Gas for the engine...

Things were so pitch black that there was no light shining in. My four walls were dark and desolate with  not a glimmer of light. Life was spiraling out of control and there was no hope. I did not trust anyone except the voices of ED (eating disorder) at the time. The life of anorexia was so self-consuming, it was deadly. I often wondered how I was able to untangle myself from the wrath of ED. My gas tank was running on fumes, and some how I made it through the doors of death.

I often ask myself, "what kept me going?" What kept the darkness from the coffin from consuming my soul? I somehow knew deep down that there was more to life than my best friend ED. I was trying to believe that I was a separate person from ED. I needed to believe and trust all the people that were on Ariane's side not ED's side. 

At first, hope and inspiration was so meager and sparse, that it was practically non-existent. It was with all my supports and the little voice of Ariane, that kept things running. ED's life goals did not match up with mine. I did not want to be a lifeless-corpse with a feeding tube down my nose my entire life. I had dreams and aspirations to succeed. 

Ultimately, it was the little voice of Ariane that needed to make the changes in order to live a fruitful, meaningful life. It was not, and still is not, easy to stay a float above the struggle. Once I started believing in myself, I re-learned how to take care of myself. I still struggle to put myself first, but it comes much easier as my voice stays strong. The gas tank runs half full now.