Golden Ticket

 

I thought my life could be.

But every catastrophe confined me.

Suddenly, It struck me.

I was down on my luck.

 

I could not see.

There was no luck for me.

I got no fucking golden ticket.

And no golden twinkle in my damn eyes.

 

I thought I could shine.

and used to be happy to sing this song

but suddenly, what a fantastic thing

I realized I did not want a golden ticket.

Sun in my eye from the sky

I believe in everyday

And when I face today

I look at the sun and see the love.

  

I never thought you would believe me

but that slap from the past 

It made me say it could be.

I’m entirely in ecstasy.

 

Here I am, transparent as can be

With the words, I cannot see.

'Cause I'd have said

It couldn't be done."

 

But I got a golden chance.

To make my way

And with a golden heart

It's a golden day.

 

No golden effin' ticket needed for me 😊

The Mind's Tricks

The mind often plays intricate tricks on me, weaving a tangled web of racing thoughts and persistent worries. I find myself struggling to untangle the threads that separate anxiety from reality. My thoughts swirl and twist like a tempest, spiraling down into a deep, dark well of uncertainty. What thoughts linger in your mind, spinning endlessly like a hamster tirelessly running on its wheel?

I often lose myself in reflections on the past and anticipations of the future, neglecting the beautiful, fleeting moments of the present. Do you ever feel a sense of boredom creeping in? At times, the essence of human existence feels meaningless and futile. How do we find our way through the labyrinthine journey of life? Is it a quest of existential significance? Do you find yourself caught in a sea of questions, grappling with answers that seem forever out of reach? I tune into the voices around me, hoping to catch a glimpse of clarity amidst the chaos.

The future looms uncertain over our politics and personal safety, casting a shadow of apprehension. Are we merely puppets, dragged along by social media's relentless tide, often depicting a tumultuous reality?

Consider the cat: a creature of simple pleasures, effortlessly embracing love, food, and play. Do they possess any awareness of the complicated world we inhabit, or are they blissfully ignorant? What ignites your passion? Do you perceive the world as a shattered mosaic, or do you see it as a silent landscape awaiting its inevitable collapse? Perhaps you hold the belief that the future will unfold in a way that brings hope. What profound emotions stir within you?

Pause for a moment to reflect on your current mood. What feelings resonate deep within your soul? Picture yourself creating a vivid painting of your emotions. Do you choose to depict yourself as you aspire to be, or as you wish to be in your dreams? What would that image capture? It may very well be that the artwork you create encapsulates exactly what you need at this moment.

Take life at face value. Burdens can trap you in the misery of your own existence. Be passionate on a personal level and recognize what you can change. You have a choice: you can either watch your life pass by, filled with despair and a lack of hope, or you can pursue what you believe is right for you.

Allow others to be themselves while you focus on your own life’s journey. Sometimes, life may feel tough, but remember that it’s not all that bad, as it is ultimately what you make of it. You create your own meaning of life.

So when your mind plays tricks on you, embrace your existence and enjoy the bliss of life. Take those moments, whether good or bad, and carry on. Ultimately, your perseverance will pave the way for you in the universe.

Yours Truly,

A.N.T.

The Purpose of Mistakes.

What does having a purpose mean to you? 

 

Take a moment to reflect on your past year as I type this for you to consider. 

 

Time has flown by, and I find myself at this point in my life despite the voices in my head, the devil lurking on my shoulder, and the weight of my past. I've learned valuable lessons from my mistakes and refuse to be trapped in a never-ending cycle. I continue to move forward with confidence and purpose. 

 

If you are still reading, it's important to clarify that this differs from your typical year-in-review blog. Instead, it's about what you make of it.

I walk along the hidden shadows of the alleyway, wondering how I ended up here. I lost everything. I spent every last dollar from my bank accounts and was evicted from the sanctuary I once called home. Was it my fault? Who knows. But I realize that what I learned from those mistakes—and the unspoken truth—is that if none of this had happened, I wouldn't be exactly where I am now. The saying "everything happens for a reason" feels misleading. Okay, maybe not entirely.

What is having a purpose? Have you found your purpose amidst your life tribulations? In case you were wondering, I have yet to discover mine entirely. The future, present, and past pull me in all directions. The shadows I walk in fill my mind with empty thoughts and inhibit my full potential. But that is precisely what I am unsure of: life's purpose. Is there truly a purpose? 

As the New Year approaches, I want to share my accomplishments and mistakes or focus on exploring my thoughts. I don't know. So, let me reflect on my year. I started the year with three surgeries, and I switched from Ozempic to Wegovy due to insurance coverage issues. I spent the year procrastinating on taking my board exam to become certified as a nurse practitioner, but I'm happy to say I passed the test this November. My love for my wife grew daily, and when the stress became too intense, we adopted a new puppy.

But who wants to hear only the good? I still struggle with my eating disorder and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I worry too much about everything, and my anxiety is constantly high. I stopped a medication on my own, which I do not recommend, and I realized that it's something I really need. That realization is frustrating in its own way. I've also noticed that when there's chaos around me, I tend to thrive on it even more; hence, the new puppy, Beans.

