Bloggers Block

     I try to type, but I have lost my soul. I try to express my feelings from the inside but I get writer's block. I take some time to think about how I can get around this all. I want to begin to tell you about my new journey, but I feel there is no where to begin. I could list the facts or just type about my life since the last time I've blogged, but I don't feel ready. So, I turn my memory back to a time in my life that was sad but also, an inspirational time for me.

     I go back as far as six years ago. I lost a soul that not only gave the best hugs, but had took life for what it was worth. He was truly inspirational to his entire family. By his death, I learned he loved poetry. I found it instrumental to me that he left behind not only a loving family but a legacy too. I was inspired. I wanted to start to write poetry too. I did know how to write poetry, nor was I an expertise in the subject. However, I did know that I had profound thoughts that could help me and others as I write. So, I leave all my readers with my latest and greatest poems that I have wrote:

SUICIDE

There's nothing to hide

nor do I pride.

There is no joy

in everyday toys.

There's not enough pills

to get me over the hills.

No matter how hard I try.

So, please don't pry.

You may or may not be there

but I seem not to care.

So, take your box of tissues

and leave me to my issues.

It's by a leap of faith

that I don't misbehave

and turn to the light, 

to embark on my flight.

MY STRIFE

My thinking isn't the same

and I'm feeling a little insane.

All I want to do is cry

but, I'm afraid people may pry.

The truth will remain a mystery

and I'm afraid it will become history.

Please let me feel my freedom

So, I don't become incoherent.

I want to disappear into nowhere

and look elsewhere.

My past will be the past 

and this too shouldn't last.

My future is bright with life

and it's not full of strife.

My thinking isn't the same

and I'm not ashamed.

- A.N.T. 

Relapse Prevention Planning

     My journey continues, while I embark on a journey through recovery from an eating disorder (E.D.). I take myself back in time to May 2002. I blow the dust off the pages and flip through my binder that's filled with a ton of skills. At the time, I'm was very scared to go from the hospital setting, to residential treatment, and then to partial treatment. I was afraid of the unknown. I was afraid I would lose control of my life and turn back to E.D. to help gain control in the game of life. So, how does one face the reality's of everyday life outside a therapeutic setting?

Make a list of the following in regards to your own RELAPSE PREVENTION:

Signs of Improvements:

Signs I'm Slipping:

Relapse Prevention Plan:

FIVE THINGS to consider in your post-treatment plan:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Here is a firsthand example of my own relapse prevention plan that I personalized to my own recovery in the year of 2002...

FIVE THINGS to consider in your post-treatment plan:

1. Have positive and healthy SUPPORTS

2. Have a TOOLBOX filled with skills for trigger preparation

3. Have A MEAL PLAN provides structure

4. Have a TREATMENT TEAM and keep your appointments.

5. Have a RELAPSE PREVENTION plan

Remember this about recovery:
Everyone's journey is different.
It's a work in progress.
There will be ups - N - downs.
A relapse is a bump; Don't give-up.


"Always shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."

- A.N.T.

Full Circle in Life

     I walk down the dark corridor, where my skeleton hides. I look around waiting to find the answer to all my questions. I have returned to what I call the dark place of my past. Never in a million years did I think I would be standing in the very same place that I embarked on a life saving journey in 2002. Approximately fifteen years later, I stand on the other side of the door. This time, I use my own employee badge to get in and out of the facility. As I swipe my badge, my heart begins to beat faster. The sweat begins to form on my brow. My heart is racing now. I proceed with hesitance. I remind myself  that I'm embarking on the right path, even if it is the path of the unknown.


     Some may wonder and even ask, is this the right choice? Are you going to be triggered and return to unhealthy coping skills? To say the least, I have openly discussed with my treatment providers and those near and dear to me about my choices and possible triggers. I feel that this is a positive step into my future. So far, I have coped with sadness, guilt, and internal struggles of self loathing when faced with my past. The biggest trigger is knowing that I treated my body in sch a destructive way. If anything, I am motivated to never look back at an eating disorder (E.D.) and take that leap of faith into a positive direction. I have the courage to face my internal demons; to stare them down and conquer my new journey in life. Hence, facing the fork in the road and taking a turn into the unknown, where fear itself hides.


