Playing the Lottery!!!

     You walk into your nearest convenience store and you play your luck. Do you choose your own numbers or do you play a "quick pick?"  You test your luck and hope for the best; hoping for a future full of endless cash. But does endless cash end up buying endless happiness at the end of all the hype? Is there a price good enough to make you happy? I wonder. Ultimately, will the right numbers make you happy? Is it possible in the game of life!!!

     When I measure happiness, it comes in numbers for me but not in cash. It comes in the size of my self-worth and the number I see on the scale. Sometimes I like playing the numbers game with my weight, but I realize that no matter what number I pick, it's not ever good enough to me for a level of happiness. There's no "lucky" number where I feel 'ok' enough with my body. When I was as low as xxxxx, I was not low enough; I still felt "fat and disgust" towards myself. When I was xxxxx, I was too heavy and not good enough. So what is my lucky numbers then? If it was only a lottery game and I could pick my numbers and win, but it's not. It's really not all about a number to me when I dig deep down inside my soul or the payout at the end of a lottery game.

     I was at a recent therapy session. My voice was very loud with utter disgust and severe hatred towards my body. I was digging my heels into the ground, refusing to believe that there was something more going on in my mind other than my body's shape and size. I was throwing fists up, refusing to believe anything different. After about 40 minutes of expressing my disgust, I realized I was running on fumes (plus, I only had about 10 minutes left to my session). To make the most of my session, I took a deeper look at my current life. I realized I was doing too much again. I had not stopped to smell the roses and enjoy the simple things that are pleasurable in life. I was living in the past and future, denying my soul of the fruits of today. As soon as I realized the facts, I began to feel more at ease. My voice from E.D. (eating disorder) had begun to silence. I embraced myself for who I am now, accepting the reality that I deserve enjoyment despite all the "things" that need to get done. I realized that it's ok to enjoy life and do things that are pleasurable in my everyday life; it's a balance not a race to the finish.

     So, the next time you rush to the convenience store or jump on a scale, think to yourself, "will this be utter happiness for me?" In the moment, you bet your bottom dollar it will be! But perhaps in the long run, it's just another gamble with your own self-worth. Maybe we are all just happy right where we are at now in life. So, embrace yourself and ride the fruits of today to the next day. Afterall, you are worthy and beautiful just the way you are. Money or size do not measure your own self-worth.

- A. N. T. 

Surrender Your Soul.

     The air vent's humming echoes in my head as the cafe-filled voices shutter in the distance. The voices fade in the distance, and I'm left with my fingers typing on my keyboard. Suddenly, I drift away from the laptop screen and surround myself with the noisy atmosphere. I discreetly look around and find myself surrounded by fellow coffee-drinking patrons. I take notice of all the different faces and begin to wonder what people think as they sit in their seats.

     Unexpectedly, I surrender my soul to the inner voice in my head. I bleed out the distractions surrounding me. Over the muffled voices, I begin to hear a voice inside me. It's just me and my laptop now. It's a world of creativity and adventure ahead of me. I walk down memory lane, where demons and angels live inside my brain. I contemplate the journey I am about to embark on as I surrender my soul.

      I welcome you to embark on this journey with me too. Suddenly, you begin finding yourself trying to free yourself from the distractions surrounding you. You begin to feel pulled in the past, present, or future direction. Whatever the noise that surrounds you, begin to focus your energy on the current mind in your soul, surrendering it to your inner voice. Place your feet firmly on the ground beneath you while getting your body comfortable in a position that suits your needs. Whatever your position, may you enjoy the calmness that floats over your body.

     Remember, the mind is a beautiful thing. It can protect you. All the while hurting you at the same time. Everybody has a mind at the start of life. No one mind is alike in the universe. There may be similarities and like-minded beliefs, but we all have unique perspectives, experiences, and thoughts. One relative-natured element may be vibrant and bright to you, while it may symbolize darkness to another's mind. We are all unique and special to our own selves. Cherish your own soul before you cherish another's mind.

     As you deepen into surrendering your soul, listening to your inner voice, continue to non-judgmentally accept the fleeting thoughts. As you relax deeper in your position, you realize that you are the only one in the room. Your mind is an Adventureland, caught between reality and fantasy. Focus on the pendulum of thoughts and continue freeing the mind from all distractions. Remember, the thoughts you are having are only unique to you. No one else but you knows your internal thoughts. Now, you have begun to accept the thoughts as feathers in the wind. You take awareness to the thoughts as they disappear like a shooting star in the night.

     Now that you are in a state of mind of letting go of thoughts and freeing the mind, ultimately, you shall be able to accept that a thought is a thought. Awareness of your thoughts can help you embrace your reactions to situations, independent from others. May you allow yourself to move freely through the world of life.

- A. N. T.

The Mind of Madness

   

   
     You find yourself trapped inside a Rubik's Cube, trying to set yourself free from the maze. Each twist of the Rubik's Cube, leaves you more lost among the disorganized colors. If only you could just wrap your mind around the color schema, you may be able to free your mind from the madness. The more twists and turns you take, the further you are from the perfect matching squares of colors. The madness deepens, echoing through your mind. You're left feeling unsteady. You begin to ponder, when will all the darkness become full of brightness again? Instead, you find yourself trapped inside the mind of madness.

     The possible has become impossible. You're wishing that someone could hold onto you because you are unsteady. Even the voices speak to you when your eyes are shut. The madness is beyond return. You have lost sight of reality. With eyes shut, you pray for a better beginning and hope to wake-up from this nightmare. Suddenly, you hear a voice in the distance. You begin to wonder if it could be the devil coming to take your soul. You panic. You start to rapidly think about your options, hoping the voice can take you to the other side of madness. You're at the point that you want to bargain with the voice, even if it is the devil, to free yourself from it all. You feel like a victim in the night, where you dare not look back. It's all a mystery.

     Life as you know it, is about to end. You begin running. Heart-beating uncontrollably. Adrenaline gushing through your veins. You get deeper intertwined into the wrath of the Rubik's Cube. You know you don't wanna live for ever, but you know this is not how you wanted your life to end. The voice is getting louder and the thoughts are screaming in your head. Blood is seeping through your skin. The darkness has overtook your soul. The mind is full of delusional thinking and rationalizations. You are mentally exhausted and feel all alone.

     Eventually, you try to pry your eyes open to catch a glimmer of light; anything to grab hold of hope. Again, you attempt to turn the vibrant tiles of the Rubik's Cube. Frustratingly, you just cannot grasp a steady pattern among the disorganized colors. Suddenly, a flash of hope comes to you. Holding onto the fleeing thought, cautiously you begin to think clearer. You realize that in order to obtain an organized color schema to the Rubik's Cube, you must work out the twists and turns of the disorganized patterns of colors.  You begin to understand that bargaining with the devil will not end the madness; chaos will ensue. No matter where you turn, there lays the truth.

     As you realize the power of the mind and ponder the different possibilities, you realize there can only be one absolute. You begin to understand that it is how you look at things, not how they are in themselves. You are motivated to solve the unsolvable color patterns of the Rubik's Cube. Taking a different perspectives of a problem can lead to harmony and create a healthy mind of the soul. Instead of fleeing the possibility of failure, embrace the idea of change. The darkness shall not last forever; after every sunset there is a sunrise.

- A. N. T. 

“What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: Our life is the creation of our mind.”  ~Buddha