Suicide Prevention

     I remember it like it was only yesterday. I hit my alarm on my night stand. I prepare for a new day but the dark cloud lurks over me. I'm in a state of shock where my limbs seem to not want to move. The pit in my stomach has developed into a deep despair. My mind has spun out of control and now I am numbed out to reality. I feel like a helpless fly stuck in a spider's web. I am struggling to survive. I just want it all to end. I want the pain and suffering to go away. I want to wake up tomorrow, and feel like I was given the choice to live my present day life not my past. I search for the light, I reach for the phone but the strength to dial for help slips my fingers. I am left with a choice; a choice to live or to die?

     I have struggled endless times with not just an eating disorder but also depression. It feels like a deep despair lurking in my inner soul. In recent news, the media has covered the success of a recent actor, Robin Williams. To my dismay, we lost a great person to mental illness. I want to celebrate his life, but I feel the urge to do differently. I want to bring awareness to the severity, the pain, the ultimate loss of life among others and oneself to any form of mental illness, especially depression.

     Suicide holds a certain stigma and several different reactions arise among society. Sometimes it's anger we feel. Sometimes it's the thought of utter selfishness that lingers over our head. Either way, the fact of the matter is suicide and depression are real, serious issues. On one side, I want to mourn a death of a great person that gave the world such joy and humor. On the other side, I also want to bring awareness to mental illness. You or someone you may know, may struggle with great despair and a sense of hopelessness. I can only offer how and what worked for me in times of hopelessness.

     An important piece of depression, is sometimes there are blatant signs that one is struggling in life. However, more times than none, suicide can be a silent killer within oneself. I am the type that is the silent killer; the clown with the tears falling down one's cheeks. Silently, I struggled with deep despair and a sense of loss of hope throughout life. However, I learned how to seek help when I was in my darkest of dark days. I often found helpfulness in a consistent medication regimen, having a treatment team, and knowing where to turn for help. I knew my local hospital had a "safe zone" to go too where I could sit and just be. I wouldn't have to answer any questions. I had a list of five numbers of people that served as my emergency contacts... friends, family, therapist, etc. I knew local anonymous hotlines to call when I was struggling. I found that I was not alone and had to trust those dear to me.

     Don't get me wrong, it took courage and hope to get help. In the darkest of moments you can feel so alone when you truly are not alone. Once, I started to be true to my struggles, I realized I was not alone. Yes, it took plenty of admissions into hospitals. I often felt like it was all a never-ending "revolving door" at times. I often asked myself when would it all end, the struggle. Yes. It took several ups and down and lots of treatment, but I just always remembered that I would not lose HOPE in myself.

Whether you are a public figure or a private person, we all can bring awareness to the struggle.

If you or a loved one needs an anonymous hotline, Please Call:

National Suicide Prevention Hotline:
1-800-273-8255

-A.N.T.