I sit in my room today and I ponder on life. I look back into the past and into the future. I forget about the present day life. I have to stop myself and think how I got to where I am at in life now. Do I go down the lane of self-sacrifice or self-hopefulness? I don't know. I am at a stand still. I feel the past creeping in on me more and more everyday as I reach for the future. I get trampled down by the past choices I've made and actions that occurred. It's like quicksand to me at times. The struggle to get to the top of the pit; too only get deeper into the depths of the sand.
I start to remain calm. I take a deep breath, and grasp onto the helping hands to pull me out of the quicksand. I rely on myself a lot and expect a lot from myself, but I am realizing that the hand of hope and help of others can be less self-sacrificing.
Some days are darker than others for me lately. Despite the hands of hope and help that fill my everyday life, it's like a sad pity party at times (this is when I begin to chuckle about life). "Pity parties" are the best? They are an evil vortex that can spin uncontrollably out of control throughout the thralls of life. They lead you to more sadness and the denial of everyday life. You are left feeling more helpless and incapacitated than you hoped for after the "pity-party." But how do you spin out of it all? Do you give in to self-sacrifice or trudge on to self-hopefulness?
I have a lot of anger from the past but I refuse to remain stuck in the quicksand of life. I could elaborate more on my anger, but that truly would get me nowhere except right where I started in the first place. So, I digress with all the gratitude I have now from surviving the pit of quicksand.
I owe you all thanks.
I can't help to think
that you are all in my heart
as I travel throughout life.
-A.N.T.
