Hello, Can you Hear me?

     As the holidays have come and gone and the New Year has begun, I reflect on how I coped with the holidays. This year when I struggled with eating disorder (E.D.) behaviors, I turned to music as therapy to help guide me through the moment. Music can be a great tool to guide you through everyday life. It helps express and symbolize your emotions to a particular song that relates to you and life. I utilized a tool in my toolbox of skills. I have participated in several groups, one of my most effective groups for my recovery was music therapy.

     Technically what is music therapy? http://www.musictherapy.org/about/musictherapy
website helps explain music therapy in depth and provides resources too. But in a nutshell, a.k.a. my interpretation, it is a representation of your life and how a song relates to you. There is a component of symbolism. Music can be a representation of any emotion or experience that you are going through and touches you in an healthy manor. For example, I have chosen the song by ADELE, "HELLO" to contrast the thoughts and feelings I felt during the holidays. As you listen to the song what do the lyrics mean to you? How do you feel... sad, mad, happy, etc.

     The power of a song can ultimately be very emotional and inspirational. As I listen to Adele's song, I could relate in the sense that Adele's voice was E.D. trying to knock on my door and knock me off my road to recovery. But I've moved on with E.D. and refused to answer the call, despite E.D. trying to beg for my love and build upon my weaknesses, I prevailed on. Adele's last lyric states, "But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore." That line left me feeling recovery is stronger and better. When I heard the song and listened to Adele's CD during the holidays, I refused to let E.D. knock down my door. I turned to music to stay inspired and focused on my road to recovery. Here is my draft to how music therapy related to my E.D.:

May all of you have a fabulous 2016. 

Happy New Year!!!

- A.N.T.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

     
     The innocence and purity of a child versus the young teen's perspective of themselves, can be so different. What is it that changes the mind in such a way? Is there a specific moment? When does the care-free spirit of a child develop into a perfect, good-looking teenager? When was it that you took a different perspective of yourself; the reflection mattered in the mirror the most to you? Who or what were your influences in your teenage years?
   
     I can remember my life as a child as being carefree and free-spirited. I even believed money grew on trees and credit cards were instant cash for all purchases. Something changed. My thought process was different around the eighth grade for me. I lost a lot of people very dear to me including my Grammy, Pepere, and Uncle Leonard that year. Also, I started dabbling in the thought of becoming a woman and wanting to fit in with other peers. The reflection in the mirror started to talk back to me. I started to care about my looks and what I wore. I wanted to fit in.

    At the time, I played ice hockey on an all-girls team and I yearned to play on the boy's high school hockey team, but I cared what others might think of me such as, "you are a man, you are a tom boy" I lived in fear that I would be subjected to bullying in high school. Eventually, I stopped playing ice hockey for many reasons, one being the urge to be more feminine. I took up cross country and track and field. I found another sport that I could excel in and even be praised for my talent. My body and shape turned into a mirage; a strive for perfection. I lost sight of the joy of running. The image in the mirror was never good enough. Eventually, it dictated my self-worth.

     I began developing into a woman by my sophomore year of high school, aka puberty started. I did not know what was happening with my body or what it was going through in life. The changes to my body were so foreign. What I thought should be a good thing, turned into something that I hated. The mirror told me I was getting fatter, I was not pretty, and I was going to be slower as a runner. I strived for perfection and fought puberty with all my might. I did not understand that developing into a woman meant becoming a strong, healthy woman. I listened to the distorted reflection in the mirror.

     Peer pressure, puberty, media, sibling rivalry, and parental guidance all influenced my self-reflection in the mirror. Ultimately, I struggled with wanting to fit-in but also to be the very best I could be. I strived for perfection. My mindset changed within myself for the worst. The reflection in the mirror became my worst enemy and best friend, all at the same time. What I thought was a friend, ended up becoming a contributing factor to struggling with an eating disorder. My self-worth began to be dictated by a distortion in the mirror that I believed.

     Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all? What does your mirror say back to you? Do you talk back to the reflection while respecting yourself too? Understanding beauty comes with in and how you carry yourself is the only reflection that should matter to you. Understanding that no matter what age you are, our bodies are changing all the time. Media and society never should dictate our self-worth in everyday life. Embrace you. Be that care-free child and continue to love yourself in a nonjudgmental way because you are the fairest of them all.

Love yourself

     As I reflect on my life at the age of thirty-five years old, I wonder how I have learned to love myself along the way. I ask myself, "how can one love themselves' when there is so much more to love in others?" Well, I've learned along the way, through the guidance of my parents, that it is important to love yourself first. It can be a hard concept to grasp for a selfless person, but I as I walk in my own shadow, I trust and love myself for all of me.