     I have made a full circle in life. I have decided to give back to all those that have helped me along the way. First hand, I can relate with addictions, disease, and emotional distress. I have clinical and personal experiences to offer those that struggle with change. I can relate to those that are in need in a professional manner. I can do this. I am ready. I am an advocate for the scared soul to speak. I am an advocate for those that need the guidance. I am me. I vow to be the best advocate I can be.


I am no longer that scared, vulnerable little caterpillar anymore hiding behind E.D. Instead, I am a courageous butterfly that spreads my wings and flies away into the sunlight. May you all find your inner beauty and fly away into your own journey in life. Believe in yourself.

I Have a Secret to the Game of Life.

     I look in the mirror thinking this cannot be me. How did I get to this point in my life where fear takes over my soul? I'm a strong person! I'm a strong person! I am a strong person! The broken record spins around in my head but my body feels differently. I've tried meditation, therapy, positive affirmations, and every skill I learned along the way to pull me through this time in my life. The internal struggle was real. I couldn't calm my nerves. I thought I could conquer this part of my life and become the next top-notch operating room nurse. I was on top of the world, right?

     It all came crumbling down when I realized I was actually the opposite of happy. When I look back at it all, I took a chance. I left one career to pursue another, but I ended up more confused of the reflection in the mirror than ever. I had a secret. I was holding the secret inside my soul for a while. I was afraid what everyone else would think of me or worse; what I thought of myself. I thought I was letting everyone down, including myself. I was stuffing the truth inside my soul.

     I was scared of letting go. I knew that change scared me. I was not wanting to admit to what everyone calls "failure." I took a risk. I thought I failed in the moment and I was very devastated. I was given an ultimatum and I took it. I agree it was not for me and I knew that this is how I did not want to spend the rest of my life. The only thing that I wanted to turn to was the comfort of my eating disorder. I wanted to numb the pain away. I wanted to be "in control" of my life again. Instead, I did the exact opposite of numbing out. I reached out to those near and dear. Shoulders were offered from those that could lend me one. So, here is how I closed one door and opened another, one step at a time...

Step 1: Let It Go

For me, I find pleasure in writing in order of letting it all go. I decided that instead of worrying, I would write it all down. I cried for a moment. I took in the moment and realized it was hard, but I let it go. I took one door closed as an opportunity for another one to be opened. I knew that I had to learn from my experiences and move forward. Eventually, I let it go.

Step 2: Open Up To Those Around You

Staying true to yourself is very important. Leaning on those that are there for you is important. It's okay. Talk about your grief. Listen to their experiences and words of wisdom.Take what you can and apply it to yourself. Opening up leads you to happiness and stronger relationships with your family and friends.

Step 3: When You're Ready, Live Life & Take That Leap

Do not drag out a painful event anymore than you need to. Take life by its horns and take the ride of your lifetime. Do what needs to be done. Follow your aspirations and desires. You are strong enough to make it in the game of life. Make a difference in one's life and your own. After all, you only live once.

     May you all find your own courage to let it go, open up to those around you including yourself, and live life! I am proud to say that I have accepted a new role in the nursing field of psychiatry. I am excited to help those while helping myself along the road. Thanks to all those that have always believed in me.

Yours Truly,
A.N.T.

A POEM: FIRE IN MY HEART

Please leave me stranded and let me find my way through the game of life.
Eventually, I will build my castle and live my dream.
There is nothing wrong with me now.
I just got the case of the blues.

Leave me alone because I don't need your policies to dictate my self worth.
I will find my course.
I won't follow you nor walk on egg shells around you.
Nobody can drag me down.

A diamond in the rough, through the game of life.
I know I can handle this chaos.
I don't need you right now, despite feeling like I am losing my mind.
I will find my way.

No matter what I do, I will not wait up all night for you.
No matter how many times you knock on my door.
There is no turning back to the dark hole of life.
Because I got myself full of fire in my heart.

I know you were comfort to me in the past.
But I am not willing to do that.
Take your kisses and go back to where you came from.
You cannot kiss it better for me.