That's it in a nutshell. However, I still wonder what my purpose in life is, and I may never know. As I embark on a new journey next year, I hope for a future filled with love, joy, and happiness. Realistically, I will also learn from the mistakes that come with failure, but how else can I grow and face life? I understand that things can sometimes get overwhelming, but life is definitely too short, a lesson I've learned as I've grown older. I figure, what the heck—what do I have to lose? I am taking leaps and bounds forward.

The purpose in life is just as you are.

- A. N. T.

The Struggle Can Be Balanced

Sometimes, I hear thunder in the distant past.

I am all too familiar; it won't last.

I'm sick of being thrown into my past.

I'm stuck in quicksand, fighting so much.

I keep trudging it all up, hoping to survive.

Then I realize that the present is my crutch.

I just know that I need to take that leap.

My past was not cheap.

I won't become the black sheep.

As I practice trusting myself,

I no longer seek the reassurance

and trust that my life will last.

Every day is a gift.

And it should not be lived half-assed;

Because it does not last.

Today, I am stronger than yesterday.

I believe in my true being.

May we all prevail in living freely.

Spilling the Tea on Mental Health

 

There lay unspoken grief in my smile. The voices in my head made friends with the monsters under my bed while the pain surrounding my space wreaked havoc on my inner peace. I found myself searching for all the wrong answers to my unhealthy behaviors. I was falling. 

The very backbone that held me up was snapping in half. I turned within myself, listened to this familiar path I was embarking on from the past, and sought out more help at a mental health partial hospitalization program. At the time, I hoped I had 'fixed' myself and returned to reality all too quickly. 

I couldn't function in the reality of crippling PTSD that I had returned to all too quickly. Knowing where to turn when the chamber is half-cocked, I re-entered the broken mental health system again, the emergency room at a hospital. Still lurking in the darkness, the monsters under my bed became my friends inward and outwardly. 

I was frightened and hopeless. I sat on the gurney in my stringless green jumpsuit, feeling like an animal rattling in a cage. The entire emergency room hallways were filled with other people of the like. We were ignored, treated like savages, and as if we were the "problem." We were all pleading for the mental health system to save us.

As I struggled, I utilized my last breath of inner strength of advocacy and expertise in healthcare in my favor to help me get to where I needed. I stayed for way too long in an emergency room for over 48 hours, but little did I know the average stay was over two weeks before being transferred to an in-patient psychiatric hospital. How could that be the case? Again, "the system" was failing not only those seeking help but everyone struggling to seek help, not knowing where to turn, and having limited access to care. Words cannot explain the unjust justice that was surrounding me. 

Just when you think you get a glimmer of hope of finding access to care, you wait for the agonizing health insurance coverage approval for a treatment program or in-patient hospitalization. Although laws were passed to decrease the disparities among mental health insurance companies, it remains a lengthy, arduous process. Mental health insurance companies monopolize the length of stay and where you can seek treatment. Unfortunately, they dictate and play a significant role in your future mental health stability and recovery. I have often seen the system fail those with health insurance and those with limited or lack health insurance. 

As you struggle to keep your head afloat and work on your mental health, there's an influx of overwhelmingly high hospital-specific and physician-specific service fees. Also, health insurance companies fail to update you that the services will likely be only partially paid because of low reimbursement rates and plan deductibles by health insurance. It is genuinely an outrageous system that is shattered. 

The shattering in the system continues with an overdemand and lack of professional help. The overstressed system lacks a proper amount of providers and staffing in mental health. So what is the most significant overall problem? Who is responsible? Unfortunately, it is a system as a whole. Awareness of the systemic crisis and bringing mental health to the forefront versus a shameful entity will help break down barriers and disparities in the system. If you or a loved one are struggling, do not give up hope. The system can help; it is a battle to keep advocating and fighting for life sometimes, but life is worth it. 

- A.N.T.

"You don't have to be an Olympian to create change for yourself and others. Each of us can bet on ourselves." 

- Allyson Felix.

Saying "NO"

You are walking in the darkness, searching for a reflection in a storm of doubt. Nowhere to turn in the conformed world that is spewing granules of time inside an hourglass. There is an invisible force that pulls you into a maze of misdirection, the inability to say "NO." Standing, pondering, and stuck at a fork in the road in the labyrinth of life, you look down the two paths. There is the beaten path filled with guilt and shame, seemingly impossible to crawl down. Alternatively, the other seemingly effortless path carries the weight of the world on your shoulders of despair. 

 
As you stare down the two paths, your continuous overexertion of straying down the path of deceit leads you into hopeless possibilities. That is where your reflection of doubt continues to hide behind the shadows of darkness. However, when you willingly crawl down the road less traveled, you challenge the demons that lurk inside your conscience. The fear seeps out of your veins as you sheepishly search for reassurance. The conflict that threatens your judgment arises from disappointment and rejection from others. Nevertheless, the immediate discomfort rattles the core as it soon disappears; you assert your boundaries away from depression and despair. 

