.........SADDLE UP.........

You may be angry. You may be sad. But underneath it all, there lies fear. Take one person's sense of control, and everything becomes out of control. This is not for the faint of heart or those who want to blame and even point fingers. The actual problem is COVID-19. For that, I'd rather be judged for being honest than be loved for being fake. So, saddle up and listen to my words as a professional and human being. 

I have been wearing a mask since February 2020, when word of the virus started attacking the world and everyone's views. A deadly, life-changing pandemic disrupted all walks of life and still affects so many people. Despite your ethnicity, gender identity, race, skin color, age, or anything else you identify yourself with, COVID-19 is the problem. 

I remember showing up to work with my mask on when things were still under control and were all just a hoax (I got to love the media). I was told by a physician that I was not able to wear my mask and eye shield in the hospital because it instilled fear and made patients feel uneasy. Is it my choice to wear it or not? Plus, I was very up-to-date with hospital policy. I continued to wear my mask, as I still do to this very day. Sometimes, I see that same doctor in the hallway and wonder if he thinks back on our interaction before it all started. It does not matter to me, but I still wish it was all under control and just a hoax. 

Then came my updated emergency death wishes or my will; may you have it. As people around me were dying in the hospital from complications associated with COVID-19, I decided I better change 'things' during this time. I am categorized as high-risk or likely to get severely ill if I contract the virus. My ticket into an ICU was to have hypertension, obesity, complex sleep apnea, and smoking cigarettes. After a long, devastating, physically and emotionally exhausting shift, I sat at my desk and typed up when to "pull my plug." I gave a copy to my partner and my parents. I wept as I read the paper to my family, knowing there was a strong possibility that I might not come out on the other side. However, the best part during this devastating time was learning how proud I am to be fighting this virus on the frontlines. Not even once did I say, I wish I could stay home. I signed up for this and rose to the occasion with all the other superheroes. Don't get me wrong, it hit me hard at first for a split moment. 

I heard the alarms going off. I quickly donned up the limited supply of personal protective equipment (PPE) and rushed into the patient's room. Their oxygen levels were dropping, I pressed the call light, but no one was around. I open the patient's door and yell out for a non-rebreather down the hall. Someone pages the doctor, and I close the door and hurriedly place the nonrebreather on the patient. At that moment, I realized it was just the patient and me. Rewind moments before, the doctor was reaching out to the family. They call back, and the family speaks to me. My heart sank, and I felt helpless. I knew the truth that their loved one would not survive COVID-19. I returned to the patient's room, reassuring them their family loved them as I gently held their hand. I did my best to keep that patient comfortable and alive for 30 minutes more so their son could come and say goodbye. All while, I hope my three other patients will remain stable till then. 

I knew at that very moment that this was real. The family came. I gowned him up (in the beginning, you could say goodbye). He was one " lucky " to say goodbye to their loved ones. I left the patient's room, and it hit me; that moment I spoke of earlier when I broke down. I gasped from hyperventilation as I Sobbed my eyes out in the bathroom. I wiped away my tears, splashed water on my face, and shook off my grief. Until today, words can never describe the heartache that is stuffed deep inside my soul. I still never regret being a nurse or being that last face for those that felt alone and scared.

The second wave came, and the hallways in the hospital were silently filled with despair. My shoulders were heavy, and we all walked slower. There was no time to breathe. We barely caught a breath or had a moment to hug our loved ones; we feared the worse as we went to work every day. People were cooped up, isolated, and desired human connections. So, I thought long and hard and decided to stay home with my loved ones during the holidays. There were so many opinions surrounding the holidays and human interactions. People were angry as the numbers began to rise at the hospital again. Our PPE was still depleted and our psyche partially deranged, so we had to pull through it again. I did not think I could do it all over again. My second cry occurred at work. In the bitch box or confession box, a.k.a med room, I cried in fear of the future. I hugged my coworker, squeezed them tightly, and wiped away my tears (they were the only other person besides my partner I hugged throughout the pandemic). I survived as others struggled to retake their last breath. I immersed myself in articles regarding the human need for connections. Instead of stomping my feet and pointing blame, I strived to understand the second surge of COVID-19. Again, it is COVID-19 that took the lives of so many. I did not blame myself. I continued to be that nurse that understood and cared. 

The present-day still lingers with so much unknown in the face of COVID-19. Currently, the Centers for Disease Control released recommendations for Massachusetts, including fully vaccinated people, to wear face masks in public and indoor settings under certain conditions. You may be angry. You may be sad or just plain old fed-up. But underneath it all, there lies fear. Take one person's sense of control, and everything becomes out of control.

Now, do not go thinking I am some Mother Teresa or on some high horse. God knows I am far from that! I was balancing graduate school and the stress of a pandemic, all while balancing my health needs. It was never easy, but I never gave up. It was never easy for everyone. I knew that we were all part of this tragedy together despite it all. Everyone has a story. This is my story.

