2013 Needs a Review?

Review Time?

I sat in front of my computer thinking, "what if I really recapped the year of 2013?" I always thought the number "13" was a lucky number; contrary to belief. If you asked me at the beginning of the year, I would throw my towel in and believe that my "lucky 13" was a fraud. 

I can think of several events and turning points in my path of life throughout two-thousand and thirteen, but I am not sure I want to relive the disgraceful moments. Yes, we all learn from our mistakes and grow from them. However; I did slide down a slippery slope while, I almost lost myself forever in the wrath of another. Everything was spiralling out of control and I had just about lost myself. 

I remember the day, it was a Sunday afternoon. I was "allowed" to visit an important person, my Dad! It had been a very long time overdue. Hesitantly, I met with my dad, knowing that a deep conversation was about to be had. We talked about happiness. It was then that I acknowledged, I made a huge mistake in the start of the year of 2013. I faced all my fears, grabbed all my courage, and listened to the same voice; the same little voice of  "Ariane" that had led me thru the revolving door in 2002. Courageously, I packed all my bags and left my turbulent life that I was living at the time.

I entered through a new revolving door for the first time. A door that gave me light and hope. I reconnected with friends and family as I travelled throughout 2013. I did a lot of self-discovery. I even discovered the true meaning of love with someone else that's so special to me. I am thankful more than ever for the year 2013! I knew it was always a lucky "13" to me!

Time to make change

even if things feel strange.

Rearrange your own map

and don't worry if things overlap.

Face all your fears

that your developed through the years.

Choose your own path

despite what could be the aftermath.

Fearing the unknown

can lead you to be alone.

So, face two-thousand fourteen

and make sure to wear your sunscreen.

Happy New Year to you all!!!

May 2014 bring love and joy!!!

-A.N.T.

Never Say Never

Insanity vs. HUMANITY

When the tough gets rough

you hafta say enough.

Pick up your pieces to the puzzle

and put your past in a muzzle.

Don't wait till it's too late

and life is lost in fate.

Don't lose your turn in the game of life

nor end it with the tip of the knife.

Stand-up! Fight thru the fright

take freedom with all your might.

Face your reflection in the mirror

and know things will be clearer.

If you lose yourself in the process

and start to suppress,

take your liberty and raise a fist

even if you need to get pissed.

So, when the path gets tough,

continue moving thru your stuff,

knowing there's an end to the insanity.

You are amongst all of humanity.

-A.N.T.

Happy Holidays to you all!

Yours Truly,

Ariane N. Theriault

Time stamped!!!

I rub my eyes of all its sleepies. I wake-up in a pool of sweat and look around the room. I wonder where I am and how I got here.

It's been so long since I have entertained the idea of blogging again. Time elapsed. Events unfolded. Mistakes were made and learned from along the way. My life was dark, lonely, and about to spiral out of control. My self-image was non-existent and foreign to me as I stared into the mirror. "Who was I?" "Who have I become?" "How did I lose myself and my self-respect?" "Where did I veer off the course of life?" Questions began to bombard my brain. I knew everything was not right and had to change.

Change is what needed to happen. Change is exactly what happened. I faced my greatest fear and ended things for once and for all. I was given the gift of life again, a second chance at living. I was shown the light and treated with love. I was listened too, heard, and respected for the first time ever. I realized what it means to be living life once and for all.

I stamp this time in my life as happy, lucky, and full of true love. The meaning of life has knocked on my door and I have answered. ED was not the intruder nor was the path of self-destruction. Thank you all for showing and guiding me towards the light in my life.

-A.N.T.

Caged...

Trapped in despair

with all my fears

not a place to call your own.

Lost amidst sea

just wanting to flee

not a place to call my own.

Stricten with tears

throughout all these years

not a place to call our own.

Panicked with fear

without being able to bare

not a place to call her own.

Angered by pain

struggling to be sane

not a place to call their own.

Saddened afloat sorrow

wanting it to be tomorrow

not a place to call your own.

-A.N.T.

You're not a number!!!

Today, I wanted to jump on the scale and see what I was today for a weight; a number (luckily I don't own one)!!! How many times a day do you obsess about your weight? Maybe it is never, but to someone who has a monkey on their back called E.D. (eating disorder) there seems to be no rest for the weary.