 

Turning your inner soul into a seed of growth, you find your reflection of strength in the sunlight of hope. Your confidence surges past the disappointment and rejection into the pathway of self-discovery. As you unravel the strings of lies, you warp and weft into the woven direction of happiness. Grasping onto the courage to let go of something familiar, you embark on the journey of saying "NO" by maintaining your sense of self-worth. 

.........SADDLE UP.........

You may be angry. You may be sad. But underneath it all, there lies fear. Take one person's sense of control, and everything becomes out of control. This is not for the faint of heart or those who want to blame and even point fingers. The actual problem is COVID-19. For that, I'd rather be judged for being honest than be loved for being fake. So, saddle up and listen to my words as a professional and human being. 

I have been wearing a mask since February 2020, when word of the virus started attacking the world and everyone's views. A deadly, life-changing pandemic disrupted all walks of life and still affects so many people. Despite your ethnicity, gender identity, race, skin color, age, or anything else you identify yourself with, COVID-19 is the problem. 

I remember showing up to work with my mask on when things were still under control and were all just a hoax (I got to love the media). I was told by a physician that I was not able to wear my mask and eye shield in the hospital because it instilled fear and made patients feel uneasy. Is it my choice to wear it or not? Plus, I was very up-to-date with hospital policy. I continued to wear my mask, as I still do to this very day. Sometimes, I see that same doctor in the hallway and wonder if he thinks back on our interaction before it all started. It does not matter to me, but I still wish it was all under control and just a hoax. 

Then came my updated emergency death wishes or my will; may you have it. As people around me were dying in the hospital from complications associated with COVID-19, I decided I better change 'things' during this time. I am categorized as high-risk or likely to get severely ill if I contract the virus. My ticket into an ICU was to have hypertension, obesity, complex sleep apnea, and smoking cigarettes. After a long, devastating, physically and emotionally exhausting shift, I sat at my desk and typed up when to "pull my plug." I gave a copy to my partner and my parents. I wept as I read the paper to my family, knowing there was a strong possibility that I might not come out on the other side. However, the best part during this devastating time was learning how proud I am to be fighting this virus on the frontlines. Not even once did I say, I wish I could stay home. I signed up for this and rose to the occasion with all the other superheroes. Don't get me wrong, it hit me hard at first for a split moment. 

I heard the alarms going off. I quickly donned up the limited supply of personal protective equipment (PPE) and rushed into the patient's room. Their oxygen levels were dropping, I pressed the call light, but no one was around. I open the patient's door and yell out for a non-rebreather down the hall. Someone pages the doctor, and I close the door and hurriedly place the nonrebreather on the patient. At that moment, I realized it was just the patient and me. Rewind moments before, the doctor was reaching out to the family. They call back, and the family speaks to me. My heart sank, and I felt helpless. I knew the truth that their loved one would not survive COVID-19. I returned to the patient's room, reassuring them their family loved them as I gently held their hand. I did my best to keep that patient comfortable and alive for 30 minutes more so their son could come and say goodbye. All while, I hope my three other patients will remain stable till then. 

I knew at that very moment that this was real. The family came. I gowned him up (in the beginning, you could say goodbye). He was one " lucky " to say goodbye to their loved ones. I left the patient's room, and it hit me; that moment I spoke of earlier when I broke down. I gasped from hyperventilation as I Sobbed my eyes out in the bathroom. I wiped away my tears, splashed water on my face, and shook off my grief. Until today, words can never describe the heartache that is stuffed deep inside my soul. I still never regret being a nurse or being that last face for those that felt alone and scared.

The second wave came, and the hallways in the hospital were silently filled with despair. My shoulders were heavy, and we all walked slower. There was no time to breathe. We barely caught a breath or had a moment to hug our loved ones; we feared the worse as we went to work every day. People were cooped up, isolated, and desired human connections. So, I thought long and hard and decided to stay home with my loved ones during the holidays. There were so many opinions surrounding the holidays and human interactions. People were angry as the numbers began to rise at the hospital again. Our PPE was still depleted and our psyche partially deranged, so we had to pull through it again. I did not think I could do it all over again. My second cry occurred at work. In the bitch box or confession box, a.k.a med room, I cried in fear of the future. I hugged my coworker, squeezed them tightly, and wiped away my tears (they were the only other person besides my partner I hugged throughout the pandemic). I survived as others struggled to retake their last breath. I immersed myself in articles regarding the human need for connections. Instead of stomping my feet and pointing blame, I strived to understand the second surge of COVID-19. Again, it is COVID-19 that took the lives of so many. I did not blame myself. I continued to be that nurse that understood and cared. 

The present-day still lingers with so much unknown in the face of COVID-19. Currently, the Centers for Disease Control released recommendations for Massachusetts, including fully vaccinated people, to wear face masks in public and indoor settings under certain conditions. You may be angry. You may be sad or just plain old fed-up. But underneath it all, there lies fear. Take one person's sense of control, and everything becomes out of control.