I will not let myself down and I will make it better baby.
I will not let the demons prevail.
I will take my dignity and self-worth,
And give back to life that I know it's meant to be.

- A. N. T.

A Change Will do you Good...

   
      I step into the shadow of my own grave with only hollowness to find. I lurk around, searching for answers to all of the questions. I find myself trapped with no where to turn but to myself. I am deserted and lost in the time of the world. I ponder. How do I get out of this hollow maze of life that I have found myself trapped inside? I have no where to turn but to my own self. I have lost what people call their soul. I am curled into a ball,vulnerable and afraid of the unknown to come. Then there's a glimmer of light that gleams into the hollowness. Suddenly, I realize that a change must happen before it's too late and I am permanently staring into a grave of emptiness.

     I have survived through the wrath of E.D. (Eating Disorder) to this day. Some days are easier on the bumpy road of recovery, while other's are a total bust. How did I get to this point in life where the hollowness of my grave turned into a ray of sunshine on my soul? One of my biggest triggers in life is change. A change in routine; a change in life for the better or the worse. It can be big or small to me, either way it can be life altering. I refelct on all the milestones I have overcome in my life, often wondering how did I survive through the hollow maze of my grave.

     Reluctantly, I reflect on one moment that did not serve me. The choices I made were reckless. But I do not need to elaborate on the details, except I know that I have learned from my mistakes. The best part of it all, I had the courage to walk away from it all. I found that my life was running in a direction that was down that hollowness grave. I was deteriorating again into the frail, vulnerable soul that I hid behind with E.D. I was not myself. Along the way, I was pulled back into that slippery slope, doubting my decisions from the serpent entangling me. Eventually, I made a courageous and brave change in my life.

     The change came and gone, but in the moment it was so life altering and eye-opening. I went from everything to almost nothing; I hit rock bottom. The best part of change is learning and respecting yourself through it all. It does not come easily, but with reassurance and guidance change can happen within your own soul. Take that step that you have been wanting to take and leap into your own happiness. Failure is a mistake not learned. Do not run from change; embrace it. Because as the song goes, "A Change Will do you Good." by Sheryl Crow.

- A.N.T.

Journey of a Nurse

     I stared at the body in front of me. I saw a woman that was my hero in my eyes; healing from a quadruple bypass surgery of her heart. I looked into the wounds that healed and offered her a hand to comfort her. I never knew at the time that action would mold me into who I am now. I remember it like it was yesterday, we were playing the card game 'GO FISH' in the living room, eating ice cream at the parlor, and throwing the trash down the trash chute in the hallway. We enjoyed each other's company. I learned a lot from such a frail, stoic woman; my Grammy.

     It was yesterday that I remember the comment from my Grammy as she stared into my big brown eyes, "you are going to be a nurse one day." Me being my independent, stubborn self, stated "no!" At the time, I had 'higher hopes' of a future for myself so, I thought. Little did I know, that I could be only so fortunate to have such a wonderful career in the nursing field. My Grammy's words always stuck in the back of my head while I discovered myself in my twenties. I dabbled in becoming a veterinarian, a doctor, and a physical therapist, but my true passion and love for a career came from the nursing field. I owe a lot of thanks to a lot people, but my Grammy's words always stuck with me through it all. She was the first person to believe in me and help guide me to success.

     Sometimes, I forget what it is like to walk in the shoes of the chronically ill, faced with death. I have my health that I take for granted at times. Everyday at work I put my nurse's uniform on and hope to make a difference in one's life. I give 110% day in and day out. There's nothing more rewarding than making that simple difference in someone's life. Let it be as simple as taking the time to walk a patient to the bathroom or as complex as performing compressions on a cardiac arrest patient that I preserve everyone's dignity. No matter the level of care, everyone is human and I thank my Grammy for teaching and guiding me.

     As I embark on a new journey as a nurse, I know my Grammy is looking down on me with pride. I leave one chapter completed and enter into another chapter of my life. I am filled with excitement, pride, and fear. I know that what I am about to embark on is a dream come true to me. May we all find a hero among ourselves everyday.