A Letter to my 9-Year Old Self

Dear Younger Self,

I am writing to you to tell you that no matter what you do or say, you are perfect just the way you are. You may make some mistakes along the way but you will learn from all of them. No matter what one says or does, it won't make or break you. You are an amazing person and are making a difference in life. Please take all these words of advice that I've learned along the years:

Don't be so hard on yourself... breathe! Everything will work out.
Enjoy every second you got.
Fight for what you believe in.
You are not a failure.
No one can take away your innocence.
You are perfect just the way you are.
Your self-esteem is not based on how cool you are, rather how you feel about yourself.
Cherish every part of yourself including your own personality and uniqueness.
What you see in the mirror or read on the scale, should never dictate your day.
Be yourself always.
You can be anything you want to be; your heart is big and welcomes all.
You are healthy and strong - pimples and 'flaws' are part of the growing pains that are normal.
You don't need to belong to a click, to make you feel you belong in life.

Sincerely,
Older Me

This is a video that has inspired me to write words of wisdom to myself. I saw this video at a Massachusetts General Hospital (MGH) seminar about Eating Disorders.I had to share this because it has inspired me. May this inspire all of you:

Barriers to Treatment

     Lately, I have been hearing about a wide-spread media coverage on the heroin crisis. I often ask myself, how and why it's so hard to recover. What are the barriers to treatment? From a first person perspective, one whom has been in recovery with an Eating Disorder, there are so many reasons that can be close to impossible at times. There are so many internal and external barriers to treatment.

     One of the biggest internal barriers to treatment is the readiness and the ability to seek help. It takes a lot of courage to admit that what may have been working at one time, is no longer working anymore. Sometimes it can feel like a sense of defeat; a sign of weakness. But in actuality, the opposite is true! It takes strength, bravery, and courage to admit something has to change before it's too late. Realizing this can be very hard and can be a different way of thinking for someone struggling so much.

     Often, when people suffer with the notion of seeking help, they have burned a lot of bridges. We can be such master manipulators when we are in the thralls of our disease. We tell people what they want to hear but do the complete opposite. We burn bridges that have been built once with trust. We often struggle with the ability to keep close, real friendships and often don't trust anyone. A very key component to recovery is a strong support system. Building healthy relationships again can be so hard, but it's a very important part of treatment.

     Once, one is faced with needing or wanting to seek help, the availability of treatment facilities can be non-existent. They are stressed to the maximum and there are waiting lists too. Then you are faced with another external barrier such as INSURANCE. One may or may not have insurance, which leads to the ability to pay. Insurance companies dictate your length of stay, often leaving people to be discharged to soon. People may be sober,"not-using" or eating healthy at time of discharge but the skills to recover are non-existent when thrown back to the same environment. A tight network of supports, treatment providers, and will-power is needed before discharge. Often, people don't get that in a few days stay. People are discharged way to soon once they are "stabilized." often there are not enough skills in place to help one fight the battle. The comfort zone is still strong and leads to a false sense of failure.

     Does it sound impossible to recover at times? The internal and external barriers seem overwhelmingly high, but the answer is no. The revolving door syndrome may happen multiple times during your recovery where you go in and out of facilities and treatments, but it is always a forward motion. Recovery is two steps forward and one step backwards. Having patience, understanding, and knowing relapse happens can be key to recovery. I never recovered in one stay in a hospital. The battle is every day and can seem like failure to others. Educating yourself and understanding the course of recovery can be very helpful to one who is struggling.

     May it be a heroin crisis or any addiction, loved ones need to take the time to educate him or herself and have lots of patience, Sometimes, tough love is needed while other times it is not. Open your hands and heart to realize that it's a process. Tragically it all can end in death. For those of you struggling, please know you are not alone. Recovery is possible.

Often life seems impossible

even when it's possible.

Know you are not alone

even when you feel lost.

Take the time to listen

and follow your heart.

-A.N.T.

Taking a Leap of Hope

It was a scary day for me but I knew something had to change in my life. A revolving door swung me through the beginning of a journey; living life. My journey with life with an Eating Disorder (E.D.) was about to become non-existent at Walden Hospital in Waltham, MA. It was the year of 2002 when I fearfully entered through that revolving door. Thirteen years later, I still struggle with recovery but am living life free from E.D. every day more and more.