Now, do not go thinking I am some Mother Teresa or on some high horse. God knows I am far from that! I was balancing graduate school and the stress of a pandemic, all while balancing my health needs. It was never easy, but I never gave up. It was never easy for everyone. I knew that we were all part of this tragedy together despite it all. Everyone has a story. This is my story.

Nightlights are the best!!!

The clock has struck midnight. There is no sound to be heard except the palpitating, racing heartbeat pounding through my chest. I begin to stir and look widely around into the darkness. I see a figure. I hear a footstep. Am I awake, or am I asleep? My mind does not know the difference between reality and vivid nightmares. I take a breath. I nod back off into the darkness. The footsteps reappear and begin to suffocate my soul. I wake up gasping for breaths, and the darkness lurks in the distance. I am still not sure where I am. I roll over to a stranger; I ask myself how and who is next to me? I take another breath. I begin to cry out in fear, yet my voice does not make a sound. I arise from my sleep, so I think.

I reach for my flashlight and aim it into the darkness that lures. The figure disappeared. The heart begins to pound from adrenaline. I sheepishly walk throughout the house, checking the locks and checking the windows for securing. The cats start to stir, and I hear their meows fading in the distance. Suddenly, I remember I am here. I am safe. I gingerly walk back into the bedroom and find a body, the body of my fiancee. I rest assured that I am safe. I head back into bed. Count backward from one hundred and fall back into another deep dark nightmare. 

- A. N. T.

What Dreams Become

     I wonder what life would be like if I became one of the numerous dreams I had as a child. Can you remember what your very first dream as a child was? What did you want to become when you "grew up?" Of course, I had two! I wanted to be the first professional female N.H.L. hockey player and a "Garbage Woman." I did not think it was unrealistic or unattainable. My life was full of endless dreams.

     As I grew older, my dreams changed. My mind was a tangled web filled with questions about myself, expectations, failures, fears, and reality, which led to my shattered dreams. I think that it is the best part of being a teenager. You must figure yourself out, independent of society. It is very unknown and scary at times. Eventually, my mind drifted between wanting to be a veterinarian and a professional runner, perhaps qualifying for the Olympics. Everything was trialed. I discovered that it was not indeed what I wanted to do in my life. I was still hitting the moon, looking for my star.

     Were my dreams really shattered, or did they just evolve into glowing, aspiring stars throughout my life's journey? I always had determination, knowing I would land among the stars in everything I pursued. I have lived and learned along my way. Failure is attainable because it means you have lived. It is not such a 'bad thing' at all. You stand strong and tall. Failure is doing what you thought you could not.

     With all my dreams in my youth, somehow, I followed every ambition with the drive to succeed, following thru with everything big or small. I learned in one way or the other that it was not indeed what I wanted to be in my life. At times, I was left more confused than before. But then there were other times I believed I had nailed it down. I did not quit, even if I felt defeated. There are several stars to land among. It is never a shooting star into happiness.

     When you think of your first dream, perhaps you laugh or say I am exactly where I believed I would be. Either way, do you embrace your life's journey to this day? I like to reflect on how I became to be where I am at this very moment. Sometimes tears were shed from the fear of the unknown and failure. Other times, I held my head high, knowing this was it. This is going to work. I have found my star. Once again, I shine. This is my dream.

     You may land among your star at any time in your life. And surprise stars come and go. What works today may not work tomorrow. I follow my passions, as shall you. I push through and forward to my goals. Unfortunately, it is not so linear, which makes life so unique to you. I looked up the definition of the word 'Dream' in the Merriam-Webster dictionary:

4a: A strongly desired goal or purpose. A dream to become president.

     President is not exactly my dream. However, I firmly believe I am always pursuing my desired goals by making a purpose in life. Do you know what that is for you? We all have a purpose in life. May you all find your star. Be your own shining star!
       

I am a strong, independent woman following my dreams.

- A.N.T.

Uncomfortably Numb

     I often ask myself how 'normal' people cope in the world. I even get angry at times! "No way do people go through life without some kind of coping mechanism. A crutch!!!" Seriously world??? Don't bullshit me! But I think I have it all wrong! I always had some kinda 'fix' to help me cope. Anorexia. Alcohol. Pills. They all left me feeling comfortably numb in life. I was untouchable and able to handle anything thrown my way. I was coasting through life as if I had won something. I figured out the way to survive. I had found the secret to life. It was a deadly cycle.

     Actually,  it's not about coping at all! Or find some mechanism to help you overcome the struggle of dealing with the past, present, or future. It's about facing the fiery flames of fire and feeling the heat. It's about feeling the truth. It's about fighting through the numbness and dissecting the pieces of the puzzle of emotions. It's about facing the REAL problems beneath the deceit of anorexia, alcohol, and pills. I would instead feel uncomfortably numb from the feelings of feeling than comfortably numb with deception. So, how does one feel or sit with every emotion or feeling? It's not easy 'those people' say to me. "It takes practice."

