You Can Afford to Eat More...

     It is the new year, right? Diets are in full swing and body image takes on a life of its own for many people. Some of us are disappointed in our self-image, distorted or not. We wish the reflection in the mirror didn't show the "imperfections" of our self-image. Man or woman, we all have our struggles in the journey of life. It may not be the reflection in the mirror, the dimple on your butt cheek, or the fold of your stomach over your jeans; It can be the simple thought of regret. The regret in yourself and how you brought yourself to where you are at in life. For the eating disordered, the true question can teeter between food and how your size can dictate your path in life?

     With an eating disorder, life can seem so focused on a number on the scale. Hour by hour, you can jump on a scale and let it determine your self-worth. Tragedy can strike; death can pass; but what all you know is a number on the scale. Your thoughts are strung together by food! Let it be the purging of, the stuffing of, or the restricting of food that numbs you out completely. Either way, food can be our worst enemy. It can seem so simple, "just eat" to others. It can be a no-brainer to take on life's challenges and face our fears, but how does it become so? This seems to be a more philosophical question that has many unanswered questions and views to many.  So today I let the question fester, perhaps stir up a thought or two. Please do know I am here. To listen and guide you in your light among your path of life.

     Today, I offer support to others. I don't ever endorse another page or blog, but I am making an exception to my rules to help give insight to the lost:

http://www.adiosbarbie.com/2012/11/five-ways-to-support-a-loved-one-in-eating-disorder-recovery/


Yours truly,
-A.N.T

Best Friends!

     Everyone has a best friend, right? A friend that guides you, listens to you and lends you a hand? That tells you the truth and lets you know how they feel. They help accentuate your strengths and support your goals in life. They stand by your side through thick or thin. What if I told you my best friend at a particular time in my life was not that?

     I HAD a best friend, his name was E.D.! He told me how I looked, held my hand through all my fears, and told me how I could live my life perfectly. He gave me "strength" and "hope" throughout my dark years. He was a "real" fashion designer too. He told me what to wear, how to wear it, and even was truthful when I looked too fat! He helped dictate my days by the number on the scale. He helped me count every calorie that went down my throat. He was a "true blue" friend, so I thought.

     It took several years, a decade, to accept what a "true blue" friend meant to me. It took death knocking at my door to realize that a "true blue" friend does not ultimately kill you. A real "true blue" friend accepts you for who you are, supports your life goals, and guides you through the maze of life. I did not find that in my toxic friend, E.D.(Eating Disorder)! He may have been there to lend a hand, to reinforce my demons in my head, but I realized that my Eating Disorder was a "true blue" friend to me.

     Who is a "true blue" friend to me? Who guides me, listens to me, and lends me their hand? Well, several people have impacted me throughout my years. One person that sticks out in my mind exemplifies my best qualities: my Mom. She has always helped me along the way in my life. No matter what it was, a hand reached out to help me over the cliff. Don't get me wrong, we had our differences in life at a younger age, but she never gave up on me. Perhaps, it was her silence, maybe it was her sternness, maybe it was her humor, perhaps it was her love that helped to structure me throughout life. Whatever it may be, it always has helped guide me throughout the travails of life while I discover myself. So, thank you, Mom, for guiding me through the light, standing by my side through the thick or thin.

May you all thank your best friends today for giving you light!

-A.N.T.

2013 Needs a Review?

Review Time?

I sat in front of my computer thinking, "what if I really recapped the year of 2013?" I always thought the number "13" was a lucky number; contrary to belief. If you asked me at the beginning of the year, I would throw my towel in and believe that my "lucky 13" was a fraud. 

I can think of several events and turning points in my path of life throughout two-thousand and thirteen, but I am not sure I want to relive the disgraceful moments. Yes, we all learn from our mistakes and grow from them. However; I did slide down a slippery slope while, I almost lost myself forever in the wrath of another. Everything was spiralling out of control and I had just about lost myself. 

