Ultimate Goals: Then

     Recently, I was dusting off my milkcrate of E.D. (eating disorder) recovery tools and old journals that I saved throughout my years of recovery. I had stumbled across this piece of paper called my "Ultimate Goals":

   

     It was May 04, 2004 and I sat in my therapist's office. I reached over and handed over a piece of paper that I created for my future goals.  It was like a written contract between my treatment providers and I for my recovery. At the time, I had been on my road to recovery for approximately two years. The contract helped me stay focused on recovery and life throughout the earlier years.

     In the beginning years, E.D. was still playing a very strong role throughout my life. I look at my goals from ago and realize food, weight, and exercise was the focus of my goals. Mood monitors, meal planning,  food records, weekly weigh-ins, and extensive treatment amongst providers was a strong emphasis on my road to recovery at the time. My road has had several bumps along my path and my goals have changed throughout the years.

     It's now February 21, 2014, close to 10 years later, that I reflect on my progress and current goals on my path of recovery.  It took me finding this contract to realize how far I have come. I have realized that I'm much further along on my road to recovery. I take a moment to stop and acknowledge my strides I've taken on my road. My current goals differ from ten years ago that's for sure. May you all accept right where you are at in life now.

-A.N.T.

(Stay-tuned for Ultimate Goals: Now)

Achieve the Unachievable!

It may be a struggle

Upon that steep mountain

And even be hurtful.

Some of the hills will be unbearable

While some will remain easy.

But just remember its all achievable.

Times will come of denial

And full of hopelessness 

But keep trying because one is able.

Able to face defeat

And courageously continue on

You will over come with each feet.

Take the tools you know

And use them to guide you

While you ascend tiptoe.

It may all seem unbelievable

But you will journey along

To achieve the unachievable!

-A.N.T.

(Written on April 29, 2011)

Set-Backs

Faced with change. Faced with the fear of the unknown. It's one step forward, two steps backwards at times. How does one cope with illness, death, or any sudden change? Change can be good and bad, all at the same time. Change in the moment can be devastating and life altering.

How do I deal with change? There's an urge to revert back to my childhood/teenager ways, better known as E.D. (eating disorder), to help me cope.  I feel the need to gain a sense of control of the situation by restricting calories, jumping on a scale to help reinforce my self-disgust, and fixating my mind on food. The false sense of a high that I get from focusing on a number is unexplainable at times. In turn, my mind is numbed out from the reality of sudden change. Where do I end up, two-steps backwards, one step forward in life? How do I continue on the forward motion of a roller coaster of a ride through life? It's simple, right, "just eat?"

Well, it's never that simple for me, otherwise, this blog wouldn't exist. What has helped me through the dark days and keeps me focused on life?  I owe a lot of thanks to a lot of people but that's too come. It's a loaded question, "what has helped me?" Well,things have changed throughout my recovery with E.D. with several accomplishments and set-backs that have put me right where I am at in life now.

Several things have helped me throughout my road to recovery. In the beginning, after a year of in-patient treatment, I kept extensive daily food logs. I planned out every meal with a weekly meal plan. I had a very extensive, tight-knit network of treatment providers that included a psychotherapist, psychiatrist, primary care physician, nutritionist, and group-therapist. Having a network of providers and a strong support system of friends and family is pertinent to my recovery.

I can remember how the thought of food shopping was a panic-stricken ordeal to me. The thought of having to face all my fears, trust in my treatment providers, and let go of control was very frightening. Eventually it became a way of life, a non-frightening habit to me.

Journalling has been and still plays a major role in my recovery. Poetry writing and blogging came later in my recovery, which has become a very therapeutic outlet for me. The places I've gone, the accomplishments I've made, have all shaped me into the healthy-woman I strive to be every day.


-A.N.T.

Tangled Web

To be tangled in a web

lost amongst the stars

feeling my heart beating hard.

Fleeing from my past

running towards my future

leaving behind my present.

Turning towards hope

wishing for the best

believing in one's self.

Knowing life can be lived

free from a tangled web

willing to live life now.

-A.N.T.

The New Price is Right...

The NEW Price is Right!

The Price is Right originally aired in 1956, hosted by Bill Cullen. It was later aired as The New Price is Right in 1972, hosted by the one and only, Bob Barker. It ran one hour per day, five days per week on national television. For many youngsters, it meant that a sick day home from school would go by that much faster. Time would stop and not a peep would be made because THE PRICE IS RIGHT was on!!!