     For me, the two emotionally charged feelings I avoid mostly are sadness and anger. It's totally two different extremes on the spectrum. It just feels too unbearable and scary to face. I feel like I will fall apart mentally or spiral out of control, leading me to turn to my 'fixes.' Or even worse, dead in a ditch from overwhelming, uncomfortable feelings. REALITY CHECK, Ariane! There's no obituary out there that reads, "Death By Feeling." Living in fear of falling apart is not living. Avoiding what may be lurking around the corner keeps you out of touch with reality. There is no dark hole of no return! Maybe it is not about feeling out of control but just feeling. The only one that can be truthful to you is you and your own mind. The words you feed your soul are run by the voices in your head. It's what you believe. It's your feelings.

     I am mad. I am crying. And I am ok. The laughter in my voice and the smile on my face are filled with happiness that keeps me believing in myself. Feeling feelings is not that unbearable after all. I have not fallen apart or died. The numbness that I feel now is the high from living life. It's the best high I ever felt. It may be a roller coaster ride, but there's nothing like having an adventure in life. Nothing beats being present and feeling the sun's warmth on a crisp autumn day. I embrace the gift of life.

A.N.T.

TRUTH

It seems to take much

but I love you a bunch.

I can’t see my life without you.

So, with not much more ado

I love you.

It may seem tough at times.

But I’ll take all the limes

to make this rhyme.

I want to make it right this time.

It does not come easy.

I hate to be cheesy

but, when it comes to my boo

I love you.

So, I throw down the towel

and let out a big howl.

I pray for the best

and let the rest be not a test.

I open my arms wide open

and know I am not broken.

Thanks to you

because you love me!!!

-       A. N. T.

The Lemon Spritz

I've decided to squeeze that frozen lemon into pulp. All my anxiety was pulverized into a lemon squeeze. I like to think of it as bitterness meets sourness. It's impossible to feel the actual satisfaction of melting a frozen lemon into pulpless mush until you have tried it for yourself. All the anxiety in the world can never be erased by a simple squeeze of lemon. But knowing the senses of the human mind can be challenged to change by a simple lemon is priceless.

I've been told to do a frozen orange to address sheer panic. It was not until one day, I did not feel like going to the store for oranges, that I understood the power of a lemon frozen. When I squeeze an orange, I get soft sweetness, but 9 out of 10 times, I am in panic mode... I am scared, angry, fearful, and do not need sweet. I need the sour of a lemon I discovered not so long ago. My five senses are being emerged through the feelings of my human mind. It's as if this little yellow, oblong thingy gets me. When it has stunted my feelings, I have a soft-tart lemon to leave me with my thoughts. It balances one's mind out.

May it be bittersweetness or utter tartness,

 allow your senses to be tantalized. 

- A.N.T.

Playing the Lottery!!!

     You walk into your nearest convenience store and you play your luck. Do you choose your own numbers or do you play a "quick pick?"  You test your luck and hope for the best; hoping for a future full of endless cash. But does endless cash end up buying endless happiness at the end of all the hype? Is there a price good enough to make you happy? I wonder. Ultimately, will the right numbers make you happy? Is it possible in the game of life!!!

     When I measure happiness, it comes in numbers for me but not in cash. It comes in the size of my self-worth and the number I see on the scale. Sometimes I like playing the numbers game with my weight, but I realize that no matter what number I pick, it's not ever good enough to me for a level of happiness. There's no "lucky" number where I feel 'ok' enough with my body. When I was as low as xxxxx, I was not low enough; I still felt "fat and disgust" towards myself. When I was xxxxx, I was too heavy and not good enough. So what is my lucky numbers then? If it was only a lottery game and I could pick my numbers and win, but it's not. It's really not all about a number to me when I dig deep down inside my soul or the payout at the end of a lottery game.

     I was at a recent therapy session. My voice was very loud with utter disgust and severe hatred towards my body. I was digging my heels into the ground, refusing to believe that there was something more going on in my mind other than my body's shape and size. I was throwing fists up, refusing to believe anything different. After about 40 minutes of expressing my disgust, I realized I was running on fumes (plus, I only had about 10 minutes left to my session). To make the most of my session, I took a deeper look at my current life. I realized I was doing too much again. I had not stopped to smell the roses and enjoy the simple things that are pleasurable in life. I was living in the past and future, denying my soul of the fruits of today. As soon as I realized the facts, I began to feel more at ease. My voice from E.D. (eating disorder) had begun to silence. I embraced myself for who I am now, accepting the reality that I deserve enjoyment despite all the "things" that need to get done. I realized that it's ok to enjoy life and do things that are pleasurable in my everyday life; it's a balance not a race to the finish.