Nightlights are the best!!!

The clock has struck midnight. There is no sound to be heard except the palpitating, racing heartbeat pounding through my chest. I begin to stir and look widely around into the darkness. I see a figure. I hear a footstep. Am I awake, or am I asleep? My mind does not know the difference between reality and vivid nightmares. I take a breath. I nod back off into the darkness. The footsteps reappear and begin to suffocate my soul. I wake up gasping for breaths, and the darkness lurks in the distance. I am still not sure where I am. I roll over to a stranger; I ask myself how and who is next to me? I take another breath. I begin to cry out in fear, yet my voice does not make a sound. I arise from my sleep, so I think.

I reach for my flashlight and aim it into the darkness that lures. The figure disappeared. The heart begins to pound from adrenaline. I sheepishly walk throughout the house, checking the locks and checking the windows for securing. The cats start to stir, and I hear their meows fading in the distance. Suddenly, I remember I am here. I am safe. I gingerly walk back into the bedroom and find a body, the body of my fiancee. I rest assured that I am safe. I head back into bed. Count backward from one hundred and fall back into another deep dark nightmare. 

- A. N. T.

What Dreams Become

     I wonder what life would be like if I became one of the numerous dreams I had as a child. Can you remember what your very first dream as a child was? What did you want to become when you "grew up?" Of course, I had two! I wanted to be the first professional female N.H.L. hockey player and a "Garbage Woman." I did not think it was unrealistic or unattainable. My life was full of endless dreams.

     As I grew older, my dreams changed. My mind was a tangled web filled with questions about myself, expectations, failures, fears, and reality, which led to my shattered dreams. I think that it is the best part of being a teenager. You must figure yourself out, independent of society. It is very unknown and scary at times. Eventually, my mind drifted between wanting to be a veterinarian and a professional runner, perhaps qualifying for the Olympics. Everything was trialed. I discovered that it was not indeed what I wanted to do in my life. I was still hitting the moon, looking for my star.

     Were my dreams really shattered, or did they just evolve into glowing, aspiring stars throughout my life's journey? I always had determination, knowing I would land among the stars in everything I pursued. I have lived and learned along my way. Failure is attainable because it means you have lived. It is not such a 'bad thing' at all. You stand strong and tall. Failure is doing what you thought you could not.

     With all my dreams in my youth, somehow, I followed every ambition with the drive to succeed, following thru with everything big or small. I learned in one way or the other that it was not indeed what I wanted to be in my life. At times, I was left more confused than before. But then there were other times I believed I had nailed it down. I did not quit, even if I felt defeated. There are several stars to land among. It is never a shooting star into happiness.

     When you think of your first dream, perhaps you laugh or say I am exactly where I believed I would be. Either way, do you embrace your life's journey to this day? I like to reflect on how I became to be where I am at this very moment. Sometimes tears were shed from the fear of the unknown and failure. Other times, I held my head high, knowing this was it. This is going to work. I have found my star. Once again, I shine. This is my dream.

     You may land among your star at any time in your life. And surprise stars come and go. What works today may not work tomorrow. I follow my passions, as shall you. I push through and forward to my goals. Unfortunately, it is not so linear, which makes life so unique to you. I looked up the definition of the word 'Dream' in the Merriam-Webster dictionary:

4a: A strongly desired goal or purpose. A dream to become president.

     President is not exactly my dream. However, I firmly believe I am always pursuing my desired goals by making a purpose in life. Do you know what that is for you? We all have a purpose in life. May you all find your star. Be your own shining star!
       

I am a strong, independent woman following my dreams.

- A.N.T.

Uncomfortably Numb

     I often ask myself how 'normal' people cope in the world. I even get angry at times! "No way do people go through life without some kind of coping mechanism. A crutch!!!" Seriously world??? Don't bullshit me! But I think I have it all wrong! I always had some kinda 'fix' to help me cope. Anorexia. Alcohol. Pills. They all left me feeling comfortably numb in life. I was untouchable and able to handle anything thrown my way. I was coasting through life as if I had won something. I figured out the way to survive. I had found the secret to life. It was a deadly cycle.

     Actually,  it's not about coping at all! Or find some mechanism to help you overcome the struggle of dealing with the past, present, or future. It's about facing the fiery flames of fire and feeling the heat. It's about feeling the truth. It's about fighting through the numbness and dissecting the pieces of the puzzle of emotions. It's about facing the REAL problems beneath the deceit of anorexia, alcohol, and pills. I would instead feel uncomfortably numb from the feelings of feeling than comfortably numb with deception. So, how does one feel or sit with every emotion or feeling? It's not easy 'those people' say to me. "It takes practice."