I remember the day, it was a Sunday afternoon. I was "allowed" to visit an important person, my Dad! It had been a very long time overdue. Hesitantly, I met with my dad, knowing that a deep conversation was about to be had. We talked about happiness. It was then that I acknowledged, I made a huge mistake in the start of the year of 2013. I faced all my fears, grabbed all my courage, and listened to the same voice; the same little voice of  "Ariane" that had led me thru the revolving door in 2002. Courageously, I packed all my bags and left my turbulent life that I was living at the time.

I entered through a new revolving door for the first time. A door that gave me light and hope. I reconnected with friends and family as I travelled throughout 2013. I did a lot of self-discovery. I even discovered the true meaning of love with someone else that's so special to me. I am thankful more than ever for the year 2013! I knew it was always a lucky "13" to me!

Time to make change

even if things feel strange.

Rearrange your own map

and don't worry if things overlap.

Face all your fears

that your developed through the years.

Choose your own path

despite what could be the aftermath.

Fearing the unknown

can lead you to be alone.

So, face two-thousand fourteen

and make sure to wear your sunscreen.

Happy New Year to you all!!!

May 2014 bring love and joy!!!

-A.N.T.

Never Say Never

Insanity vs. HUMANITY

When the tough gets rough

you hafta say enough.

Pick up your pieces to the puzzle

and put your past in a muzzle.

Don't wait till it's too late

and life is lost in fate.

Don't lose your turn in the game of life

nor end it with the tip of the knife.

Stand-up! Fight thru the fright

take freedom with all your might.

Face your reflection in the mirror

and know things will be clearer.

If you lose yourself in the process

and start to suppress,

take your liberty and raise a fist

even if you need to get pissed.

So, when the path gets tough,

continue moving thru your stuff,

knowing there's an end to the insanity.

You are amongst all of humanity.

-A.N.T.

Happy Holidays to you all!

Yours Truly,

Ariane N. Theriault

Time stamped!!!

I rub my eyes of all its sleepies. I wake-up in a pool of sweat and look around the room. I wonder where I am and how I got here.

It's been so long since I have entertained the idea of blogging again. Time elapsed. Events unfolded. Mistakes were made and learned from along the way. My life was dark, lonely, and about to spiral out of control. My self-image was non-existent and foreign to me as I stared into the mirror. "Who was I?" "Who have I become?" "How did I lose myself and my self-respect?" "Where did I veer off the course of life?" Questions began to bombard my brain. I knew everything was not right and had to change.

Change is what needed to happen. Change is exactly what happened. I faced my greatest fear and ended things for once and for all. I was given the gift of life again, a second chance at living. I was shown the light and treated with love. I was listened too, heard, and respected for the first time ever. I realized what it means to be living life once and for all.

I stamp this time in my life as happy, lucky, and full of true love. The meaning of life has knocked on my door and I have answered. ED was not the intruder nor was the path of self-destruction. Thank you all for showing and guiding me towards the light in my life.

-A.N.T.

Caged...

Trapped in despair

with all my fears

not a place to call your own.

Lost amidst sea

just wanting to flee

not a place to call my own.

Stricten with tears

throughout all these years

not a place to call our own.

Panicked with fear

without being able to bare

not a place to call her own.

Angered by pain

struggling to be sane

not a place to call their own.

Saddened afloat sorrow

wanting it to be tomorrow

not a place to call your own.

-A.N.T.

You're not a number!!!

Today, I wanted to jump on the scale and see what I was today for a weight; a number (luckily I don't own one)!!! How many times a day do you obsess about your weight? Maybe it is never, but to someone who has a monkey on their back called E.D. (eating disorder) there seems to be no rest for the weary.

The refeeding process can be so overwhelming. You go from a size XX to a size XX in a couple of months. It is not about how healthy you have become, but the number that appears on that scale or a new pair of jeans you have to buy. The constant feeling of bloating and disgust. The feeling that everyone is staring at you in utter hatred. It all seems so overwhelming in the moment, but it is an illusion of the mind.

I have talked about "facing out" at the doctor's office before but I have not explained what it means. Well, it is when you go to your doctor's office and turn your back away from the scale instead of facing it and seeing "the number!" It's letting go of control for me. I may have to cut numbers out of my pants and shorts so, I don't dwell in the morning about my size and shape, but I know I am beautiful just the way I am.

Remember you too are not a number!!!

-A.N.T.