Today, I wanted to jump on the scale and see what I was today for a weight; a number (luckily I don't own one)!!! How many times a day do you obsess about your weight? Maybe it is never, but to someone who has a monkey on their back called E.D. (eating disorder) there seems to be no rest for the weary.
The refeeding process can be so overwhelming. You go from a size XX to a size XX in a couple of months. It is not about how healthy you have become, but the number that appears on that scale or a new pair of jeans you have to buy. The constant feeling of bloating and disgust. The feeling that everyone is staring at you in utter hatred. It all seems so overwhelming in the moment, but it is an illusion of the mind.
I have talked about "facing out" at the doctor's office before but I have not explained what it means. Well, it is when you go to your doctor's office and turn your back away from the scale instead of facing it and seeing "the number!" It's letting go of control for me. I may have to cut numbers out of my pants and shorts so, I don't dwell in the morning about my size and shape, but I know I am beautiful just the way I am.
Remember you too are not a number!!!
-A.N.T.
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