Taking a Leap of Hope

It was a scary day for me but I knew something had to change in my life. A revolving door swung me through the beginning of a journey; living life. My journey with life with an Eating Disorder (E.D.) was about to become non-existent at Walden Hospital in Waltham, MA. It was the year of 2002 when I fearfully entered through that revolving door. Thirteen years later, I still struggle with recovery but am living life free from E.D. every day more and more.

     I was at my breaking point at the age of twenty-two. I was exhausted. I was petrified of change and of the unknown. My friends and family were expressing their concerns and even willing to have me committed. “I was fine,” I often tried to explain to everyone. It took all my strength to counteract all the demons in my head and seek help from professionals. My journey that day was one of the scariest moments in my life but most relieving at the same time.

     In Walden Hospital, I trusted no one and was in extreme denial of my Eating Disorder. I felt all I needed to do was learn how to eat. “I don’t have an Eating Disorder,” I would often argue with everyone. I was angry, untrusting, and ambivalent to accepting the help I sought. As the refeeding progress slowly started, I was becoming more coherent in my decision making. I was able to start to understand that I was struggling with an Eating Disorder. I began to let go of E.D.; the control it had over me. My days in the hospital were very tough and not easy, but I knew life was better than life with E.D., I had a glimmer of hope.

     My days in Walden Hospital was a struggle at times but all the patients, professionals, family, and friends provided me with hope. I started to not feel alone as I began to take part in my own recovery. The more I began to be part of my own treatment and life, the stronger I became. Don’t get me wrong, at the beginning I was angry at everyone and denied myself treatment. I was beyond ambivalent. I was scared, but it was the little voice inside me that walked through that revolving door that kept me alive.
          Over ten years later, I still am in recovery from E.D., but I know that one day I will be recovered, free from E.D. I now believe freedom from E.D. is possible. I may not be fully recovered but I do consider myself much happier and healthier. Currently, I am living my life to its fullest with bumps along my road to recovery. May we all know we are not alone in our struggles on the road of life? I write this blog entry with hope that it will instill hope in you and touch your soul. May we all find our true selves!

-A.N.T.

How to be a Hero/Heroine with an Eating Disorder.

     I reflect on my past, asking myself what I missed out on in life with an eating disorder (E.D.). This is what I reflected on. I missed out on reality. Life with love. I pushed people away and was comfortably numbed out; high on life. An eating disorder pushed me through life of restriction and over exercising. I lived in fear of the unknown. Every day was centered on the number on the scale and how many miles I ran that day. Every ounce of nourishment was counted in calories and dictated my own self-worth. Ultimately, I felt I was untouchable to everyone that came into my life. I was impulsively, uncontrollable at the time. I was driven by perfection and in a constant state of a delusional reality; trying to run from my past and jump into my future. I was a walking zombie, screaming for help on the inside. Finally, my breaking point had come knocking on my door.

     My breaking point was knowing that life was not meant to be lived like this. I was lying to people and myself. I was running away from reality. I was exhausted. My body was frail and dying. I did not know exactly what at the time, but something had to change before it was too late. It was the support of other's voices of reason and the total exhaustion into near death that led me to seek help. I had reached a breaking point and I knew I did not want to live like this anymore. I needed help.

    Once, I accepted the fact I was in recovery from an eating disorder and needed help, I began to live life. I still struggle to this day. The unhealthy behaviors may be non-existent for the most part, but the negative thought process still lingers on. I struggle with the thoughts of accepting myself in my own skin and clothes. When E.D. is talking loud in my head, I feel insecure and lost amongst myself. I try my best now to ask myself "what's really happening in my life?" Often I tell myself that these thoughts are not real and they will pass too. Then I focus on reality and struggles of everyday life instead of E.D. Certainly, it is not easy but I know that I want to live a life fully recovered; free from E.D. That fact alone keeps me focused on recovery.

     The more and more I focus on recovery, the more I live my life as the real me. My thoughts are clearer. My concentration levels are higher, I'm not in a constant state of deprivation and numbness to reality. I feel every emotion and embrace them all. My self-worth, confidence, and thought processes are not tainted by E.D. I have learned to live life without E.D. as I got older. I have developed self-respect and a sense of self-worth. Communication and assertiveness became a cornerstone to my recovery. Learning the difference between the two and the end results of each one are very important, I learned along the way, with much trial and error, that I am 'perfect' just the way I am. May we all be heroes/heroines in our own eyes!

Patient and Family Resource Center - Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston, MA

Come Join me and Others for a Seminar in Boston,MA on June 13th :)

 

Click the Link Below to register:

Patient and Family Resource Center - Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston, MA

Agenda

9:15am | Check-in

10:00am |  Welcome and Introduction: Kamryn T. Eddy, PhD, Jennifer J. Thomas, PhD

10:30am |  Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Bulimia Nervosa and Binge Eating Disorder: Jennifer J. Thomas, PhD

11:00am |  Questions and Answers

11:15am |  Family-Based Treatment for Child and Adolescent Anorexia Nervosa: Kamryn T. Eddy, PhD

11:45am |  Preventing Eating Disorders: Teen Mentorship Program Spotlight: Teen Mentors & Emily K. Gray, MD

12:00pm |  Lunch

1:00pm |  Patient and Family Panel: Emily K. Gray, MD

2:00pm |  Questions and Answers

2:15pm |  Long-Term Eating Disorder Recovery: Debra L. Franko, PhD

2:45pm |  Questions and Answers

3:00pm |  Neurobiology and Future Research Directions: Elizabeth A. Lawson, MD, MMSc

3:30pm |  Questions and Answers

3:30pm |  Program Adjourns

- A.N.T.

