs I'm Slipping:

Relapse Prevention Plan:

FIVE THINGS to consider in your post-treatment plan:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Here is a firsthand example of my own relapse prevention plan that I personalized to my own recovery in the year of 2002...

FIVE THINGS to consider in your post-treatment plan:

1. Have positive and healthy SUPPORTS

2. Have a TOOLBOX filled with skills for trigger preparation

3. Have A MEAL PLAN provides structure

4. Have a TREATMENT TEAM and keep your appointments.

5. Have a RELAPSE PREVENTION plan

Remember this about recovery:
Everyone's journey is different.
It's a work in progress.
There will be ups - N - downs.
A relapse is a bump; Don't give-up.


"Always shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."

- A.N.T.

Full Circle in Life

     I walk down the dark corridor, where my skeleton hides. I look around waiting to find the answer to all my questions. I have returned to what I call the dark place of my past. Never in a million years did I think I would be standing in the very same place that I embarked on a life saving journey in 2002. Approximately fifteen years later, I stand on the other side of the door. This time, I use my own employee badge to get in and out of the facility. As I swipe my badge, my heart begins to beat faster. The sweat begins to form on my brow. My heart is racing now. I proceed with hesitance. I remind myself  that I'm embarking on the right path, even if it is the path of the unknown.


     Some may wonder and even ask, is this the right choice? Are you going to be triggered and return to unhealthy coping skills? To say the least, I have openly discussed with my treatment providers and those near and dear to me about my choices and possible triggers. I feel that this is a positive step into my future. So far, I have coped with sadness, guilt, and internal struggles of self loathing when faced with my past. The biggest trigger is knowing that I treated my body in sch a destructive way. If anything, I am motivated to never look back at an eating disorder (E.D.) and take that leap of faith into a positive direction. I have the courage to face my internal demons; to stare them down and conquer my new journey in life. Hence, facing the fork in the road and taking a turn into the unknown, where fear itself hides.


     I have made a full circle in life. I have decided to give back to all those that have helped me along the way. First hand, I can relate with addictions, disease, and emotional distress. I have clinical and personal experiences to offer those that struggle with change. I can relate to those that are in need in a professional manner. I can do this. I am ready. I am an advocate for the scared soul to speak. I am an advocate for those that need the guidance. I am me. I vow to be the best advocate I can be.


I am no longer that scared, vulnerable little caterpillar anymore hiding behind E.D. Instead, I am a courageous butterfly that spreads my wings and flies away into the sunlight. May you all find your inner beauty and fly away into your own journey in life. Believe in yourself.

I Have a Secret to the Game of Life.

     I look in the mirror thinking this cannot be me. How did I get to this point in my life where fear takes over my soul? I'm a strong person! I'm a strong person! I am a strong person! The broken record spins around in my head but my body feels differently. I've tried meditation, therapy, positive affirmations, and every skill I learned along the way to pull me through this time in my life. The internal struggle was real. I couldn't calm my nerves. I thought I could conquer this part of my life and become the next top-notch operating room nurse. I was on top of the world, right?

     It all came crumbling down when I realized I was actually the opposite of happy. When I look back at it all, I took a chance. I left one career to pursue another, but I ended up more confused of the reflection in the mirror than ever. I had a secret. I was holding the secret inside my soul for a while. I was afraid what everyone else would think of me or worse; what I thought of myself. I thought I was letting everyone down, including myself. I was stuffing the truth inside my soul.

     I was scared of letting go. I knew that change scared me. I was not wanting to admit to what everyone calls "failure." I took a risk. I thought I failed in the moment and I was very devastated. I was given an ultimatum and I took it. I agree it was not for me and I knew that this is how I did not want to spend the rest of my life. The only thing that I wanted to turn to was the comfort of my eating disorder. I wanted to numb the pain away. I wanted to be "in control" of my life again. Instead, I did the exact opposite of numbing out. I reached out to those near and dear. Shoulders were offered from those that could lend me one. So, here is how I closed one door and opened another, one step at a time...

Step 1: Let It Go

For me, I find pleasure in writing in order of letting it all go. I decided that instead of worrying, I would write it all down. I cried for a moment. I took in the moment and realized it was hard, but I let it go. I took one door closed as an opportunity for another one to be opened. I knew that I had to learn from my experiences and move forward. Eventually, I let it go.

Step 2: Open Up To Those Around You

Staying true to yourself is very important. Leaning on those that are there for you is important. It's okay. Talk about your grief. Listen to their experiences and words of wisdom.Take what you can and apply it to yourself. Opening up leads you to happiness and stronger relationships with your family and friends.

Step 3: When You're Ready, Live Life & Take That Leap

Do not drag out a painful event anymore than you need to. Take life by its horns and take the ride of your lifetime. Do what needs to be done. Follow your aspirations and desires. You are strong enough to make it in the game of life. Make a difference in one's life and your own. After all, you only live once.

     May you all find your own courage to let it go, open up to those around you including yourself, and live life! I am proud to say that I have accepted a new role in the nursing field of psychiatry. I am excited to help those while helping myself along the road. Thanks to all those that have always believed in me.

Yours Truly,
A.N.T.

A POEM: FIRE IN MY HEART

Please leave me stranded and let me find my way through the game of life.
Eventually, I will build my castle and live my dream.
There is nothing wrong with me now.
I just got the case of the blues.

Leave me alone because I don't need your policies to dictate my self worth.
I will find my course.
I won't follow you nor walk on egg shells around you.
Nobody can drag me down.

A diamond in the rough, through the game of life.
I know I can handle this chaos.
I don't need you right now, despite feeling like I am losing my mind.
I will find my way.

No matter what I do, I will not wait up all night for you.
No matter how many times you knock on my door.
There is no turning back to the dark hole of life.
Because I got myself full of fire in my heart.

I know you were comfort to me in the past.
But I am not willing to do that.
Take your kisses and go back to where you came from.
You cannot kiss it better for me.

I will not let myself down and I will make it better baby.
I will not let the demons prevail.
I will take my dignity and self-worth,
And give back to life that I know it's meant to be.

- A. N. T.