     So, the next time you rush to the convenience store or jump on a scale, think to yourself, "will this be utter happiness for me?" In the moment, you bet your bottom dollar it will be! But perhaps in the long run, it's just another gamble with your own self-worth. Maybe we are all just happy right where we are at now in life. So, embrace yourself and ride the fruits of today to the next day. Afterall, you are worthy and beautiful just the way you are. Money or size do not measure your own self-worth.

- A. N. T. 

Surrender Your Soul.

     The air vent's humming echoes in my head as the cafe-filled voices shutter in the distance. The voices fade in the distance, and I'm left with my fingers typing on my keyboard. Suddenly, I drift away from the laptop screen and surround myself with the noisy atmosphere. I discreetly look around and find myself surrounded by fellow coffee-drinking patrons. I take notice of all the different faces and begin to wonder what people think as they sit in their seats.

     Unexpectedly, I surrender my soul to the inner voice in my head. I bleed out the distractions surrounding me. Over the muffled voices, I begin to hear a voice inside me. It's just me and my laptop now. It's a world of creativity and adventure ahead of me. I walk down memory lane, where demons and angels live inside my brain. I contemplate the journey I am about to embark on as I surrender my soul.

      I welcome you to embark on this journey with me too. Suddenly, you begin finding yourself trying to free yourself from the distractions surrounding you. You begin to feel pulled in the past, present, or future direction. Whatever the noise that surrounds you, begin to focus your energy on the current mind in your soul, surrendering it to your inner voice. Place your feet firmly on the ground beneath you while getting your body comfortable in a position that suits your needs. Whatever your position, may you enjoy the calmness that floats over your body.

     Remember, the mind is a beautiful thing. It can protect you. All the while hurting you at the same time. Everybody has a mind at the start of life. No one mind is alike in the universe. There may be similarities and like-minded beliefs, but we all have unique perspectives, experiences, and thoughts. One relative-natured element may be vibrant and bright to you, while it may symbolize darkness to another's mind. We are all unique and special to our own selves. Cherish your own soul before you cherish another's mind.

     As you deepen into surrendering your soul, listening to your inner voice, continue to non-judgmentally accept the fleeting thoughts. As you relax deeper in your position, you realize that you are the only one in the room. Your mind is an Adventureland, caught between reality and fantasy. Focus on the pendulum of thoughts and continue freeing the mind from all distractions. Remember, the thoughts you are having are only unique to you. No one else but you knows your internal thoughts. Now, you have begun to accept the thoughts as feathers in the wind. You take awareness to the thoughts as they disappear like a shooting star in the night.

     Now that you are in a state of mind of letting go of thoughts and freeing the mind, ultimately, you shall be able to accept that a thought is a thought. Awareness of your thoughts can help you embrace your reactions to situations, independent from others. May you allow yourself to move freely through the world of life.

- A. N. T.

The Mind of Madness

   

   
     You find yourself trapped inside a Rubik's Cube, trying to set yourself free from the maze. Each twist of the Rubik's Cube, leaves you more lost among the disorganized colors. If only you could just wrap your mind around the color schema, you may be able to free your mind from the madness. The more twists and turns you take, the further you are from the perfect matching squares of colors. The madness deepens, echoing through your mind. You're left feeling unsteady. You begin to ponder, when will all the darkness become full of brightness again? Instead, you find yourself trapped inside the mind of madness.

     The possible has become impossible. You're wishing that someone could hold onto you because you are unsteady. Even the voices speak to you when your eyes are shut. The madness is beyond return. You have lost sight of reality. With eyes shut, you pray for a better beginning and hope to wake-up from this nightmare. Suddenly, you hear a voice in the distance. You begin to wonder if it could be the devil coming to take your soul. You panic. You start to rapidly think about your options, hoping the voice can take you to the other side of madness. You're at the point that you want to bargain with the voice, even if it is the devil, to free yourself from it all. You feel like a victim in the night, where you dare not look back. It's all a mystery.

     Life as you know it, is about to end. You begin running. Heart-beating uncontrollably. Adrenaline gushing through your veins. You get deeper intertwined into the wrath of the Rubik's Cube. You know you don't wanna live for ever, but you know this is not how you wanted your life to end. The voice is getting louder and the thoughts are screaming in your head. Blood is seeping through your skin. The darkness has overtook your soul. The mind is full of delusional thinking and rationalizations. You are mentally exhausted and feel all alone.

     Eventually, you try to pry your eyes open to catch a glimmer of light; anything to grab hold of hope. Again, you attempt to turn the vibrant tiles of the Rubik's Cube. Frustratingly, you just cannot grasp a steady pattern among the disorganized colors. Suddenly, a flash of hope comes to you. Holding onto the fleeing thought, cautiously you begin to think clearer. You realize that in order to obtain an organized color schema to the Rubik's Cube, you must work out the twists and turns of the disorganized patterns of colors.  You begin to understand that bargaining with the devil will not end the madness; chaos will ensue. No matter where you turn, there lays the truth.