The refeeding process can be so overwhelming. You go from a size XX to a size XX in a couple of months. It is not about how healthy you have become, but the number that appears on that scale or a new pair of jeans you have to buy. The constant feeling of bloating and disgust. The feeling that everyone is staring at you in utter hatred. It all seems so overwhelming in the moment, but it is an illusion of the mind.

I have talked about "facing out" at the doctor's office before but I have not explained what it means. Well, it is when you go to your doctor's office and turn your back away from the scale instead of facing it and seeing "the number!" It's letting go of control for me. I may have to cut numbers out of my pants and shorts so, I don't dwell in the morning about my size and shape, but I know I am beautiful just the way I am.

Remember you too are not a number!!!

-A.N.T.

It's not your fault!!!

Waking up every day thinking it's your fault. The thought of, "I must of done something wrong to have provoked people." "What is wrong with me," droning in my head on repeat. A broken record spinning out of control echoing, "you are evil." The thoughts of shame, disgust, guilt, and horror trembling through my veins in a circular motion. The disbelieve in the truth; the hard facts of abuse.

Time and time again, my memory fails me. The events of my past are nothing but a blur, an empty space in time. To feel like a liar, an attention-getter is a lonely feeling. I was so quick to find solitude in anything such as exercising and my eating disorder at a young age. The feelings of being high were intense while engaging in unhealthy coping skills. I never had to think of my past, nor deal with all the pain. I was a perfectionist in all I did. Life was grand, so I thought. Life began to fall apart in my early twenties with ED (eating disorder). I was slowly killing myself with defeat. I was a brittle, frail, vulnerable child stuck in an adult body. My mind was going to incomprehensible extremes of dieting and exercising. I was wasting away rapidly.

I was in California at the time, when I became very sick. I remember stepping off the airplane when I landed in Boston, and seeing my parents face of terror while they looked at the skeleton of their daughter. I was waving to them like strangers, as if they never recognized me. It took me a few more agonizing months to finally seek help. Finally, six months in the hospital, six months at Laurel Hill Inn, and then an intensive out-patient program for months to follow, began my road to recovery. It was at the hospital that I first heard those daunting words, "It's not your fault," but I was to numbed out to even consider it. There had to be reasons that had to do with my character flaws. I felt trapped, alone inside.

Today, a dear friend gave me a book called, "The Courage to Heal: A guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. Hesitantly, I reached out my sweaty palms and grasped onto the book. I began to thumb through the pages, turning my attention to the chapter entitled: Understanding That  It Wasn't Your Fault. The headline shattered through my bones and rocked my chair. I was a deer in headlights. There is no way of explaining the sheer terror that one feels when their thought pattern is put to the test. My eyes were filling with tears of disbelief and disgust at the same time. My mind was trying to grasp the idea with hesitance. My instincts went into overdrive. I wanted to exercise, call myself fat, and belittle myself to nothing. I knew this was ED trying to control the situation. I took a deep breath, put the book down, and reflected on the hard facts, "It's not my fault!"

I started questioning everything. If it's not my fault, then who's is it? Why do people do bad things? What did I do wrong? Maybe I deserved all this suffering, but did I? No, no one does is the answer. Feeling trapped inside yourself is a lonely world. Knowing the hard facts can lead to a free soul. Today, WE SHALL NOT BLAME ourselves for our suffering. Hold your head high, and be proud of the person you are!!!

-A.N.T.

Obstacle Courses...

The cones are equally spaced apart, the gun fires, and off I go into the sunlight. My body pivoting between each cone with beads of sweat dripping down my face, as I run towards the finish line. It seems so far away at first. I keep moving at lightening speed (so I think) as I approach the end of another course in life.

Lately, life has been a little rocky with lack of direction. My world has turned upside down onto its side without a gun fired for warning that it has begun to become a muck.  Each cone on my course is representing a decision in life I must make. The unknown to my future at the fingertips of my sweaty palms as I turn around each cone.

In reflection, I realized that my life may seem chaotic presently. I am out of control in the sense that life decisions have emerged into my life's journey. Not for a second, can I say that E.D. has steered me on my course. I can proudly say that my actions and emotions are from within my own heart.

Thank you to all for the extra support and words of wisdom :)

-A.N.T.