The Mind's Tricks

The mind often plays intricate tricks on me, weaving a tangled web of racing thoughts and persistent worries. I find myself struggling to untangle the threads that separate anxiety from reality. My thoughts swirl and twist like a tempest, spiraling down into a deep, dark well of uncertainty. What thoughts linger in your mind, spinning endlessly like a hamster tirelessly running on its wheel?

I often lose myself in reflections on the past and anticipations of the future, neglecting the beautiful, fleeting moments of the present. Do you ever feel a sense of boredom creeping in? At times, the essence of human existence feels meaningless and futile. How do we find our way through the labyrinthine journey of life? Is it a quest of existential significance? Do you find yourself caught in a sea of questions, grappling with answers that seem forever out of reach? I tune into the voices around me, hoping to catch a glimpse of clarity amidst the chaos.

The future looms uncertain over our politics and personal safety, casting a shadow of apprehension. Are we merely puppets, dragged along by social media's relentless tide, often depicting a tumultuous reality?

Consider the cat: a creature of simple pleasures, effortlessly embracing love, food, and play. Do they possess any awareness of the complicated world we inhabit, or are they blissfully ignorant? What ignites your passion? Do you perceive the world as a shattered mosaic, or do you see it as a silent landscape awaiting its inevitable collapse? Perhaps you hold the belief that the future will unfold in a way that brings hope. What profound emotions stir within you?

Pause for a moment to reflect on your current mood. What feelings resonate deep within your soul? Picture yourself creating a vivid painting of your emotions. Do you choose to depict yourself as you aspire to be, or as you wish to be in your dreams? What would that image capture? It may very well be that the artwork you create encapsulates exactly what you need at this moment.

Take life at face value. Burdens can trap you in the misery of your own existence. Be passionate on a personal level and recognize what you can change. You have a choice: you can either watch your life pass by, filled with despair and a lack of hope, or you can pursue what you believe is right for you.

Allow others to be themselves while you focus on your own life’s journey. Sometimes, life may feel tough, but remember that it’s not all that bad, as it is ultimately what you make of it. You create your own meaning of life.

So when your mind plays tricks on you, embrace your existence and enjoy the bliss of life. Take those moments, whether good or bad, and carry on. Ultimately, your perseverance will pave the way for you in the universe.

Yours Truly,

A.N.T.

The Purpose of Mistakes.

What does having a purpose mean to you? 

 

Take a moment to reflect on your past year as I type this for you to consider. 

 

Time has flown by, and I find myself at this point in my life despite the voices in my head, the devil lurking on my shoulder, and the weight of my past. I've learned valuable lessons from my mistakes and refuse to be trapped in a never-ending cycle. I continue to move forward with confidence and purpose. 

 

If you are still reading, it's important to clarify that this differs from your typical year-in-review blog. Instead, it's about what you make of it.

I walk along the hidden shadows of the alleyway, wondering how I ended up here. I lost everything. I spent every last dollar from my bank accounts and was evicted from the sanctuary I once called home. Was it my fault? Who knows. But I realize that what I learned from those mistakes—and the unspoken truth—is that if none of this had happened, I wouldn't be exactly where I am now. The saying "everything happens for a reason" feels misleading. Okay, maybe not entirely.

What is having a purpose? Have you found your purpose amidst your life tribulations? In case you were wondering, I have yet to discover mine entirely. The future, present, and past pull me in all directions. The shadows I walk in fill my mind with empty thoughts and inhibit my full potential. But that is precisely what I am unsure of: life's purpose. Is there truly a purpose? 

As the New Year approaches, I want to share my accomplishments and mistakes or focus on exploring my thoughts. I don't know. So, let me reflect on my year. I started the year with three surgeries, and I switched from Ozempic to Wegovy due to insurance coverage issues. I spent the year procrastinating on taking my board exam to become certified as a nurse practitioner, but I'm happy to say I passed the test this November. My love for my wife grew daily, and when the stress became too intense, we adopted a new puppy.