     I was at my breaking point at the age of twenty-two. I was exhausted. I was petrified of change and of the unknown. My friends and family were expressing their concerns and even willing to have me committed. “I was fine,” I often tried to explain to everyone. It took all my strength to counteract all the demons in my head and seek help from professionals. My journey that day was one of the scariest moments in my life but most relieving at the same time.

     In Walden Hospital, I trusted no one and was in extreme denial of my Eating Disorder. I felt all I needed to do was learn how to eat. “I don’t have an Eating Disorder,” I would often argue with everyone. I was angry, untrusting, and ambivalent to accepting the help I sought. As the refeeding progress slowly started, I was becoming more coherent in my decision making. I was able to start to understand that I was struggling with an Eating Disorder. I began to let go of E.D.; the control it had over me. My days in the hospital were very tough and not easy, but I knew life was better than life with E.D., I had a glimmer of hope.

     My days in Walden Hospital was a struggle at times but all the patients, professionals, family, and friends provided me with hope. I started to not feel alone as I began to take part in my own recovery. The more I began to be part of my own treatment and life, the stronger I became. Don’t get me wrong, at the beginning I was angry at everyone and denied myself treatment. I was beyond ambivalent. I was scared, but it was the little voice inside me that walked through that revolving door that kept me alive.
          Over ten years later, I still am in recovery from E.D., but I know that one day I will be recovered, free from E.D. I now believe freedom from E.D. is possible. I may not be fully recovered but I do consider myself much happier and healthier. Currently, I am living my life to its fullest with bumps along my road to recovery. May we all know we are not alone in our struggles on the road of life? I write this blog entry with hope that it will instill hope in you and touch your soul. May we all find our true selves!

-A.N.T.

How to be a Hero/Heroine with an Eating Disorder.

     I reflect on my past, asking myself what I missed out on in life with an eating disorder (E.D.). This is what I reflected on. I missed out on reality. Life with love. I pushed people away and was comfortably numbed out; high on life. An eating disorder pushed me through life of restriction and over exercising. I lived in fear of the unknown. Every day was centered on the number on the scale and how many miles I ran that day. Every ounce of nourishment was counted in calories and dictated my own self-worth. Ultimately, I felt I was untouchable to everyone that came into my life. I was impulsively, uncontrollable at the time. I was driven by perfection and in a constant state of a delusional reality; trying to run from my past and jump into my future. I was a walking zombie, screaming for help on the inside. Finally, my breaking point had come knocking on my door.

     My breaking point was knowing that life was not meant to be lived like this. I was lying to people and myself. I was running away from reality. I was exhausted. My body was frail and dying. I did not know exactly what at the time, but something had to change before it was too late. It was the support of other's voices of reason and the total exhaustion into near death that led me to seek help. I had reached a breaking point and I knew I did not want to live like this anymore. I needed help.

    Once, I accepted the fact I was in recovery from an eating disorder and needed help, I began to live life. I still struggle to this day. The unhealthy behaviors may be non-existent for the most part, but the negative thought process still lingers on. I struggle with the thoughts of accepting myself in my own skin and clothes. When E.D. is talking loud in my head, I feel insecure and lost amongst myself. I try my best now to ask myself "what's really happening in my life?" Often I tell myself that these thoughts are not real and they will pass too. Then I focus on reality and struggles of everyday life instead of E.D. Certainly, it is not easy but I know that I want to live a life fully recovered; free from E.D. That fact alone keeps me focused on recovery.

     The more and more I focus on recovery, the more I live my life as the real me. My thoughts are clearer. My concentration levels are higher, I'm not in a constant state of deprivation and numbness to reality. I feel every emotion and embrace them all. My self-worth, confidence, and thought processes are not tainted by E.D. I have learned to live life without E.D. as I got older. I have developed self-respect and a sense of self-worth. Communication and assertiveness became a cornerstone to my recovery. Learning the difference between the two and the end results of each one are very important, I learned along the way, with much trial and error, that I am 'perfect' just the way I am. May we all be heroes/heroines in our own eyes!

