It became my drug, running. The surge of adrenaline I felt, the utter numbness through life morphed my teenage life. Nothing can explain the feeling of control I felt when I ran. The emotions in life that I encountered, the faster I ran. I adapted to expressing my emotions through the ability to run. I felt untouchable. The fastest rocket through the streets of my youth. The utter high I felt when I raced through the streets and around the track was seductively deadly. I had felt like I was in control of my life. Running became my inner journal, as my mind whirled with thoughts as I ran.
I can remember in the darker days of running that it became my drug. Every waking hour was spent wondering when I could get my next fix, run that is. I became self-consumed with being faster and better. I was at the peak of my running and wanted to go to college to run. My educational dreams fell at the waste side as I sought out the ability to continue to run in college. I was slowly killing myself to my dismay. A "healthy" outlet for me developed into a dangerous, deadly web of deceit.
Food and running became an unhealthy relationship. The less I ate, the faster I thought I could run. Food was fat not fuel to me. The sheer terror of eating became stronger and stronger. I did not allow myself nourishment. In order to justify eating, I had to make sure and run that day. It became a deadly cycle to my mind, body, and soul. I was an exception to all the rules. I felt I did not deserve food, nor could justify eating without some sort of reward, such as running. I felt even in more control when I was barely eating and running. I was "high on life" during the beginning years of my seductive cycle. I felt more in control than ever, despite the reality that I was slowly killing myself. All I wanted to do was run and feel free. The false sense of control I felt, was in reality, out of control.
The cycle continued into my twenties. I was "fooling" everyone, so I thought. I felt untouchable. All I thought about was running and "how fat I was." I did not let anything bother me. I was numbed out to reality. I was running from my past, zooming though my present, and seductively destroying my future life. In the beginning, I felt on top of the world. As I continued living this seductive cycle, I became more brittle and fragile, the opposite effect I was trying to achieve. I was addicted to running and restricting food. I became more and more tired. I was weak. The opposite effect I was trying to achieve in life.
My downward spiral was out of control, but I was hooked. When I entered that revolving door in 2002 with my struggle with an eating disorder, I never thought that running would play a role with my eating disorder. What I thought was a "healthy outlet" was actually a deadly drug in my life. Despite all the professionals' advice, it took several self-realizations to hang-up my running shoes, but I finally did.
Now, I realize that running was like a drug to me. I can't just dabble in running just a little bit. I find that a leisure jog, turns into a seductive cycle within my innerself. I realize that I don't need to run to justify eating. I find other pleasures that are healthy to help me cope in life. I enjoy the simple pleasures in life more than ever. I cherish, respect, and nourish my body. It's that same drive that I used for running, I apply to my everyday life.
"Every day I tell myself that I am worthy of food to fuel and nourish my body."
A.N.T.