But who wants to hear only the good? I still struggle with my eating disorder and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I worry too much about everything, and my anxiety is constantly high. I stopped a medication on my own, which I do not recommend, and I realized that it's something I really need. That realization is frustrating in its own way. I've also noticed that when there's chaos around me, I tend to thrive on it even more; hence, the new puppy, Beans.

That's it in a nutshell. However, I still wonder what my purpose in life is, and I may never know. As I embark on a new journey next year, I hope for a future filled with love, joy, and happiness. Realistically, I will also learn from the mistakes that come with failure, but how else can I grow and face life? I understand that things can sometimes get overwhelming, but life is definitely too short, a lesson I've learned as I've grown older. I figure, what the heck—what do I have to lose? I am taking leaps and bounds forward.

The purpose in life is just as you are.

- A. N. T.

The Struggle Can Be Balanced

Sometimes, I hear thunder in the distant past.

I am all too familiar; it won't last.

I'm sick of being thrown into my past.

I'm stuck in quicksand, fighting so much.

I keep trudging it all up, hoping to survive.

Then I realize that the present is my crutch.

I just know that I need to take that leap.

My past was not cheap.

I won't become the black sheep.

As I practice trusting myself,

I no longer seek the reassurance

and trust that my life will last.

Every day is a gift.

And it should not be lived half-assed;

Because it does not last.

Today, I am stronger than yesterday.

I believe in my true being.

May we all prevail in living freely.

Spilling the Tea on Mental Health

 

There lay unspoken grief in my smile. The voices in my head made friends with the monsters under my bed while the pain surrounding my space wreaked havoc on my inner peace. I found myself searching for all the wrong answers to my unhealthy behaviors. I was falling. 

The very backbone that held me up was snapping in half. I turned within myself, listened to this familiar path I was embarking on from the past, and sought out more help at a mental health partial hospitalization program. At the time, I hoped I had 'fixed' myself and returned to reality all too quickly. 

I couldn't function in the reality of crippling PTSD that I had returned to all too quickly. Knowing where to turn when the chamber is half-cocked, I re-entered the broken mental health system again, the emergency room at a hospital. Still lurking in the darkness, the monsters under my bed became my friends inward and outwardly. 

I was frightened and hopeless. I sat on the gurney in my stringless green jumpsuit, feeling like an animal rattling in a cage. The entire emergency room hallways were filled with other people of the like. We were ignored, treated like savages, and as if we were the "problem." We were all pleading for the mental health system to save us.

As I struggled, I utilized my last breath of inner strength of advocacy and expertise in healthcare in my favor to help me get to where I needed. I stayed for way too long in an emergency room for over 48 hours, but little did I know the average stay was over two weeks before being transferred to an in-patient psychiatric hospital. How could that be the case? Again, "the system" was failing not only those seeking help but everyone struggling to seek help, not knowing where to turn, and having limited access to care. Words cannot explain the unjust justice that was surrounding me. 

Just when you think you get a glimmer of hope of finding access to care, you wait for the agonizing health insurance coverage approval for a treatment program or in-patient hospitalization. Although laws were passed to decrease the disparities among mental health insurance companies, it remains a lengthy, arduous process. Mental health insurance companies monopolize the length of stay and where you can seek treatment. Unfortunately, they dictate and play a significant role in your future mental health stability and recovery. I have often seen the system fail those with health insurance and those with limited or lack health insurance. 

As you struggle to keep your head afloat and work on your mental health, there's an influx of overwhelmingly high hospital-specific and physician-specific service fees. Also, health insurance companies fail to update you that the services will likely be only partially paid because of low reimbursement rates and plan deductibles by health insurance. It is genuinely an outrageous system that is shattered. 

