Taking a Leap of Hope

It was a scary day for me but I knew something had to change in my life. A revolving door swung me through the beginning of a journey; living life. My journey with life with an Eating Disorder (E.D.) was about to become non-existent at Walden Hospital in Waltham, MA. It was the year of 2002 when I fearfully entered through that revolving door. Thirteen years later, I still struggle with recovery but am living life free from E.D. every day more and more.

     I was at my breaking point at the age of twenty-two. I was exhausted. I was petrified of change and of the unknown. My friends and family were expressing their concerns and even willing to have me committed. “I was fine,” I often tried to explain to everyone. It took all my strength to counteract all the demons in my head and seek help from professionals. My journey that day was one of the scariest moments in my life but most relieving at the same time.

     In Walden Hospital, I trusted no one and was in extreme denial of my Eating Disorder. I felt all I needed to do was learn how to eat. “I don’t have an Eating Disorder,” I would often argue with everyone. I was angry, untrusting, and ambivalent to accepting the help I sought. As the refeeding progress slowly started, I was becoming more coherent in my decision making. I was able to start to understand that I was struggling with an Eating Disorder. I began to let go of E.D.; the control it had over me. My days in the hospital were very tough and not easy, but I knew life was better than life with E.D., I had a glimmer of hope.

     My days in Walden Hospital was a struggle at times but all the patients, professionals, family, and friends provided me with hope. I started to not feel alone as I began to take part in my own recovery. The more I began to be part of my own treatment and life, the stronger I became. Don’t get me wrong, at the beginning I was angry at everyone and denied myself treatment. I was beyond ambivalent. I was scared, but it was the little voice inside me that walked through that revolving door that kept me alive.
          Over ten years later, I still am in recovery from E.D., but I know that one day I will be recovered, free from E.D. I now believe freedom from E.D. is possible. I may not be fully recovered but I do consider myself much happier and healthier. Currently, I am living my life to its fullest with bumps along my road to recovery. May we all know we are not alone in our struggles on the road of life? I write this blog entry with hope that it will instill hope in you and touch your soul. May we all find our true selves!

-A.N.T.

How to be a Hero/Heroine with an Eating Disorder.

     I reflect on my past, asking myself what I missed out on in life with an eating disorder (E.D.). This is what I reflected on. I missed out on reality. Life with love. I pushed people away and was comfortably numbed out; high on life. An eating disorder pushed me through life of restriction and over exercising. I lived in fear of the unknown. Every day was centered on the number on the scale and how many miles I ran that day. Every ounce of nourishment was counted in calories and dictated my own self-worth. Ultimately, I felt I was untouchable to everyone that came into my life. I was impulsively, uncontrollable at the time. I was driven by perfection and in a constant state of a delusional reality; trying to run from my past and jump into my future. I was a walking zombie, screaming for help on the inside. Finally, my breaking point had come knocking on my door.

     My breaking point was knowing that life was not meant to be lived like this. I was lying to people and myself. I was running away from reality. I was exhausted. My body was frail and dying. I did not know exactly what at the time, but something had to change before it was too late. It was the support of other's voices of reason and the total exhaustion into near death that led me to seek help. I had reached a breaking point and I knew I did not want to live like this anymore. I needed help.

    Once, I accepted the fact I was in recovery from an eating disorder and needed help, I began to live life. I still struggle to this day. The unhealthy behaviors may be non-existent for the most part, but the negative thought process still lingers on. I struggle with the thoughts of accepting myself in my own skin and clothes. When E.D. is talking loud in my head, I feel insecure and lost amongst myself. I try my best now to ask myself "what's really happening in my life?" Often I tell myself that these thoughts are not real and they will pass too. Then I focus on reality and struggles of everyday life instead of E.D. Certainly, it is not easy but I know that I want to live a life fully recovered; free from E.D. That fact alone keeps me focused on recovery.

     The more and more I focus on recovery, the more I live my life as the real me. My thoughts are clearer. My concentration levels are higher, I'm not in a constant state of deprivation and numbness to reality. I feel every emotion and embrace them all. My self-worth, confidence, and thought processes are not tainted by E.D. I have learned to live life without E.D. as I got older. I have developed self-respect and a sense of self-worth. Communication and assertiveness became a cornerstone to my recovery. Learning the difference between the two and the end results of each one are very important, I learned along the way, with much trial and error, that I am 'perfect' just the way I am. May we all be heroes/heroines in our own eyes!