Barriers to Healing

     What I learned from fracturing a bone in my foot, it takes time to mend. However, healing emotional scars and wounds can take time to mend too. They are harder to see because they are invisible and internal, which makes them easier to ignore or deny altogether. The hardest part of coping with emotional pain, is facing it. When you don't face it, things can go array.

     When I was running away from my emotional pain, I became numb. I "stuffed" my feelings and emotions into a deep dark hole. I found artificial, unhealthy solace in an eating disorder (E.D.) at the time. I became so numbed that death was knocking on my door. At the time, I didn't know exactly what, but something had to change in my life. I didn't want to die.

     Change can involve the fear of the unknown. Change can be a step outside your "comfort-zone." It takes insight knowing that what may have worked before is not working anymore. But what makes change so difficult? Why does it feel so uncomfortable at the time? Here are some of the thoughts and barriers that I faced:

• Letting go of what is "familiar" can be scary. I could fail.
• Why rock the boat? It's easier to keep things the way they are.
• I"m fearful that people may reject the "new" me.
• I'm angry that I "have to" change.
• Why can't I stay the way I am?
• It's overwhelming when I think about all that it takes to "get better."
• I may lose people who might not be healthy for me.
• Who am I without "E.D.?"
• Last but not least, change can suck in the moment!

   
     The biggest part to realize with change is that the coping mechanisms we use to separate ourselves from all the suffering of emotional pain themselves become barriers to healing. Such can be true with an E.D. because you are blocking out the emotional pain by distracting with food and body image preoccupations. The biggest hurdle is stopping the cycle and realizing enough is enough. The first step to change is realization that what may "have worked" before is no longer working anymore. Once, you take that step, the healing process can begin.

-A.N.T.

How Not to Plant Herbs

     My new project with my partner for this upcoming spring was planting some herbs. Well, lets just say that starting something from a little seed is much harder than I thought. It takes patience and a lot of education, but I took the experimental route instead. I take failure and disappointment with a grain of salt for this next project.

     I truly did not know what I was getting myself into. In the past, I would of called my self stupid and a failure  for not succeeding, but this time I see it as an adventure; a strength. It was a total experiment I was willing to try out. I decided that I would learn a new craft and skill the hard way. So, with that said, I learned a lot about how to NOT plant herbs.  I did not fail, instead I gained a great deal of knowledge on what not to do the next time!

     Here's what I got to say to you all from my planting experience, don't be scared and make sure and try it for yourself. I may have the non-greenest thumbs around, but I refused to give up. Here is what I learned:

- Fertilizer: Not only do you need great fertilizer but you also need to feed the little seedlings with nutrients. DONT JUST WATER, give them a fertilizer too.

- Sunlight: Ample sunlight for all the little seedlings is a must. A table near a window does not constitute adequate sunlight. Herbs require direct sunlight.

- Fungus: Let this be known I could go off on a tangent about this, but I won't. Fungus is NOT a good sign unless you are growing mushrooms :) Too much moisture will create fungus.

- Watering: This is more of a science than an art I learned. Just because you think they are drying up doesn't mean to continue to water them multiple times. If the soil sticks to your fingers it is moist enough.

- Seeding: Plant a couple of seeds per cell. Just because you got a packet of seeds doesn't mean to plant them all in one or two cells, spread out the seeds. The overcrowding of to many seeds leads to death of the herb.

- Placement : Once you get the go ahead to place the herbs outside (after the last frost), do not place them on a railing two floors up. They are bound to be blown over.... our whole project ended today by a gust of wind that took over our creations.

I chuckle with the entire experience. Better luck next year to us :-)

-A.N.T.

Get Up Now :)

I could of gave up then

but it wasn't my when

time was ticking fast

and I knew it wouldn't last

I had to get up now.

I would of gave up then

but it wasn't my when

the sun was setting today

and I knew I couldn't delay

I had to get up now.

I thought to give up then

but it wasn't my when

my feet stood proud and strong

and I knew it wouldn't be long

I had to get up now.

I didn't give up then

because it wasn't my when

I picked my shoulders up

I refused to cover up

I got up now!

-A.N.T.

Affirmations by A.N.T. to Inspire all.

• You must walk through the mud to get to the clear water
• When I get lost; I live in the here and now of reality
• May we all be survivors!
• I don't regret I live and learn.
• May we all find ourselves along the journey of life!
• Where there is life, there is hope.
• Today was a day of sorrow. A day of loss. A door closed. A door opened. 
• Change doesn't come in nickels and dimes. It comes in dedication and sweat.
• Sadness flies away on the wings of time.
• You can only do one thing at a time. You're only one person.
• My inner voice loves me for me.
• My worst days in recovery are better than the best days in relapse.
• The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
• All the pain and suffering within oneself cannot be measured by a number on the scale!
• It takes a million steps to reach failure, but only one step forward to start to succeed.
• May you thank yourself or someone else for life today too!
• May you still treat your body with love when faced with illness...
• Being rich with love is better than wealth...
• Hope is seeing that there is light despite all of the darkness.
• It's by tiny steps that we shall all ascend to the stars.
• Gain strength, courage, & confidence through every experience in which you look fear in the face.
• Stay Strong: Achieve the Unachievable!
• Following a path of self-destruction leads to a life of misery.
• When life catches you up, grab it by the horns, and ride out the adventure!
• Step outside the confines of your comfort zone!
• Dare to live your life at the moment, freeing yourself from inner pain.

-A.N.T.