I often ask myself how 'normal' people cope in the world. I even get angry at times! "No way do people go through life without some kind of coping mechanism. A crutch!!!" Seriously world??? Don't bullshit me! But I think I have it all wrong! I always had some kinda 'fix' to help me cope. Anorexia. Alcohol. Pills. They all left me feeling comfortably numb in life. I was untouchable and able to handle anything thrown my way. I was coasting through life as if I had won something. I figured out the way to survive. I had found the secret to life. It was a deadly cycle.
Actually, it's not about coping at all! Or find some mechanism to help you overcome the struggle of dealing with the past, present, or future. It's about facing the fiery flames of fire and feeling the heat. It's about feeling the truth. It's about fighting through the numbness and dissecting the pieces of the puzzle of emotions. It's about facing the REAL problems beneath the deceit of anorexia, alcohol, and pills. I would instead feel uncomfortably numb from the feelings of feeling than comfortably numb with deception. So, how does one feel or sit with every emotion or feeling? It's not easy 'those people' say to me. "It takes practice."
For me, the two emotionally charged feelings I avoid mostly are sadness and anger. It's totally two different extremes on the spectrum. It just feels too unbearable and scary to face. I feel like I will fall apart mentally or spiral out of control, leading me to turn to my 'fixes.' Or even worse, dead in a ditch from overwhelming, uncomfortable feelings. REALITY CHECK, Ariane! There's no obituary out there that reads, "Death By Feeling." Living in fear of falling apart is not living. Avoiding what may be lurking around the corner keeps you out of touch with reality. There is no dark hole of no return! Maybe it is not about feeling out of control but just feeling. The only one that can be truthful to you is you and your own mind. The words you feed your soul are run by the voices in your head. It's what you believe. It's your feelings.
I am mad. I am crying. And I am ok. The laughter in my voice and the smile on my face are filled with happiness that keeps me believing in myself. Feeling feelings is not that unbearable after all. I have not fallen apart or died. The numbness that I feel now is the high from living life. It's the best high I ever felt. It may be a roller coaster ride, but there's nothing like having an adventure in life. Nothing beats being present and feeling the sun's warmth on a crisp autumn day. I embrace the gift of life.
A.N.T.