     As you realize the power of the mind and ponder the different possibilities, you realize there can only be one absolute. You begin to understand that it is how you look at things, not how they are in themselves. You are motivated to solve the unsolvable color patterns of the Rubik's Cube. Taking a different perspectives of a problem can lead to harmony and create a healthy mind of the soul. Instead of fleeing the possibility of failure, embrace the idea of change. The darkness shall not last forever; after every sunset there is a sunrise.

- A. N. T. 

“What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: Our life is the creation of our mind.”  ~Buddha

Who Cares About Hairballs?

     It's a dark, dreary, cold morning outside. My alarm begins to chime. I ignore it and begin to pull the covers back up over my head. Moments later, my back-up alarm begins to nudge me in the head; attempting to get me up from the bed. All I can hear is the sounds of purring in my ears. I feel the wet little nose against my face and I begin to smile. Suddenly, I remember that three little kitties are awaiting me to awake. Eventually, I stumble out of bed and rub my eyes. I begin to walk out of the bedroom. Instantly, I feel a squishy, warm mound of mush between my toes. I begin to scream and hop on one foot to the bathroom. All the while, the three amigos are following me to the bathroom in curiosity, wondering what's all the commotion. I stare over at the three musketeers, wondering which one left me a gift of laughter. In some way or the other, these three very different cats have taught me some life lessons.

Don't cry over spilled milk:

Life's to short, take that leap:

No matter who you are, be yourself:



















Despite your differences, love a lot.

Remember to always take some "me" time:

Be the Cat's meow, You got this!!!

It's OK to ask for affection:

No problem is too hard to solve:

Take the time to smell the roses:

 Last but not least.

We are all a little different, 

but we always accept each other for who we are:

Life's Lessons by,
- A.N.T.

A Little Bio About The BOYZ:

Jaguar, Jag for short, is thirteen years old and is considered the wise one among the bunch. He is a very proud kitty and does not hesitate to show his true colors. He likes to be pet on his own terms. He's not a very affectionate cat but when he is, look out. Jag is secretly an outdoor cat too.

Binks a.k.a. Binky, is six years old and has a chronic respiratory problem. He can't even smell. This resilient cat has never allowed his breathing problems to inhibit his daily living. He gets a little short of breath at times, but he still plays like any other kitty. His strength and determination to live life to its fullest is rather refreshing.

Oreo, Orie for short, is seven months old and is the spry one among the bunch. He keeps the other boys young and reminds them of their youth. There is no mountain tall enough for him to leap over. Actually, he keeps the whole household young. Mischief is his game; love and acceptance is his true intentions.

Bloggers Block

     I try to type, but I have lost my soul. I try to express my feelings from the inside but I get writer's block. I take some time to think about how I can get around this all. I want to begin to tell you about my new journey, but I feel there is no where to begin. I could list the facts or just type about my life since the last time I've blogged, but I don't feel ready. So, I turn my memory back to a time in my life that was sad but also, an inspirational time for me.

     I go back as far as six years ago. I lost a soul that not only gave the best hugs, but had took life for what it was worth. He was truly inspirational to his entire family. By his death, I learned he loved poetry. I found it instrumental to me that he left behind not only a loving family but a legacy too. I was inspired. I wanted to start to write poetry too. I did know how to write poetry, nor was I an expertise in the subject. However, I did know that I had profound thoughts that could help me and others as I write. So, I leave all my readers with my latest and greatest poems that I have wrote:

SUICIDE

There's nothing to hide

nor do I pride.

There is no joy

in everyday toys.

There's not enough pills

to get me over the hills.

No matter how hard I try.

So, please don't pry.

You may or may not be there

but I seem not to care.

So, take your box of tissues

and leave me to my issues.

It's by a leap of faith

that I don't misbehave

and turn to the light, 

to embark on my flight.

MY STRIFE

My thinking isn't the same

and I'm feeling a little insane.

All I want to do is cry

but, I'm afraid people may pry.

The truth will remain a mystery

and I'm afraid it will become history.

Please let me feel my freedom

So, I don't become incoherent.

I want to disappear into nowhere

and look elsewhere.

My past will be the past 

and this too shouldn't last.

My future is bright with life

and it's not full of strife.

My thinking isn't the same

and I'm not ashamed.

- A.N.T. 

Relapse Prevention Planning

     My journey continues, while I embark on a journey through recovery from an eating disorder (E.D.). I take myself back in time to May 2002. I blow the dust off the pages and flip through my binder that's filled with a ton of skills. At the time, I'm was very scared to go from the hospital setting, to residential treatment, and then to partial treatment. I was afraid of the unknown. I was afraid I would lose control of my life and turn back to E.D. to help gain control in the game of life. So, how does one face the reality's of everyday life outside a therapeutic setting?

Make a list of the following in regards to your own RELAPSE PREVENTION:

Signs of Improvements:

Signs I'm Slipping:

Relapse Prevention Plan:

FIVE THINGS to consider in your post-treatment plan:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Here is a firsthand example of my own relapse prevention plan that I personalized to my own recovery in the year of 2002...