     It took a lot of time and practice to finally love myself for all of me. Actually, I am still in practice to be honest. As a nurse, I put other needs first and care for many people in their worst of moments. So, how do I balance loving myself too? Well, I love my career and helping others. I feel blessed to be able to love and do what I love to do, which is help others. But there is a balance. In order to be able to care and love for others, I had to learn to love myself for all of me, including my imperfections.

     Loving yourself doesn't mean being self-centered. There is a major difference between the two. Self-centered is expecting others to treat oneself as special, but does not return the favor. There's a lack of insight into their own behavior, and consequently relationships are empty and incomplete. People who have developed a sense of self-love value themselves in full, including their imperfections. They learn from their mistakes and utilize non-judgemental efforts to honor their own voice.

     I give you all permission to love yourself everyday. Have compassion for others by being compassionate with yourself. Forgive others by forgiving yourself. Trust in yourself and love who you are in every aspect of your life. So put your arms around yourself and give yourself a big hug. You deserve it.

-A.N.T.

A Letter to my 9-Year Old Self

Dear Younger Self,

I am writing to you to tell you that no matter what you do or say, you are perfect just the way you are. You may make some mistakes along the way but you will learn from all of them. No matter what one says or does, it won't make or break you. You are an amazing person and are making a difference in life. Please take all these words of advice that I've learned along the years:

Don't be so hard on yourself... breathe! Everything will work out.
Enjoy every second you got.
Fight for what you believe in.
You are not a failure.
No one can take away your innocence.
You are perfect just the way you are.
Your self-esteem is not based on how cool you are, rather how you feel about yourself.
Cherish every part of yourself including your own personality and uniqueness.
What you see in the mirror or read on the scale, should never dictate your day.
Be yourself always.
You can be anything you want to be; your heart is big and welcomes all.
You are healthy and strong - pimples and 'flaws' are part of the growing pains that are normal.
You don't need to belong to a click, to make you feel you belong in life.

Sincerely,
Older Me

This is a video that has inspired me to write words of wisdom to myself. I saw this video at a Massachusetts General Hospital (MGH) seminar about Eating Disorders.I had to share this because it has inspired me. May this inspire all of you:

Barriers to Treatment

     Lately, I have been hearing about a wide-spread media coverage on the heroin crisis. I often ask myself, how and why it's so hard to recover. What are the barriers to treatment? From a first person perspective, one whom has been in recovery with an Eating Disorder, there are so many reasons that can be close to impossible at times. There are so many internal and external barriers to treatment.

     One of the biggest internal barriers to treatment is the readiness and the ability to seek help. It takes a lot of courage to admit that what may have been working at one time, is no longer working anymore. Sometimes it can feel like a sense of defeat; a sign of weakness. But in actuality, the opposite is true! It takes strength, bravery, and courage to admit something has to change before it's too late. Realizing this can be very hard and can be a different way of thinking for someone struggling so much.

     Often, when people suffer with the notion of seeking help, they have burned a lot of bridges. We can be such master manipulators when we are in the thralls of our disease. We tell people what they want to hear but do the complete opposite. We burn bridges that have been built once with trust. We often struggle with the ability to keep close, real friendships and often don't trust anyone. A very key component to recovery is a strong support system. Building healthy relationships again can be so hard, but it's a very important part of treatment.

     Once, one is faced with needing or wanting to seek help, the availability of treatment facilities can be non-existent. They are stressed to the maximum and there are waiting lists too. Then you are faced with another external barrier such as INSURANCE. One may or may not have insurance, which leads to the ability to pay. Insurance companies dictate your length of stay, often leaving people to be discharged to soon. People may be sober,"not-using" or eating healthy at time of discharge but the skills to recover are non-existent when thrown back to the same environment. A tight network of supports, treatment providers, and will-power is needed before discharge. Often, people don't get that in a few days stay. People are discharged way to soon once they are "stabilized." often there are not enough skills in place to help one fight the battle. The comfort zone is still strong and leads to a false sense of failure.

     Does it sound impossible to recover at times? The internal and external barriers seem overwhelmingly high, but the answer is no. The revolving door syndrome may happen multiple times during your recovery where you go in and out of facilities and treatments, but it is always a forward motion. Recovery is two steps forward and one step backwards. Having patience, understanding, and knowing relapse happens can be key to recovery. I never recovered in one stay in a hospital. The battle is every day and can seem like failure to others. Educating yourself and understanding the course of recovery can be very helpful to one who is struggling.

     May it be a heroin crisis or any addiction, loved ones need to take the time to educate him or herself and have lots of patience, Sometimes, tough love is needed while other times it is not. Open your hands and heart to realize that it's a process. Tragically it all can end in death. For those of you struggling, please know you are not alone. Recovery is possible.