The shattering in the system continues with an overdemand and lack of professional help. The overstressed system lacks a proper amount of providers and staffing in mental health. So what is the most significant overall problem? Who is responsible? Unfortunately, it is a system as a whole. Awareness of the systemic crisis and bringing mental health to the forefront versus a shameful entity will help break down barriers and disparities in the system. If you or a loved one are struggling, do not give up hope. The system can help; it is a battle to keep advocating and fighting for life sometimes, but life is worth it. 

- A.N.T.

"You don't have to be an Olympian to create change for yourself and others. Each of us can bet on ourselves." 

- Allyson Felix.

Saying "NO"

You are walking in the darkness, searching for a reflection in a storm of doubt. Nowhere to turn in the conformed world that is spewing granules of time inside an hourglass. There is an invisible force that pulls you into a maze of misdirection, the inability to say "NO." Standing, pondering, and stuck at a fork in the road in the labyrinth of life, you look down the two paths. There is the beaten path filled with guilt and shame, seemingly impossible to crawl down. Alternatively, the other seemingly effortless path carries the weight of the world on your shoulders of despair. 

 
As you stare down the two paths, your continuous overexertion of straying down the path of deceit leads you into hopeless possibilities. That is where your reflection of doubt continues to hide behind the shadows of darkness. However, when you willingly crawl down the road less traveled, you challenge the demons that lurk inside your conscience. The fear seeps out of your veins as you sheepishly search for reassurance. The conflict that threatens your judgment arises from disappointment and rejection from others. Nevertheless, the immediate discomfort rattles the core as it soon disappears; you assert your boundaries away from depression and despair. 

 

Turning your inner soul into a seed of growth, you find your reflection of strength in the sunlight of hope. Your confidence surges past the disappointment and rejection into the pathway of self-discovery. As you unravel the strings of lies, you warp and weft into the woven direction of happiness. Grasping onto the courage to let go of something familiar, you embark on the journey of saying "NO" by maintaining your sense of self-worth. 

.........SADDLE UP.........

You may be angry. You may be sad. But underneath it all, there lies fear. Take one person's sense of control, and everything becomes out of control. This is not for the faint of heart or those who want to blame and even point fingers. The actual problem is COVID-19. For that, I'd rather be judged for being honest than be loved for being fake. So, saddle up and listen to my words as a professional and human being. 

I have been wearing a mask since February 2020, when word of the virus started attacking the world and everyone's views. A deadly, life-changing pandemic disrupted all walks of life and still affects so many people. Despite your ethnicity, gender identity, race, skin color, age, or anything else you identify yourself with, COVID-19 is the problem. 

I remember showing up to work with my mask on when things were still under control and were all just a hoax (I got to love the media). I was told by a physician that I was not able to wear my mask and eye shield in the hospital because it instilled fear and made patients feel uneasy. Is it my choice to wear it or not? Plus, I was very up-to-date with hospital policy. I continued to wear my mask, as I still do to this very day. Sometimes, I see that same doctor in the hallway and wonder if he thinks back on our interaction before it all started. It does not matter to me, but I still wish it was all under control and just a hoax. 

Then came my updated emergency death wishes or my will; may you have it. As people around me were dying in the hospital from complications associated with COVID-19, I decided I better change 'things' during this time. I am categorized as high-risk or likely to get severely ill if I contract the virus. My ticket into an ICU was to have hypertension, obesity, complex sleep apnea, and smoking cigarettes. After a long, devastating, physically and emotionally exhausting shift, I sat at my desk and typed up when to "pull my plug." I gave a copy to my partner and my parents. I wept as I read the paper to my family, knowing there was a strong possibility that I might not come out on the other side. However, the best part during this devastating time was learning how proud I am to be fighting this virus on the frontlines. Not even once did I say, I wish I could stay home. I signed up for this and rose to the occasion with all the other superheroes. Don't get me wrong, it hit me hard at first for a split moment. 