FIVE THINGS to consider in your post-treatment plan:

1. Have positive and healthy SUPPORTS

2. Have a TOOLBOX filled with skills for trigger preparation

3. Have A MEAL PLAN provides structure

4. Have a TREATMENT TEAM and keep your appointments.

5. Have a RELAPSE PREVENTION plan

Remember this about recovery:
Everyone's journey is different.
It's a work in progress.
There will be ups - N - downs.
A relapse is a bump; Don't give-up.


"Always shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."

- A.N.T.

Full Circle in Life

     I walk down the dark corridor, where my skeleton hides. I look around waiting to find the answer to all my questions. I have returned to what I call the dark place of my past. Never in a million years did I think I would be standing in the very same place that I embarked on a life saving journey in 2002. Approximately fifteen years later, I stand on the other side of the door. This time, I use my own employee badge to get in and out of the facility. As I swipe my badge, my heart begins to beat faster. The sweat begins to form on my brow. My heart is racing now. I proceed with hesitance. I remind myself  that I'm embarking on the right path, even if it is the path of the unknown.


     Some may wonder and even ask, is this the right choice? Are you going to be triggered and return to unhealthy coping skills? To say the least, I have openly discussed with my treatment providers and those near and dear to me about my choices and possible triggers. I feel that this is a positive step into my future. So far, I have coped with sadness, guilt, and internal struggles of self loathing when faced with my past. The biggest trigger is knowing that I treated my body in sch a destructive way. If anything, I am motivated to never look back at an eating disorder (E.D.) and take that leap of faith into a positive direction. I have the courage to face my internal demons; to stare them down and conquer my new journey in life. Hence, facing the fork in the road and taking a turn into the unknown, where fear itself hides.


     I have made a full circle in life. I have decided to give back to all those that have helped me along the way. First hand, I can relate with addictions, disease, and emotional distress. I have clinical and personal experiences to offer those that struggle with change. I can relate to those that are in need in a professional manner. I can do this. I am ready. I am an advocate for the scared soul to speak. I am an advocate for those that need the guidance. I am me. I vow to be the best advocate I can be.


I am no longer that scared, vulnerable little caterpillar anymore hiding behind E.D. Instead, I am a courageous butterfly that spreads my wings and flies away into the sunlight. May you all find your inner beauty and fly away into your own journey in life. Believe in yourself.

I Have a Secret to the Game of Life.

     I look in the mirror thinking this cannot be me. How did I get to this point in my life where fear takes over my soul? I'm a strong person! I'm a strong person! I am a strong person! The broken record spins around in my head but my body feels differently. I've tried meditation, therapy, positive affirmations, and every skill I learned along the way to pull me through this time in my life. The internal struggle was real. I couldn't calm my nerves. I thought I could conquer this part of my life and become the next top-notch operating room nurse. I was on top of the world, right?

     It all came crumbling down when I realized I was actually the opposite of happy. When I look back at it all, I took a chance. I left one career to pursue another, but I ended up more confused of the reflection in the mirror than ever. I had a secret. I was holding the secret inside my soul for a while. I was afraid what everyone else would think of me or worse; what I thought of myself. I thought I was letting everyone down, including myself. I was stuffing the truth inside my soul.

     I was scared of letting go. I knew that change scared me. I was not wanting to admit to what everyone calls "failure." I took a risk. I thought I failed in the moment and I was very devastated. I was given an ultimatum and I took it. I agree it was not for me and I knew that this is how I did not want to spend the rest of my life. The only thing that I wanted to turn to was the comfort of my eating disorder. I wanted to numb the pain away. I wanted to be "in control" of my life again. Instead, I did the exact opposite of numbing out. I reached out to those near and dear. Shoulders were offered from those that could lend me one. So, here is how I closed one door and opened another, one step at a time...

Step 1: Let It Go

For me, I find pleasure in writing in order of letting it all go. I decided that instead of worrying, I would write it all down. I cried for a moment. I took in the moment and realized it was hard, but I let it go. I took one door closed as an opportunity for another one to be opened. I knew that I had to learn from my experiences and move forward. Eventually, I let it go.

Step 2: Open Up To Those Around You

Staying true to yourself is very important. Leaning on those that are there for you is important. It's okay. Talk about your grief. Listen to their experiences and words of wisdom.Take what you can and apply it to yourself. Opening up leads you to happiness and stronger relationships with your family and friends.

Step 3: When You're Ready, Live Life & Take That Leap

Do not drag out a painful event anymore than you need to. Take life by its horns and take the ride of your lifetime. Do what needs to be done. Follow your aspirations and desires. You are strong enough to make it in the game of life. Make a difference in one's life and your own. After all, you only live once.

     May you all find your own courage to let it go, open up to those around you including yourself, and live life! I am proud to say that I have accepted a new role in the nursing field of psychiatry. I am excited to help those while helping myself along the road. Thanks to all those that have always believed in me.

Yours Truly,
A.N.T.