Patient and Family Resource Center - Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston, MA

Come Join me and Others for a Seminar in Boston,MA on June 13th :)

 

Click the Link Below to register:

Patient and Family Resource Center - Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston, MA

Agenda

9:15am | Check-in

10:00am |  Welcome and Introduction: Kamryn T. Eddy, PhD, Jennifer J. Thomas, PhD

10:30am |  Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Bulimia Nervosa and Binge Eating Disorder: Jennifer J. Thomas, PhD

11:00am |  Questions and Answers

11:15am |  Family-Based Treatment for Child and Adolescent Anorexia Nervosa: Kamryn T. Eddy, PhD

11:45am |  Preventing Eating Disorders: Teen Mentorship Program Spotlight: Teen Mentors & Emily K. Gray, MD

12:00pm |  Lunch

1:00pm |  Patient and Family Panel: Emily K. Gray, MD

2:00pm |  Questions and Answers

2:15pm |  Long-Term Eating Disorder Recovery: Debra L. Franko, PhD

2:45pm |  Questions and Answers

3:00pm |  Neurobiology and Future Research Directions: Elizabeth A. Lawson, MD, MMSc

3:30pm |  Questions and Answers

3:30pm |  Program Adjourns

- A.N.T.

Barriers to Healing

     What I learned from fracturing a bone in my foot, it takes time to mend. However, healing emotional scars and wounds can take time to mend too. They are harder to see because they are invisible and internal, which makes them easier to ignore or deny altogether. The hardest part of coping with emotional pain, is facing it. When you don't face it, things can go array.

     When I was running away from my emotional pain, I became numb. I "stuffed" my feelings and emotions into a deep dark hole. I found artificial, unhealthy solace in an eating disorder (E.D.) at the time. I became so numbed that death was knocking on my door. At the time, I didn't know exactly what, but something had to change in my life. I didn't want to die.

     Change can involve the fear of the unknown. Change can be a step outside your "comfort-zone." It takes insight knowing that what may have worked before is not working anymore. But what makes change so difficult? Why does it feel so uncomfortable at the time? Here are some of the thoughts and barriers that I faced:

• Letting go of what is "familiar" can be scary. I could fail.
• Why rock the boat? It's easier to keep things the way they are.
• I"m fearful that people may reject the "new" me.
• I'm angry that I "have to" change.
• Why can't I stay the way I am?
• It's overwhelming when I think about all that it takes to "get better."
• I may lose people who might not be healthy for me.
• Who am I without "E.D.?"
• Last but not least, change can suck in the moment!

   
     The biggest part to realize with change is that the coping mechanisms we use to separate ourselves from all the suffering of emotional pain themselves become barriers to healing. Such can be true with an E.D. because you are blocking out the emotional pain by distracting with food and body image preoccupations. The biggest hurdle is stopping the cycle and realizing enough is enough. The first step to change is realization that what may "have worked" before is no longer working anymore. Once, you take that step, the healing process can begin.

-A.N.T.

How Not to Plant Herbs

     My new project with my partner for this upcoming spring was planting some herbs. Well, lets just say that starting something from a little seed is much harder than I thought. It takes patience and a lot of education, but I took the experimental route instead. I take failure and disappointment with a grain of salt for this next project.

     I truly did not know what I was getting myself into. In the past, I would of called my self stupid and a failure  for not succeeding, but this time I see it as an adventure; a strength. It was a total experiment I was willing to try out. I decided that I would learn a new craft and skill the hard way. So, with that said, I learned a lot about how to NOT plant herbs.  I did not fail, instead I gained a great deal of knowledge on what not to do the next time!

     Here's what I got to say to you all from my planting experience, don't be scared and make sure and try it for yourself. I may have the non-greenest thumbs around, but I refused to give up. Here is what I learned:

- Fertilizer: Not only do you need great fertilizer but you also need to feed the little seedlings with nutrients. DONT JUST WATER, give them a fertilizer too.

- Sunlight: Ample sunlight for all the little seedlings is a must. A table near a window does not constitute adequate sunlight. Herbs require direct sunlight.

- Fungus: Let this be known I could go off on a tangent about this, but I won't. Fungus is NOT a good sign unless you are growing mushrooms :) Too much moisture will create fungus.

- Watering: This is more of a science than an art I learned. Just because you think they are drying up doesn't mean to continue to water them multiple times. If the soil sticks to your fingers it is moist enough.

- Seeding: Plant a couple of seeds per cell. Just because you got a packet of seeds doesn't mean to plant them all in one or two cells, spread out the seeds. The overcrowding of to many seeds leads to death of the herb.

- Placement : Once you get the go ahead to place the herbs outside (after the last frost), do not place them on a railing two floors up. They are bound to be blown over.... our whole project ended today by a gust of wind that took over our creations.

I chuckle with the entire experience. Better luck next year to us :-)

-A.N.T.