I heard the alarms going off. I quickly donned up the limited supply of personal protective equipment (PPE) and rushed into the patient's room. Their oxygen levels were dropping, I pressed the call light, but no one was around. I open the patient's door and yell out for a non-rebreather down the hall. Someone pages the doctor, and I close the door and hurriedly place the nonrebreather on the patient. At that moment, I realized it was just the patient and me. Rewind moments before, the doctor was reaching out to the family. They call back, and the family speaks to me. My heart sank, and I felt helpless. I knew the truth that their loved one would not survive COVID-19. I returned to the patient's room, reassuring them their family loved them as I gently held their hand. I did my best to keep that patient comfortable and alive for 30 minutes more so their son could come and say goodbye. All while, I hope my three other patients will remain stable till then. 

I knew at that very moment that this was real. The family came. I gowned him up (in the beginning, you could say goodbye). He was one " lucky " to say goodbye to their loved ones. I left the patient's room, and it hit me; that moment I spoke of earlier when I broke down. I gasped from hyperventilation as I Sobbed my eyes out in the bathroom. I wiped away my tears, splashed water on my face, and shook off my grief. Until today, words can never describe the heartache that is stuffed deep inside my soul. I still never regret being a nurse or being that last face for those that felt alone and scared.

The second wave came, and the hallways in the hospital were silently filled with despair. My shoulders were heavy, and we all walked slower. There was no time to breathe. We barely caught a breath or had a moment to hug our loved ones; we feared the worse as we went to work every day. People were cooped up, isolated, and desired human connections. So, I thought long and hard and decided to stay home with my loved ones during the holidays. There were so many opinions surrounding the holidays and human interactions. People were angry as the numbers began to rise at the hospital again. Our PPE was still depleted and our psyche partially deranged, so we had to pull through it again. I did not think I could do it all over again. My second cry occurred at work. In the bitch box or confession box, a.k.a med room, I cried in fear of the future. I hugged my coworker, squeezed them tightly, and wiped away my tears (they were the only other person besides my partner I hugged throughout the pandemic). I survived as others struggled to retake their last breath. I immersed myself in articles regarding the human need for connections. Instead of stomping my feet and pointing blame, I strived to understand the second surge of COVID-19. Again, it is COVID-19 that took the lives of so many. I did not blame myself. I continued to be that nurse that understood and cared. 

The present-day still lingers with so much unknown in the face of COVID-19. Currently, the Centers for Disease Control released recommendations for Massachusetts, including fully vaccinated people, to wear face masks in public and indoor settings under certain conditions. You may be angry. You may be sad or just plain old fed-up. But underneath it all, there lies fear. Take one person's sense of control, and everything becomes out of control.

Now, do not go thinking I am some Mother Teresa or on some high horse. God knows I am far from that! I was balancing graduate school and the stress of a pandemic, all while balancing my health needs. It was never easy, but I never gave up. It was never easy for everyone. I knew that we were all part of this tragedy together despite it all. Everyone has a story. This is my story.

Nightlights are the best!!!

The clock has struck midnight. There is no sound to be heard except the palpitating, racing heartbeat pounding through my chest. I begin to stir and look widely around into the darkness. I see a figure. I hear a footstep. Am I awake, or am I asleep? My mind does not know the difference between reality and vivid nightmares. I take a breath. I nod back off into the darkness. The footsteps reappear and begin to suffocate my soul. I wake up gasping for breaths, and the darkness lurks in the distance. I am still not sure where I am. I roll over to a stranger; I ask myself how and who is next to me? I take another breath. I begin to cry out in fear, yet my voice does not make a sound. I arise from my sleep, so I think.

I reach for my flashlight and aim it into the darkness that lures. The figure disappeared. The heart begins to pound from adrenaline. I sheepishly walk throughout the house, checking the locks and checking the windows for securing. The cats start to stir, and I hear their meows fading in the distance. Suddenly, I remember I am here. I am safe. I gingerly walk back into the bedroom and find a body, the body of my fiancee. I rest assured that I am safe. I head back into bed. Count backward from one hundred and fall back into another deep dark nightmare. 

- A. N. T.