Often life seems impossible

even when it's possible.

Know you are not alone

even when you feel lost.

Take the time to listen

and follow your heart.

-A.N.T.

Taking a Leap of Hope

It was a scary day for me but I knew something had to change in my life. A revolving door swung me through the beginning of a journey; living life. My journey with life with an Eating Disorder (E.D.) was about to become non-existent at Walden Hospital in Waltham, MA. It was the year of 2002 when I fearfully entered through that revolving door. Thirteen years later, I still struggle with recovery but am living life free from E.D. every day more and more.

     I was at my breaking point at the age of twenty-two. I was exhausted. I was petrified of change and of the unknown. My friends and family were expressing their concerns and even willing to have me committed. “I was fine,” I often tried to explain to everyone. It took all my strength to counteract all the demons in my head and seek help from professionals. My journey that day was one of the scariest moments in my life but most relieving at the same time.

     In Walden Hospital, I trusted no one and was in extreme denial of my Eating Disorder. I felt all I needed to do was learn how to eat. “I don’t have an Eating Disorder,” I would often argue with everyone. I was angry, untrusting, and ambivalent to accepting the help I sought. As the refeeding progress slowly started, I was becoming more coherent in my decision making. I was able to start to understand that I was struggling with an Eating Disorder. I began to let go of E.D.; the control it had over me. My days in the hospital were very tough and not easy, but I knew life was better than life with E.D., I had a glimmer of hope.

     My days in Walden Hospital was a struggle at times but all the patients, professionals, family, and friends provided me with hope. I started to not feel alone as I began to take part in my own recovery. The more I began to be part of my own treatment and life, the stronger I became. Don’t get me wrong, at the beginning I was angry at everyone and denied myself treatment. I was beyond ambivalent. I was scared, but it was the little voice inside me that walked through that revolving door that kept me alive.
          Over ten years later, I still am in recovery from E.D., but I know that one day I will be recovered, free from E.D. I now believe freedom from E.D. is possible. I may not be fully recovered but I do consider myself much happier and healthier. Currently, I am living my life to its fullest with bumps along my road to recovery. May we all know we are not alone in our struggles on the road of life? I write this blog entry with hope that it will instill hope in you and touch your soul. May we all find our true selves!

-A.N.T.

How to be a Hero/Heroine with an Eating Disorder.

     I reflect on my past, asking myself what I missed out on in life with an eating disorder (E.D.). This is what I reflected on. I missed out on reality. Life with love. I pushed people away and was comfortably numbed out; high on life. An eating disorder pushed me through life of restriction and over exercising. I lived in fear of the unknown. Every day was centered on the number on the scale and how many miles I ran that day. Every ounce of nourishment was counted in calories and dictated my own self-worth. Ultimately, I felt I was untouchable to everyone that came into my life. I was impulsively, uncontrollable at the time. I was driven by perfection and in a constant state of a delusional reality; trying to run from my past and jump into my future. I was a walking zombie, screaming for help on the inside. Finally, my breaking point had come knocking on my door.

     My breaking point was knowing that life was not meant to be lived like this. I was lying to people and myself. I was running away from reality. I was exhausted. My body was frail and dying. I did not know exactly what at the time, but something had to change before it was too late. It was the support of other's voices of reason and the total exhaustion into near death that led me to seek help. I had reached a breaking point and I knew I did not want to live like this anymore. I needed help.

    Once, I accepted the fact I was in recovery from an eating disorder and needed help, I began to live life. I still struggle to this day. The unhealthy behaviors may be non-existent for the most part, but the negative thought process still lingers on. I struggle with the thoughts of accepting myself in my own skin and clothes. When E.D. is talking loud in my head, I feel insecure and lost amongst myself. I try my best now to ask myself "what's really happening in my life?" Often I tell myself that these thoughts are not real and they will pass too. Then I focus on reality and struggles of everyday life instead of E.D. Certainly, it is not easy but I know that I want to live a life fully recovered; free from E.D. That fact alone keeps me focused on recovery.

     The more and more I focus on recovery, the more I live my life as the real me. My thoughts are clearer. My concentration levels are higher, I'm not in a constant state of deprivation and numbness to reality. I feel every emotion and embrace them all. My self-worth, confidence, and thought processes are not tainted by E.D. I have learned to live life without E.D. as I got older. I have developed self-respect and a sense of self-worth. Communication and assertiveness became a cornerstone to my recovery. Learning the difference between the two and the end results of each one are very important, I learned along the way, with much trial and error, that I am 'perfect' just the way I am. May we all be heroes/heroines in our own eyes!