     For me, the two emotionally charged feelings I avoid mostly are sadness and anger. It's totally two different extremes on the spectrum. It just feels too unbearable and scary to face. I feel like I will fall apart mentally or spiral out of control, leading me to turn to my 'fixes.' Or even worse, dead in a ditch from overwhelming, uncomfortable feelings. REALITY CHECK, Ariane! There's no obituary out there that reads, "Death By Feeling." Living in fear of falling apart is not living. Avoiding what may be lurking around the corner keeps you out of touch with reality. There is no dark hole of no return! Maybe it is not about feeling out of control but just feeling. The only one that can be truthful to you is you and your own mind. The words you feed your soul are run by the voices in your head. It's what you believe. It's your feelings.

     I am mad. I am crying. And I am ok. The laughter in my voice and the smile on my face are filled with happiness that keeps me believing in myself. Feeling feelings is not that unbearable after all. I have not fallen apart or died. The numbness that I feel now is the high from living life. It's the best high I ever felt. It may be a roller coaster ride, but there's nothing like having an adventure in life. Nothing beats being present and feeling the sun's warmth on a crisp autumn day. I embrace the gift of life.

A.N.T.

TRUTH

It seems to take much

but I love you a bunch.

I can’t see my life without you.

So, with not much more ado

I love you.

It may seem tough at times.

But I’ll take all the limes

to make this rhyme.

I want to make it right this time.

It does not come easy.

I hate to be cheesy

but, when it comes to my boo

I love you.

So, I throw down the towel

and let out a big howl.

I pray for the best

and let the rest be not a test.

I open my arms wide open

and know I am not broken.

Thanks to you

because you love me!!!

-       A. N. T.

The Lemon Spritz

I've decided to squeeze that frozen lemon into pulp. All my anxiety was pulverized into a lemon squeeze. I like to think of it as bitterness meets sourness. It's impossible to feel the actual satisfaction of melting a frozen lemon into pulpless mush until you have tried it for yourself. All the anxiety in the world can never be erased by a simple squeeze of lemon. But knowing the senses of the human mind can be challenged to change by a simple lemon is priceless.

I've been told to do a frozen orange to address sheer panic. It was not until one day, I did not feel like going to the store for oranges, that I understood the power of a lemon frozen. When I squeeze an orange, I get soft sweetness, but 9 out of 10 times, I am in panic mode... I am scared, angry, fearful, and do not need sweet. I need the sour of a lemon I discovered not so long ago. My five senses are being emerged through the feelings of my human mind. It's as if this little yellow, oblong thingy gets me. When it has stunted my feelings, I have a soft-tart lemon to leave me with my thoughts. It balances one's mind out.

May it be bittersweetness or utter tartness,

 allow your senses to be tantalized. 

- A.N.T.

Playing the Lottery!!!

     You walk into your nearest convenience store and you play your luck. Do you choose your own numbers or do you play a "quick pick?"  You test your luck and hope for the best; hoping for a future full of endless cash. But does endless cash end up buying endless happiness at the end of all the hype? Is there a price good enough to make you happy? I wonder. Ultimately, will the right numbers make you happy? Is it possible in the game of life!!!

     When I measure happiness, it comes in numbers for me but not in cash. It comes in the size of my self-worth and the number I see on the scale. Sometimes I like playing the numbers game with my weight, but I realize that no matter what number I pick, it's not ever good enough to me for a level of happiness. There's no "lucky" number where I feel 'ok' enough with my body. When I was as low as xxxxx, I was not low enough; I still felt "fat and disgust" towards myself. When I was xxxxx, I was too heavy and not good enough. So what is my lucky numbers then? If it was only a lottery game and I could pick my numbers and win, but it's not. It's really not all about a number to me when I dig deep down inside my soul or the payout at the end of a lottery game.

     I was at a recent therapy session. My voice was very loud with utter disgust and severe hatred towards my body. I was digging my heels into the ground, refusing to believe that there was something more going on in my mind other than my body's shape and size. I was throwing fists up, refusing to believe anything different. After about 40 minutes of expressing my disgust, I realized I was running on fumes (plus, I only had about 10 minutes left to my session). To make the most of my session, I took a deeper look at my current life. I realized I was doing too much again. I had not stopped to smell the roses and enjoy the simple things that are pleasurable in life. I was living in the past and future, denying my soul of the fruits of today. As soon as I realized the facts, I began to feel more at ease. My voice from E.D. (eating disorder) had begun to silence. I embraced myself for who I am now, accepting the reality that I deserve enjoyment despite all the "things" that need to get done. I realized that it's ok to enjoy life and do things that are pleasurable in my everyday life; it's a balance not a race to the finish.

     So, the next time you rush to the convenience store or jump on a scale, think to yourself, "will this be utter happiness for me?" In the moment, you bet your bottom dollar it will be! But perhaps in the long run, it's just another gamble with your own self-worth. Maybe we are all just happy right where we are at now in life. So, embrace yourself and ride the fruits of today to the next day. Afterall, you are worthy and beautiful just the way you are. Money or size do not measure your own self-worth.

- A. N. T.