It is always wonderful to let time pass, no worries in the way. It's like losing yourself and letting things run its course. It's not often enough that I or perhaps you, stop to enjoy the simple pleasures in life every day. It took me a lot of practice and patience to sit and enjoy the moment. There is nothing worse than fighting the demons of the mind.

Originally, my demons paused for the show Punky Brewster, then disappeared until my late teens when New york Undercover and E.R aired on Thursday evenings. Then the mind-numbing continued with Dawson's Creek. But the one true-blue show that has stuck with me through it all is The Price is Right.

The day finally came, I went to the showing of The Price is Right. It was more like a road trip via bus through Santa Monica and an overnight stay in a youth Hostel. Finally. I made it to the show. It was a dream come true. I did not make it on the show that day, but it did not matter to me. I was just so happy to be there. At the time, I was severely grappling with E.D., but it was the glimpses of reality and hope that kept me alive. It was the travails of every day life that kept me fighting through every day!

May you all find your inner peace and time spent each week or day to relax and let time pass.
May today bring the best out in you :)

-A.N.T.

You Can Afford to Eat More...

     It is the new year, right? Diets are in full swing and body image takes on a life of its own for many people. Some of us are disappointed in our self-image, distorted or not. We wish the reflection in the mirror didn't show the "imperfections" of our self-image. Man or woman, we all have our struggles in the journey of life. It may not be the reflection in the mirror, the dimple on your butt cheek, or the fold of your stomach over your jeans; It can be the simple thought of regret. The regret in yourself and how you brought yourself to where you are at in life. For the eating disordered, the true question can teeter between food and how your size can dictate your path in life?

     With an eating disorder, life can seem so focused on a number on the scale. Hour by hour, you can jump on a scale and let it determine your self-worth. Tragedy can strike; death can pass; but what all you know is a number on the scale. Your thoughts are strung together by food! Let it be the purging of, the stuffing of, or the restricting of food that numbs you out completely. Either way, food can be our worst enemy. It can seem so simple, "just eat" to others. It can be a no-brainer to take on life's challenges and face our fears, but how does it become so? This seems to be a more philosophical question that has many unanswered questions and views to many.  So today I let the question fester, perhaps stir up a thought or two. Please do know I am here. To listen and guide you in your light among your path of life.

     Today, I offer support to others. I don't ever endorse another page or blog, but I am making an exception to my rules to help give insight to the lost:

http://www.adiosbarbie.com/2012/11/five-ways-to-support-a-loved-one-in-eating-disorder-recovery/


Yours truly,
-A.N.T

Best Friends!

     Everyone has a best friend, right? A friend that guides you, listens to you and lends you a hand? That tells you the truth and lets you know how they feel. They help accentuate your strengths and support your goals in life. They stand by your side through thick or thin. What if I told you my best friend at a particular time in my life was not that?

     I HAD a best friend, his name was E.D.! He told me how I looked, held my hand through all my fears, and told me how I could live my life perfectly. He gave me "strength" and "hope" throughout my dark years. He was a "real" fashion designer too. He told me what to wear, how to wear it, and even was truthful when I looked too fat! He helped dictate my days by the number on the scale. He helped me count every calorie that went down my throat. He was a "true blue" friend, so I thought.

     It took several years, a decade, to accept what a "true blue" friend meant to me. It took death knocking at my door to realize that a "true blue" friend does not ultimately kill you. A real "true blue" friend accepts you for who you are, supports your life goals, and guides you through the maze of life. I did not find that in my toxic friend, E.D.(Eating Disorder)! He may have been there to lend a hand, to reinforce my demons in my head, but I realized that my Eating Disorder was a "true blue" friend to me.

     Who is a "true blue" friend to me? Who guides me, listens to me, and lends me their hand? Well, several people have impacted me throughout my years. One person that sticks out in my mind exemplifies my best qualities: my Mom. She has always helped me along the way in my life. No matter what it was, a hand reached out to help me over the cliff. Don't get me wrong, we had our differences in life at a younger age, but she never gave up on me. Perhaps, it was her silence, maybe it was her sternness, maybe it was her humor, perhaps it was her love that helped to structure me throughout life. Whatever it may be, it always has helped guide me throughout the travails of life while I discover myself. So, thank you, Mom, for guiding me through the light, standing by my side through the thick or thin.

May you all thank your best friends today for giving you light!

-A.N.T.